jacob2010
Member
Hi... I guess I should start my journal... however... i'm going to start out my journal with something off topic... So.. has anyone or does anyone believe in soulmates.. I do and also believe in Twin Flames... My story actually starts with this individual person but I'm struggling... I had a friend/friend with benefit for 5 years now and because of my addiction or shallow ways, I judged this beautiful person as something foul because they didn't have the delicate abs like them P-stars... Anyways this person was in love with me for 3 years before I discovered my "IN LOVE" for this individual... He was one of the sweetest people I met.. He would give me flowers and was so sweet to me. But I never looked deep enough and only saw looks and superficial appearance. I would tell him that we couldn't be together cause we wouldn't work out, however, we would work perfectly. HA. Anywho... we did everything together. Eat, sleep in the same bed, and cuddled, and did "STUFF." I did look at the small details that I see now.. Anywho... About a year ago he began to realize that he wanted something more and not be used anymore... however, his personality changed.. he switched when I began to tell him I wanted him and wanted to start a relationship now... He said no and wanted to move on, however, my best friend lived with still for another 7 months after and he would bring guys over when I asked him to let me heal... Then I freaked out and went to my aunt's house in another state to clear my mind and try to move on but I couldn't. I know what true love is now and he keeps coming back...Anyways he keep bringing guys over and would do "STUFF" with them while I was in the house and sometimes in our bed. Now, I was no better but I never brought someone over and didn't sleep around like he did... It really hurt me to the point where I had a meltdown and left to another country. Well.. when I left... he freaked out and tried to commit suicide... it really broke my heart that I couldn't be there for him... Cause we've been through everything together.. I let him move in with my dad and I because he was living in his car, homeless, for quite some time. He helped me face my OCD and would even help me while I went through the mood swings facing this disease and I'm actually able to control it a little better now without medicine. =) Well after I came back from my aunt's he moved out and went somewhere else.. And we didn't talk for 2 to 3 months... it hurt me and I tried to get over this individual but it wouldn't work.. As if I was already drawn to other people, as if the universe made me see things that most people don't see.. HARD TO EXPLAIN... (btw one can think it's my OCD but it's not, trust me.) Anywho.. he's came back into my life again and we hung out three times now.. N feelings have stayed but are getting stronger again where I have been able to still have feelings but be able to be independent and learn to strive and love myself (well, let's be honest most of myself haha I still have some insecurities) well.... yesterday.. I kinda texted and talked to much of how I am feeling... and how I thought he was feeling love towards me again.. All he replied was sorry and he likes hanging out with me.... Btw these the last two times we hung out (out of three) we had done "STUFF." Now let me explain how I feel about this individual... I guess, he might be talking to other people but when I think of this person all I picture is those long drives listening to Jay and Silent BoB podcasts... Going to his parents house and playing board games that I would normal find nerdy but surprising I found out it was fun. We would play D and D together... We would watch independent films and foreign films.. we did everything together.. I didn't have to try to be attractive cause I just was to him and he loved me for three years, unconditionally... Anywho.. I try to move on but for some reason i'll get a text or an e-mail from his parents or him coming over... it's like I can't get away... but he says "he doesn't want me.." One would say he is using me but I know him and he's a really sweet person.. I just know he isn't this sleezy guy he turned into.. He did turn into this masked person and went from being lovely to a sleezy guy.. Dating and DOing "STUFF" with a lot of guys but when we hung out after that 3 months.. he told me it's not the same watching movies with them or just talking too them like talking to me but yet "he still doesn't want to be with me." I mean, he never said that but "sorry.. I do like hanging out with you." made me think he doesn't feel anything for me... But we were friends for 5 years... N I miss him... I think of the times we watched lightening and just layed there.. but I also remember the times where I would put him down to something I thought wasn't socially acceptable... I was brainwashed by society and what gay men are supposed to act like... but now it's the opposite... I'm different and weird where he is molding to society.. I think of trying to stop talking to him even thought it is not what I want... and talking to other guys and being on "GRINDR... stereotypical site" repulses me... it's like two magnets trying to force each other to stick... It just feels wrong.. I just don't know if I have the patience to wait... But my heart and soul is telling me that he's the only one for me and that others will just be molding and forceful. I might be happy but it won't be true. FRIENDSHIP is love.. and people should be with their best friends.. yeah we fought and clawed but we fit like two puzzle pieces.. He's super intelligent and calm, down to earth, rational, and intervert. I'm energetic, extravert, irrational, emotional, and optimistic but a worry wart. idk.. I can't explain how we just knew how to calm each other... We just knew... But now.. since I feel in my heart he feels for me... I question If I am delusional and irrational.. maybe I've created this fantasy that might never happen... These thoughts is what we did have and what we did go through.. but maybe he won't be the same person even though in my heart I feel this is for him.. I've let him go and be free without strings or attachments... but this birdy keeps coming back... I feel it would be easier if he just stayed away but it wouldn't be what I want... But now I feel like I am forcing myself to try and date... It feels wrong and gross and weird... it's just not the same.. I try but it's just not the same... It is things that they say are mean and brainwashed by society and their ideals... Get married or have more than one partner... what happen to just being best friends.. farting with each other.. watching movies with each other.... going to a boring place to eat... I felt safe and home.. Idk.. he can be free... again.. I don't want to hold him here and I don't want him if it isn't pure and true.... I don't know if I should force my way out there again... it's been 7 months... but finding that home was nice... I gotta to accept that I won't have what I want... n this person won't love me ever again... I just am happy and sad that the memories I did have were nice... ME?? LIKING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS HA!! ME?? TO LIKE ITALIAN MOVIES!! HA! MAYBE I ONLY LIKED THEM CAUSE HE DID! HA.. who knows... I miss them...and how I miss our dogs together... In between us.. haha... we raised three dogs... It's like a divorce hahahahaha!! ANYWHo.. idk if this is appropriate or not...I probably have to accept that this person won't ever truly love me again.. At least he did for 3 years.... That's nice... =)I've accepted him not wanting more than just this once.. haha I accept and then he comes back... Anyway.. he has his own journey and his own life to live.. I hope this person he ends up with will appreciate his nerdyness haha... and never puts him down for his weight!!! I can't keep going back though, it hurts too much.. even though what truly hurts me is my expectations and my selfness of wanting him to myself... I'm so happy I became a total different person.. well some what.. haha I'm still high strung, still super animated, still nice, still crazy but im no longer superficial and no longer judge and no longer create boundaries. Anywho.. it's okay if this get deleted.. it's kinda something I was writing to vent but also just to do it for myself.. Kinda like what I do on facebook.. I WRITE IT ALL then post it and then delete what I want and what I crave and what my selfish needs are.... but it's mostly just for me to release that energy but not let others see.. He's very stubborn and so so so so so smart.. but I helped him be more feely and emotional where he helped me with knowledge... UGH STOP RANTING JACOB!!!!!! HONESTLY THIS IS HOW MUCH I TALK!! HAHA but I deserve to be accepted for me.. unconditionally.. I deserve someone that will be there through thick and thin. DO NOT EVER DIVORCE OR BREAK UP! THE HONEYMOON STAGE IS NOT TRUE IT'S ILLUSION AND COMMERCIALING AND EASY!! STAYING LOYAL IS TRUE LOVE!! (NOW DON'T STAY IF THEY ABUSIVE!!)