stavraetos
New Member
I'm 28 years old, I'm of Greek descent, I live in the US and I'm a young professional. I work for a software company as a consultant. I'm currently at at least day 30 of no porn, but it hasn't been hard at all, because I'm depressed and I have no sex drive. I'm here because this isn't the first time I've stopped watching porn and it certainly isn't the first time I've been depressed. I've been diagnosed bipolar 2 and I have some borderline traits. I also tend to have obsessive thoughts at times. So being depressed isn't easy.
The thing is... depression doesn't come out of nowhere. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of off and on 4 years. I thought I was going to marry her, I still want to in fact, even though she has moved on. Not surprisingly, my porn abuse was one of the biggest problems in our relationship, just as it's been one of the biggest things holding me back in all aspects of my life. I sometimes think about the 10000 hour rule and 7 years that it takes to become great at something and all the hours that I've spent alone in a room masturbating to videos. I think of so many things I've missed out on and so many things that I've failed at because of my addiction. I know that this is something that's diminishing my life in all aspects and yet I haven't been able to quit. I've tried to quit so many times before, only to gradually take it back up again after being triggered or getting particularly anxious. I think some of you may recognize the pattern, not watching real porn, maybe a sexy bikini video on youtube, or looking at the sexiest celebrity pictures, then before you know it you're back to hardcore stuff.
I recognize in myself all the characteristics of an addict, constantly craving my next high, not being able to stop even though it is negatively affecting my social life, my job (Yes, I watched porn on my work laptop and sometimes even at work. I've masturbated at my desk in the office), my self-esteem, and anything else valuable in my life. I started watching porn rather early, when I was 11-12, so my entire life, I've always taken a really long time to cum. In fact, most of the time, I have to really focus on making myself climax, it doesn't happen involuntarily. The only times I've been a minute man are when I've gone to a prostitute, the sexual excitement reaching a whole different level than just regular sex. I've wished I would have sex like some of my friends describe, really fast the first time, second time just right, third time takes a little too long and you get physically tired. Yes... 3 times, not 1 like I have almost every time.
I've gone through a lot of the other things as well. I've had ED which led to me questioning my sexuality. I've had decreased pleasure. I've gone up the ramp of porn hardcore-ness from the most vanilla to some really really deviant stuff, stuff that I never thought I'd be into. I've fantasized and even acted upon some of these things that I never thought I'd be into and frankly, would prefer not to be into.
I don't know what else to add here, other than I appreciate others' support and I will look to make my contributions on your journals as well.
The thing is... depression doesn't come out of nowhere. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of off and on 4 years. I thought I was going to marry her, I still want to in fact, even though she has moved on. Not surprisingly, my porn abuse was one of the biggest problems in our relationship, just as it's been one of the biggest things holding me back in all aspects of my life. I sometimes think about the 10000 hour rule and 7 years that it takes to become great at something and all the hours that I've spent alone in a room masturbating to videos. I think of so many things I've missed out on and so many things that I've failed at because of my addiction. I know that this is something that's diminishing my life in all aspects and yet I haven't been able to quit. I've tried to quit so many times before, only to gradually take it back up again after being triggered or getting particularly anxious. I think some of you may recognize the pattern, not watching real porn, maybe a sexy bikini video on youtube, or looking at the sexiest celebrity pictures, then before you know it you're back to hardcore stuff.
I recognize in myself all the characteristics of an addict, constantly craving my next high, not being able to stop even though it is negatively affecting my social life, my job (Yes, I watched porn on my work laptop and sometimes even at work. I've masturbated at my desk in the office), my self-esteem, and anything else valuable in my life. I started watching porn rather early, when I was 11-12, so my entire life, I've always taken a really long time to cum. In fact, most of the time, I have to really focus on making myself climax, it doesn't happen involuntarily. The only times I've been a minute man are when I've gone to a prostitute, the sexual excitement reaching a whole different level than just regular sex. I've wished I would have sex like some of my friends describe, really fast the first time, second time just right, third time takes a little too long and you get physically tired. Yes... 3 times, not 1 like I have almost every time.
I've gone through a lot of the other things as well. I've had ED which led to me questioning my sexuality. I've had decreased pleasure. I've gone up the ramp of porn hardcore-ness from the most vanilla to some really really deviant stuff, stuff that I never thought I'd be into. I've fantasized and even acted upon some of these things that I never thought I'd be into and frankly, would prefer not to be into.
I don't know what else to add here, other than I appreciate others' support and I will look to make my contributions on your journals as well.
