Please help! My bf of 5 yrs (and step to my kids) is an addict & is leaving us..

[sjanem]

Please help me! I have been with this guy for 5.5 years. I have 2 kids that adore him. He has been great...until we moved in together 1 year ago. I always knew he watched porn and masturbated but it wasn't until we moved in together that I realized how bad it is. The first 8-9 months of living together was fine (or so I'd htought). Sex began to taper off. We thought it was going to be more frequent being that we lived together but nope. 2 months ago, he became angry (out of nowhere) at me and stated that he wasn't happy because living with us meant that he could "never be alone". I simply said, well that's what family life is. People are around. It was a quick conversation and ended there. But I had a hunch that "being alone" meant masturbating. I had no idea what it really meant. About a week later, he came back from the gym and asked me if I could leave the bedroom for a little while so he could "handle his biz". I asked why I had to leave, and he said he was going to watch porn and wanted to be alone. I got angry but didn't say anything and left. An hour later I returned, and he became upset. Apparently tht wasn't enough time for him. At that point, he shut down. A few days later, he stated that he was no longer happy being with me, and didn;t want to be around me or the kids anymore. He said he loved me, but wanted to live on his own. I was shocked. I assumed it was related to the "alone time" he desired so much. He then said he loves me, but wants to be alone. He said it's a normal part of life to jerk off and watch porn. He has completely shut down since he cannot watch and jerk as much as he wantts to. He doesn't talk to us. Doesn't go places with us, etc. He has on a number of occassions jerked himself raw as I noticed when we would have sex that it was scabby/ scratched. He laughs about it. This is all no big deal and "normal" to him. He said he has been doing this a few times a week for at least 10 years. He never really had a gf, and sex with him was always a little off. He loves anal, choking, etc. I don't. He also "just doesn't like kissing, hand holding, or cuddling" (his words) This is bad. Really bad. So my question is...how can I bring this up as a real life issue? How can I get him to consider this an addiction that can be helped? How can I keep him from leaving his family? He has chosen PMO over us and plans to move out as soon as we have our finances in order. We live together but are not a couple anymore. HELP!?!?!? What should I do?

 

[sjanem]

Me agian...I should add that he has become socially awkward (unable to converse inteligently with coworkers), groin issues, dizziness, mood swings, zero self confidence, body image issues, other health issues, etc.

 

[sjanem]

I will also add that he continues to see doctors about all his health issues and they cannot find a reason. He has not associated them with his PMO addiction. He believes he has OCD, ADHD, multiple personality disorder, etc.

 

[hoopvol]

Hi Sjanem,

Good you found your way to this forum and reach out for help.
It's a very grim picture, though. It's very hard to make him understand about this problem, when he is convinced it's not a big deal. What helped us, was watching Gabe's videos together, but I'm not sure your partner is willing to do that?
Maybe there is a therapist in your neighborhood, that can help... one who understands the problems of a P addict and the issues it brings into a relationship? But again: he has to be willing to go there and do the work.
The most important thing now is, that you take care of yourself and your children! You can't fight this on your own. He has to see the problem and he's the one who has to be willing to change.
I'm so sorry for you and your children!
I wish you all the strength you'll need!!

 

[sjanem]

Thank you. I fear that he cannot be helped. He has not yet made the connection b/w our relationship and his pmo'ing and isn't willing to see it as anything but normal. This is putting us in a very dire situation. He is moving out, and I cannot afford to stay here alone without his second income. He can support himself if he moves, but I cannot support myself and the kids. We will be homeless because I cannot afford the rent alone along with the other bills. I'm desperate and do not know what to do. All this makes me so mad that he is putting us in this situation for such a selfish reason! We have nowhere to go. I am at rock bottom and feel I have nothing lft to lose by bringing it up to him. I just don't know how to get the conversation started. He is incapable of having a heart to heart conversation. He can barely have a regular conversation anymore.

