I went so long...and then, binge relapsed.

[Restezen]

I am indeed an addict. 

I did my 90 day reboot.  Then I even went a few months more.  But then, as everyone said could happen, including myself, increasing use of porn subs to get a little kick of dopamine over a few months led to a complete relapse.  I didn't just MO, I PMOed.  I didn't just PMO, I PMOed 3 times in a weekend and twice in a day.  I figured, I'd already relapsed, I might as well get the most of it if I plan on stopping again.

I feel terrible.  Not because I let it happen, but because it makes me feel like I have absolutely no control over myself.  I've become so sensitive to sexual triggers that even the slightest appearance of cleavage on a beautiful girl on my facebook feed made me have to touch myself.  I went hundreds of days without PMO and I just felt more and more sensitive. 

It makes it really hard that my girlfriend lives so far away and I can only see her on weekends, meaning sometimes I can't have sex for 2 or more weeks.  But I don't think that excuses anything.

Procrastination and making myself believe that I was stronger than I am is what led to my relapse.  Why does my brain automatically seek sexual stimulation any time I want to avoid doing work??  The fact that it makes you feel like you can have the most beautiful, sexy woman perform your most desired fantasy made porn the most powerful drug for me.  How do I make real-life feel that way?  Or how do I cope with the fact that the illusions presented in porn are just not achievable in this life?

Now it's time to start all over from the beginning.  I'm going to try to close down my facebook for a while if possible.  Please wish me luck, everyone! :'(

 

[ajcoals]

Hey bro,
I completely understand, and i'm sorry you had a relapse...they SUCK. Remember what Gabe says in one of the videos, just because you relapse doesn't mean you go back to day 0 in terms of your process, you''ve grown tremendously from the man you were.

Also, our growth and freedom from this is rarely linear so, don't wast time beating yourself up...just get busy continuing to fight this.  You had a bad couple of days, now keep fighting this to get it out of your life.

A question I'd pose you...what accountability do you have in your life? do you have someone you can call when things get tempting?  You need to.  Work through that and your triggers and responses to them.

 

[Restezen]

I don't think I really have anyone in my life that I can be open with that will actually be able to give me any support.  My girlfriend knows about my problem but I don't think she really understand addiction and I would feel ashamed to tell her when I relapse.  I think I'll try to post a journal entry on here every week.  I really left this community behind for a while and I think that was a mistake.

 

[Restezen]

I was trying to delete my Instagram today but I couldn't figure out how.  It seems to only allow me to suspend my account. That definitely won't cut it because even just going in to try to delete it I found myself hunting down sexy pics.  I think I found out how to delete my account but I have to wait till I get home.  I'm really afraid I'm going to relapse again.  My brain kept telling me it's ok because I'm about to delete it and it would be the last time I would have the chance.  Arrrgh!  Wtf is wrong with me?

 

[Phase2]

For some reason, you can't delete instagram from your phone--you have to do it from a desktop. https://help.instagram.com/139886812848894

Sounds like you need to work on those triggers. Do you have K9 set up on your computer? Facebook doesn't sound good for you either. Delete it. Believe me, life goes on without Facebook. And in many cases, life is better. Facebook is a 'searching and seeking' dopamine device.

Keep going buddy. One bad weekend doesn't ruin everything. Just get back up on the horse and learn from your mistakes. You can do this!