Beginning recovery

[DK Pony]

Hello all,
My name is Dave and I am 46 years old.
I have known I had a porn addiction for several years but everything was working correctly so I didn't see a reason to change.
I recently realized that things were out of control.
This could be a very long story in how I got to this point.
I drive a truck for a living and started using my phone to watch porn. Then it got so I would watch it at home . Then I would rather watch porn and masturbate than have sex with my wife. We haven't had sex in two years now.
I began watching porn just for the purpose of masturbation and more and more into genres that were not what I wanted..I guess like going to increasingly hard drugs if it were that type of addiction.
This has been going on for about 5 years.
I have always had a strong libido and my "little friend" performs without fail..until a year ago.
To keep it up I had to go for the "harder"  porn.
I started to watch men in restrooms across the country..not participate although that would probably be the next step, but it was like watching porn for me. But it was live I guess.
So a few months ago my wife and I took a vacation and I couldn't perform. But in the middle of the night while she was sleeping I watched porn and masturbated.
Since then it has been the same story many times.
A few days ago we tried again with the same result. I left the house on the road and easily masturbated to porn that evening.
So I started searching the net and found this site.
That's pretty much how I ended up here and realized what needs to happen.
So my recovery begins. ....

 

[savingmysoul]

Its a good first step posting here, this great site has many of us in the same boat.

You are not alone.  We all know what we need to do, and we all no it aint easy.  But it can be done. 

Embrace your strength.

Welcome

 

[Viper]

You came to the right place (no pun intended).
Yours is a classic case and there are more and more married men on
here who share the same story.
You can find their journals as well.
Rebooting is definitely in order but there is good news;
YOu can overcome this.
It's not going to be easy but some of us are already on
the upswing of our reboot.
You know you have a problem when the porn that you really
like wasn't enough anymore and you had to browse different
variety to blast your dopamine.
Now a real vagina doesn't do anything for you.
Probably don't even want to kiss her, right?

So the first thing you want to do is delete all the porn you
downloaded. That's a bold declaration of your commitment.
I don't pretend that it's easy but it looks like you've made an
effort to try to recover so these first steps are big ones.

 

[Pi]

Welcome Dave, glad you found your way here.

We share a few similarities: I found that my use of porn really got out of control and became a problem about 5 years ago. My wife and I have had sex only once this year: like you, I have preferred to masturbate to porn. The heavy use of porn left me anxious and depressed, and is putting my career and marriage in jeopardy. I've had enough of all that, and that's why I'm here.

Read some journals, keep writing in your journal, and spend some time at yourbrainonporn.com. There is some great support and understanding from the guys here. Best wishes.

 

[DK Pony]

Thanks for all the kind words and support.
I am on day 5 now with no PMO.
I am surprised at how much I end up touching myself all day. Now that I am conscious of it I am attempting to stop.
I have to say that I really didn't understand the extent of my problems until I began to try to do something about it.
I have been married 18 years and sex, as usual for most married couples, slowly died off. So the porn and masturbation became a substitute.
I have 3 other women besides my wife but it's not what you might think.  I have never slept with any of them...as a matter of fact I have only met one and we knew each other in high school.
They send me pictures of themselves doing whatever I ask (no not together) and I didn't realize it until now that I have created my own personal porn. The pictures come in on my phone and I take care of things. Also 1 of them calls me and we have "phone sex".
I am beginning to see what I have done and know that a change..a major change is in order.
I feel better already about myself. I have told all the extras to stop and blocked their numbers. I have replaced my PMO time with reading and working out.
Thanks again and I will keep you posted.

 

[Viper]

Ok, seems like you're on the right track. Keep up the good work.
There will be some bumps on the road but don't be discouraged.

 

[DK Pony]

Thanks for the encouragement. Today has been particularly difficult.
In my job I don't have much down time but when I do I used to watch porn and m....a lot.
Today I have an extra 18 hours to fill. Normally I would already have  watched porn or called a friend to talk me into and through it.
So far I have resisted..just got to keep my mind still and remain in control and determined.

 

[savingmysoul]

Hang in there DK, this can be overcome.
You're doing great!

Find other activities to fill your downtime, it does help keep your mind from going to other places.  In time those new activities will start to be your focus.  I have always played video games - and they became my gateway to P.  late at night or alone.  In the beginning of my reboot i was surprised to be missing the video games and not the P - I have had no urges to surf for P or to M - oddly enough not at all, not once.  I have started to cook with my wife, and i have found that on Friday afternoon - where before i would be missing the gaming that night - i find that i am very much looking forward to cooking dinner with my wife, drinking some wine and talking, playing cards, whatever.  The point is find some alternatives both when alone and with your wife - they will slowly become somewhat the new normal.  No, its not overnight.  But you will be surprised how they do work their way into your thinking.

Embrace your strength -

 

[Viper]

hope you don't watch it on company computer

 

[DK Pony]

Well, here's an update.
I made it 21 days without a relapse.
It is a long story but my wife and I are now separated. I am sure the added stress has added to the problem.
I woke up with morning wood for the first time in years. I got all excited about the situation and..
But it didn't require porn.
I have found some other activities to occupy my time and am now reading and exercising more.
One thing that I have found is odd and I guess it is more of a habit than anything else.
Most evenings I would watch porn on my phone. Now I pick up my phone in the evening to check weather, email etc.
And the first thing that happens is I get an erection. I guess it is one of those conditioning type of things. My phone isn't particularly sexy.
I have had a relapse but the healing continues.
Thanks again for all the support and good luck to everyone.

 

[savingmysoul]

Hey DK,

It is all about building new habits, finding healthy activities to fill our time.

Sounds like you have good momementum, one day at a time.

You can beat this.