 

[SickOfIt]

Hello there, welcome to reboot nation. Ok, first of all I am sorry I have been there myself.  My husband didn't realize how bad porn hurt me until I was ready for divorce. I am not gonna lie, if he doesn't want to change then he won't.  Yes, it is sad. I would suggested you to trying to talk to him, find a good marriage counselor, perhaps a good Christian or catholic marriage counselor as in my experience a civilian counselor act like a porn is not a problem.  But also take care of yourself and children because no matter what your kids are more important than your boyfriend. Sorry that you have to go through this!  Do you have a place to stay?  A friend or family?

 

[Steam rolled]

So sorrry to hear.

I to would also advise if you could just ask him if not plead to just listen to gabes videos.
It worked with my SO , I had him wear head phones and i sat out of sight but in the room or give him space, but space that is constuctive. Not destructive.
Though he doesnt see porn that way now it is very destructive and he needs to be informed before he makes a choice to throw away 5.5 years and a family for.
I almost threw away 15 years until i realized he really was clueless.

My SO was shocked at the similarities from Gabes videos that he didnt know of when he was in the
" Trap "
He is now a better man in so many ways its un real sometimes what "IT" can do to a person.
So Maybe Hearing it from another man is what he needs as did mine.

Wish you the best and stay strong.

We are here for you.

 

[chickaboomski]

Hey Sjanem.
I'm sorry for your pain. Your story in some ways similar to my own. My partner and I bought property together and finally moved in together start of last year. He is adored by my 3 girls. Sex seemed to get less and less. He was mainly single and worked away in the bush doing forrestry work in isolation and it was just his way of life. He was always a self admitted not very cuddly person, and didn't like to express his emotions, so hearing I love you etc rarely happened. Or just didn't. I never thought porn as a problem. I wasn't a prude. But after over a year of our sex life being plagued with delayed/no ejaculation, I began to worry something was wrong with me. Or him, medically. Our sex was never passionate, intimate or personal. It was really bad to be honest. I found this site after countless days and hours trying to get to the bottom of his DE. I even bought a stupid online how to make your man crave you and ditch porn thing. Which now makes me angry someone is out there taking advantage of womens low self-esteem. Once I found here it all came together. But how to make him realize? In most cases the worst has to happen, for most it is ED, for my man it was me leaving. I had approached nicely, cried and screamed. Then the cover up, lies, mood swings and lashing out an addict does. It took him loosing me to wake up. We have only just started healing, as in days in. I had to break for him to wake up. I hate him for that. Your man wants it all. He wants you and his porn. They all do. I would suggest leaving the computer open on pages like this and YBOP. I can't say he wont get angry, or say horrible things he doesn't mean. Its horrible and the addiction. You have to think of you and your kids. Focus on keeping it (as in your head) together for you and your kids. Research and read as much as possible and find the best way for you to tackle this. It is different for everyone. Xx Best of luck and remember your beautiful.

 

[sjanem]

Thanks everyone. I feel like since he has decided to leave already (choosing PMO over me; literally asking me to leave the room so he could do it) that I have nothing left to lose here. He does not admit any wrongdoing. Does not admit an addiction. Could care less about my feelings. Could care less about the kids. Even when we did have sex it was always very robotic. No foreplay. No caressing. No kissing. Nothing. It was always just drop your pants and insert here. He seemed like he was distant...like not even looking at me but, through me. There was no rythym or alternating. It was just all in and pump and dump. Sometimes physically hurting me in the process. Why can't he make the connection that this isn't normal for a relationship!? That's retorical...I know why he can't make the connection.

I can only imagine what his viewing has escalated to. He says he wants to leave so he can be alone and so he can be with someone else to "feel the excitement of a new relationship". I fear this means that even porn isn't doing it for him like it used to. I love this guy so much. His addiction runs deep. Long before me. He was always a little detached. I had no exposure to this before in relationships, so I am only now seeing the signs after 5.5 years now that he is open about doing it (PMOing...with no apologies). I did not even know it was a serious thing. I thought watching porn and jerking was the same. I didn't know the frequency of it or the content being watched! I associated porn with jerking. I was wrong. Jerking can be normal. Porn addiction is not. I do not want to know the specifics of what he watches. I'm sure it would be shocking. Horrific even.  I never thought he had a problem until recently he asked me to leave the bedroom in the middle of folding clothes so he could PMO. It was after that encounter that he stated he wanted to leave.

