so now the journey truly begins

[chickaboomski]

So finally after 1 year of question and wonder why did my man seem disinterested in sex with me, why when we did could I never or rarely satisfy him, why when we did was it empty, robotic, sad? Why when we did, did he not see me, but stared through me and close his eyes. Why would he prefer porn instead of the real thing. Then I found here. 6 months ago, I approached the subject of his use, his rejection of me for it, which he never hid or lied about. But refusal to acknowledge it was and addiction the lies, sneaking, cover ups, betrayal began. This made a man appear who I had not met before. He was cranky, depressed, moody and on a few occasions outright mean and hurtful with his words. Not because he was valid, but because he was looking to me for our relationship breaking down as I desperately tried to save it. But 2 weeks ago hit a tipping point. The month prior he had tested the limits of how much I could take, he tested the boundaries I had set out of respect for myself. He backed himself into a corner of lose it all or lose porn... For good. He clasped on to excuses... No ones perfect, reasons... I didn't think it was a big deal.  Justifications... I never hid it from you. My silence and only words said... I am done. You did know it was a big deal, we have been over it before. I am not asking for perfection. I got an apology and we both had a sleepless restless night in separate rooms. The next morning I got an acknowledgement of his addiction. Breaking my trust and hurting me. We spent the next night apart. I had finally after 6 months got what I wanted. Or so I thought. Being pushed to the point of throwing it all away for porn, means our relationship is in ruins, and restoring and rebuilding trust is going to be super hard. I can see the effort,  I can see the change. I am meeting a man I have never met who makes my heart skip a beat. He is present. He looks at me. At me. Not through me. He holds me. Now when we have sex there is an intimacy that has been missing our whole relationship. My trust however, is non existant. My anxiety is at an all time high, knowing that if he falls from grace again. That is it for us. I shake at the thought that I have given him the opportunity to break my heart again. I am in a bipola state (figure of speech) of highs and lows in the one day when I think about it. So I try not to think about it. I try and take one moment at a time. I am trying to focus only on the moment we are in. Not in the future and not in the past. He is turning into the man of my dreams. My heart swells everyday at the love he has for me. Its just the realization that our journey has just trully begun is a little overwhelming. I know this is a long road and I am hesitant to be jumping for joy just yet. But YAY 2 weeks my man. Now heres to the next 2.

 

[hoopvol]

Hi Chickaboomski,

I understand what you're saying. It took me a long time to make my husband realize we/he had a problem. When he finally admitted he was a PA and was willing to make the change, I was like: what's next? You don't know what to expect and you're still scared to get disappointed. It took me some time to let go of the anger and I still get overwhelmed sometimes. (feeling very sad, without knowing exactly why). You have to learn to forgive, but it's not easy to forget.
But most important: you can start you're healing-process together. And reading your post, you already see and feel the difference. I'm so glad for you! Welcome to this side of the coin!!

 

[chickaboomski]

Thank you Hoopvol, we do still have one major issue. Communication. It's not a small issue, lets face it, it is huge. In the two weeks since no words have been spoken about any of it. And if one of us doesn't break the ice soon, we are heading for disaster I can feel it. We are two very alike personalities. Neither of us like to hurt anyone and hold things in just incase we do. We also avoid confrontation like the plague so we don't raise topics just in case. I know I will have to be the bigger person here. Just after his reactions and mood swings I am not only scared I will hurt him, I am scared he will react to hurt me.
A beautiful mess we are.

 

[hoopvol]

Hi Chickaboomski,

you're right: you have to be the bigger person. We still have times, that communication about this subject is minimum. Every time I felt something was up, or every time I thought we just had to talk about it more, I had to drag the words out of him... mostly by asking questions. A year ago I noticed (the familiar) changes and I wanted to talk about it, but I too was scared to hurt him. I was worried, that he had relapsed. I waited a long time (too long) to ask him about it, because I was afraid that he would think I would never be able to trust him again. The sad thing is: I was right... He had been watching P for over 6 weeks before I finally asked him. My gut told me something was up, but I waited too long, because I was afraid of hurting him. He was terrified of telling me, because he was afraid of hurting (or even loosing me). And because of the almighty shame, of course. It kept his relapse going, because he felt so bad about himself and that feeds the addiction. If I had talked about it earlier, the damage would have been less. Trust your gut-feeling. I'm not saying, that I think your husband is relapsing, but I'm trying to tell you, that not talking can do a lot of damage. And if your gut tells you, you're heading for disaster if you don't start talking...
It's not an easy topic to bring up and our spouses are not the talkative kind, but maybe we can help them keep the conversation going...

Much love and keep strong!

 

[chickaboomski]

The other day I watched an old favorite with mey kids... "The never ending story". It was weird how having not seen it in the last 12 months, when they were talking about "The Nothing" taking over, and the monster lerking in the shadows, how after this last 12 months I related it to mine and my partners journey. "The Nothing" trully captures what comes of him, then us, then me. The moster in the shadows with its gnarling teeth I am always on the lookout for. But The Nothing is hard to escape. In order to protect myself from the gnarly teeth monster I tend to embrace the nothing. The numbness. The no feeling. The no caring. Is this a never ending story? Will one day the fog clear and the sun shine through?
And on a lighter note, if not, Damn it I want a flying dragon dog!!!

 

[Gracie]

I think that once we know about the porn, we always are hyper-vigilant and watch.  The reason is that most of us knew something was not right, but did not know what it was.  Because as you say it was lurking in the shadows.  We knew something was affection our husband and our marriage we did not know what it was.  Since it snuck up on us, catching us unaware, we look for the signs we missed all the time.  I am lucky, my husband listens when I talk about this feeling and experience it.  I also think that no matter what anyone says about porn, we women feel we were not enough.  This is because as wives, we are the doers, the fixers, the counselors in our families.  It batters our "we our rockin this marriage" image.  We are married to men we trusted with everything.  Men who loved us, chose us (and us them), watched our babies be born, made love to us, knew our fears.  And then we feel that something is not right.  We try to talk they close us out.  It never occurs to us that they now view the answer to celebrating, feeling bad, wife sick, death, losing job, boredom as a reason to sit down and watch people having sex or just look at naked images and have a hand party.  It becomes the answer to any feeling they have.  I work in the field of sexual assault, and I asked my husband.  "What is it about a hard on and orgasm that causes men to risk everything for that?"  They will risk careers, marriages, losing girlfriends, children, money all for that. 

So once there is this monster in the shadows, we watch and we are careful.  Because we do not want that feeling ever again.

 

[Steam rolled]

Glad to hear things are looking up Chicka.

It feels good to save someone you love from a life of never ending nothing!
He is trying thats a huge step!


Your a very strong caring woman like others in this thread.

Xox!