Getting better, but I am afraid of having sex

[Camouflage]

I recently started dating a girl. I have a history of severe DE and and occasional ED. But during my 80 days hard mode reboot I have seen great progress, and I was able to perform adequately with my new girlfriend during the first few times that we had sex. But I am still not 100% guaranteed to get a full erection with her! And ejaculation only happens maybe 50% of the time. Because of these occasional problems, I get very stressed every time things start going towards sex (she wants to do it quite often). I feel a lot of pressure about performing.

As a result, I am not really looking forward to having sex with her! I am afraid of a failure! I have this fear even though most of the time everything goes fine.

This is bothering me. A man should really want sex, right?! I am embarrassed that my girlfriend wants it more than I do. Could my low libido be a consequence of a performance anxiety? Or am I just flatlining? Is there anything I can do about it? Should we focus on cuddling instead of having sex?

 

[Derrickrose1989]

Hey my friend. If you see good results of the rebooting i think you should not worried about hving sex. I understand you very well. because i also have the same fear when it comes to having sex with a girl i like. I date a few girls and i show better performance with the ones who i dont really like but when it comes to have sex with the girl i like i am getting worried and losing my erection sometimes. I have one little weird  advise for you if you want to try when you have sex. Have your girlsuck your nipples, that move works on me, i gain my erection directly with that. Even though its little weird it helps me to get aroused and maintain a solid erection. Another advise if you dont wanna have sex all the time just tell her that you hve family or work problems. Or you can tell her you are in little depression.

 

[maxee525]

Hey bro,
First off congratulations on your 80 days and your renewed sex life. 
Your post mentions that you feel a lot of pressure to have an erection during sex.  The pressure itself is anxiety and can lead to performance anxiety.  Performance anxiety and PIED are interrelated.  Usually after a guy has one episode of ED, other episodes follow because he is so worried about getting it up, that he can't relax enough and be in the moment enough to get an erection.  Erections are based on relaxation. 

If it is performance anxiety, it can be easily treated with a therapist in usually relatively few number sessions. 

 

[Camouflage]

I date a few girls and i show better performance with the ones who i dont really like but when it comes to have sex with the girl i like i am getting worried and losing my erection sometimes.

I have exactly the same thing! I perform better with girls that I don't really like that much. But with my new girlfriend it is more difficult even though she is super hot. I find it very weird. But it is interesting to hear that I am not alone with such a problem. And I guess it makes sense that it is easier to relax with girls who don't really mean much to me. Even if I fail with them, it is not a big deal, and therefore I am more relaxed and perform better.

Thank you for other advice as well, although I don't personally find my nipples very erogenous.

Maxee, thanks, I think that I will try a therapist and see if she could help me with the performance anxiety.

 

[chpcbr]

Camo, it might be that you just "perform worse"  with your girlfriend because you care.

 

[Camouflage]

Camo, it might be that you just "perform worse"  with your girlfriend because you care.

Yes that's how I see it as well! But girls tend to see poor erection as their fault. Like they are not sexy enough or something. But I did try to communicate to my gf that this is not the case. Fortunately she seemed to believed me...

 

[Hotshot007]

Man, glad i am not alone in this! I am on day 23 of my reboot here, all stemming from a bout of ED that I think may be a combination of performance anxiety and some PIED there (have had to look back through an occasional journal that I have kept infrequently since college to confirm that I have been having some issues in bed for at least the past 5 years or so). Thing is, the woman I want to be with, sometimes I do feel intimidated by her because I know she is so far out of my league its not even funny. And she has told me that she has had issues with some of her other SO's having porn addition, so while she understands that it might be a problem, she is still deeply hurt by my not being able to physically show it, making it a bad situation all around.

Think I will definitely take the advice here and start to see a therapist after I have confirmed that there is nothing physically wrong with me to try and at least get some work done on these issues, as I am out here in a new city with really no one that I can really talk to about this other than a professional. Hell, I don;t even know if I would talk to ANYONE about this other than a few select people that I have met in my life, and they are nowhere near me at the moment....

 

[Derrickrose1989]

Camouflage and hotshot007, i am having excatly the same problems as you guys  having right now. I started to go to sex therapist for like 6 sessions so far and im seeing some good results. sex therapists prepare you to enjoy the sex. Because of my porn addiction i never liked the sex, porn was always better to me, i didnt feel sensation during the sex and all i was thinking fantasizing some porn scenes in my head but sex therapist helps you to get some feeling when you have sex.. I can have sex with some girls so easily but the ones that i really Care, there's always problem. I probably do not want to be embarrassed to them if i do anything wronng and that anxiety makes me lose my erection. Just like i said, there is a hope. Im seeing some good results and it will get better.

 

[Pr3c1se]

I recently started dating a girl. I have a history of severe DE and and occasional ED. But during my 80 days hard mode reboot I have seen great progress, and I was able to perform adequately with my new girlfriend during the first few times that we had sex. But I am still not 100% guaranteed to get a full erection with her! And ejaculation only happens maybe 50% of the time. Because of these occasional problems, I get very stressed every time things start going towards sex (she wants to do it quite often). I feel a lot of pressure about performing.

As a result, I am not really looking forward to having sex with her! I am afraid of a failure! I have this fear even though most of the time everything goes fine.

This is bothering me. A man should really want sex, right?! I am embarrassed that my girlfriend wants it more than I do. Could my low libido be a consequence of a performance anxiety? Or am I just flatlining? Is there anything I can do about it? Should we focus on cuddling instead of having sex?

This definitely happened to me at the end of my reboot.  At the beginning of my reboot, I just completely gave up on sex.  I had quite a few 1 night stands all end in failure, it was pretty embarassing.  So I just gave up in order to seriously focus on this reboot.  Once I started having sex again I was SO NERVOUS.  I constantly felt my dick just wouldn't work and I would be completely embarrassed again.  My way of getting around this was telling my significant other, and I was SO glad I did.  It eliminted that anxiety for me and it allowed me to focus on "rewiring"... I no longer felt obligated to perform and I was comforted knowing that SHE knew I had this issue and wouldn't freak out if I couldn't get hard.  My girl also spent extra time making me feel good and comfortable, more blowjobs..etc.... Girls LOVE WHEN YOU LET THEM IN!  They live for that stuff.  If you want her to really feel special, then let her in on this dark secret of yours.  She'll melt knowing you trusted her this much.  This is actually an opportunity for you to get closer to her WHILE helping your own reboot.  Don't waste such an opportunity

When I first told my girl I was super embarrassed, but after bringing her to yourbrainonporn.com and getting her to read a little about it, my embarrassment faded away.  That little bit of embarrassment was SO WORTH ALL THE POSITIVES THAT CAME FROM TELLING MY GIRL.