I feel like I have to at least bring this up. If I present it, he may see the light. Is it possible that he doesn't even know he is addicted to the Dopamine high he gets from porn? Is it possible that he doesn't know he has a problem after all these years? Is he THAT blind to his lack of meaningful relationships with women in his life? He doesn't seem to "need" a women as long as he has his laptop. Is it possible that he thinks that is normal? I think he is really screwed up and needs help ASAP. I love him and would be there for him but I think he has already checked out. He has become secretive, reclusive, and just nonexistent in the home.

 

[SickOfIt]

Call me crazy but I wouldn't  put up with his shit. He either wants to be with me or not.  I love my husband but he also knows that if he goes back to porn I am done. He will never see me again. You need to put your feet down. I have been nice to my husband for 4 years of our marriage. About 2 years ago I stopped being nice, he got his phone smashed and flushed down the toilet. He was allowed to have a old cheap phone with limited Internet connection. He had 6 months to get better and acting like husband not like a teenager boy. He never threatened me to leave because he knows that his bags would be packed. I know you care and I know you love him but honey if you don't do anything you will leave in a misery. And trust me you don't want to do that.

 

[chickaboomski]

100% with you sickofit!

 

[chpcbr]

I feel like I have to at least bring this up. If I present it, he may see the light. Is it possible that he doesn't even know he is addicted to the Dopamine high he gets from porn? Is it possible that he doesn't know he has a problem after all these years? Is he THAT blind to his lack of meaningful relationships with women in his life? He doesn't seem to "need" a women as long as he has his laptop. Is it possible that he thinks that is normal? I think he is really screwed up and needs help ASAP. I love him and would be there for him but I think he has already checked out. He has become secretive, reclusive, and just nonexistent in the home.

Yes, yes and yes. Most people don't even know what dopamine is. The concept that behaviours can be addictive in the ways substances are is very new. The concept that porn in particular can be addictive is outside public awareness. Porn is something fun and naughty that most women don't like and that's suddenly available for free on the Internet.

At the same time, anything that happens regularly starts feeling normal, even if it's something objectively aberrant like sending your partner away from a room to be able to wank to porn. You can find a thousand explanations for the lack of meaningful relationships in your life, you can reach the conclusion that you're just not made for it, or for them (women). Deep down you know something's wrong, but you cling to the twisted comfort zone you've built around yourself.

Give it a shot. Give him a chance to burst the bubble and accept what the actual problem is with him.

 

[sjanem]

Yes, I just want him to hear it. He is already packing his bags anyway so no need for me to do it. I figure, on the way out, I will bring this issue to light, give him the info needed to reasearch it on his own, and maybe...just maybe, he will look at the website and learn something about himself. He is always making changes to his life in all other aspects tomake himself happy and nothing works. Jobs, wardrobes, music, activities, partners, body, etc.

It all comes down to the one thing he hasn't yet considered changing...his PMO habit.

 

[chickaboomski]

My heart is truly breaking for you. I was told on here not to push, not to be aggressive and to approach from a gentle loving view. I was also told by strong women and rebooters to set my boundaries and stick to them. To think of my future and what I want and if all else fails unleash the fury O have inside *in not so many words. Being someone who avoids conflict and always considerate, this was my last resort. Eventually, he pushed me to that. I was still not attacking. When I found out there was no option. I calmly pulled the plug myself. I made myself the priority. I made it clear I thought it was a waste of time to invest any more energy into a vortex that was sucking my soul. I wish I didn't wait so long on being subtle. I wish he didn't push me to break. We have so much to rebuild now and are only restting the foundations. I read on YBOP the porn is not an option mentality helps all of the rebooters whatever the driver. I am still in hopeful phase so can not comment if it works but that is where our relationship is at. Porn is not an option. The man you love is in there. He just has to know what he is fighting for. He has no idea and may need a rude awakening. Don't wait for the on your way, you can't save him from himself. On his own to his own devices the addiction will soften that blow. It will be his drug of choice to numb anything you say. I messaged you. Stay strong. For you and your kids.