I don't know what to title this.

[1morechance_again]

I've replied a couple of times, so I felt I should give an intro.
I'm the SO of an addict. We've been married for 15 years and have three children.
His addiction has been an ongoing issue since before we married, though I didn't know it to be an addiction at the time. I knew it made me uncomfortable, but heard from every direction that porn use was normal for guys and I just had to get over my issues with it.
He never wanted to watch it with me - ever. I always thought that was strange.
I have a history of being abused, he knows it. Sex has always been a negative thing for me, filled with fear and doubt. I did start to feel at least a little safe with him though. But, in all honesty, I'm sure I even know what true, loving sex even looks like, much less what it feels like. Maybe I don't. How would I know?
Maybe there is something more out there, but maybe it's only more hurt.
I don't even remember when the first big blow-up was. A decade ago? All I know is that every time he promised to change, I had hope. And every time, he was back at it the next day. He watches rape, he watches incest. And we have a daughter. He had, up until a few days ago when the SHTF again, a tablet I knew nothing about. He would go hang out at McD's while picking up supper so that he could DL more incest to the tablet without me knowing.
Did he have our children with him any of those times? Does that even matter? Will someone call CPS if they find out and *I* loose my kids??
This is where I am. It's no longer a matter of will he change, it's a matter of will he devolve further? And I am just supposed to trust the he would never do that.
Trust.
No one knows. It's been just me for a decade and a half. I'm about to loose my shit. I had decided that I would stay for the security of a two-parent household until my kids are grown... but, and I can't believe I have to question this... I'm not sure that's a good idea anymore. I can take abuse, btdt. But now it's a matter of my children. I'm scared to death right now.

 

[chickaboomski]

Whooa... I am so sorry to read your post. I was raised by a single mum and also was one before my SO. I am not afraid to do it on my own. You really need to think about yourself and your kids. If you can't be your best self, it effects them. My heart truly goes out to you.

 

[unlovedwife]

Dear Chance,
I can understand that as a mother, your first loyalty is to your children. If you have the resources to move yourself and your family out of the family home, or to run the family home while your husband lives separately, I would advise to do so. While it is unlikely that he would ever act on the porn fantasies, you and the children moving out might make him wake up to the damage that he is doing to your family. If he does and gets his act together, it puts you back on equal footing as an assertive partner. If he doesn't wake up, it is sad to say that you and the children are better without him. Set clear boundaries that you will and will not tolerate to help you make your decisions and stick to it!

Staying together for the sake of the children is not helping the children if they see that the relationship between parents is distant or strained all the time, that Mum has low self esteem and Dad is uncaring. It could be negative for your children to grow up assuming that what you and your husband demonstrate is normal if your relationship is as strained as what my husband and I have.

If resources are the issue, there are ways to secure them so that you and the children are safe and happy. It is a difficult step, and you will miss him, but if you can, separating either short or long term sounds like it would be beneficial to yourself and your children.

You are a resourceful and determined woman, you are strong enough to do what is best for your family.