I'm married. I need advice from married people struggling with porn.

[ulaozin]

Hello,

I'm married. We live together for 4 years, but we dated for about 12 years. I'm 30, my wife is the only partner I had in my life. I really need advice about sex with my wife during the reboot process from people who have a long term relationship. 

I have a journal here:
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=5071.0

You don't need to read It, I will sum up the story before asking my questions.

Since I learned about internet porn addiction I never doubted it was my problem. Actually it was a big relief, because I was thinking I was getting crazy. My life was a mess before I found out rebootnation and YBOP. I had no energy, my sexual life collapsed with ED, I barely could do my obligations. I have a family background of mental disorders. I have myself a moderate social phobia and an OCD. I treated myself most of my life with psychoanalysis, and since I discovered in April this year that porn was a problem I'm attending a behavioural therapist. My porn frequency was about 2 to 3 hours daily. If I had the chance of being alone a whole day I could easily go to 5, 6 or 7 hours. Now You can see from my counter that I can make more than a week, but it's still not enough. My record so far was 47 days without porn or subs. I already have a lot of improvements, I can see even when I masturbate with or without porn that my ED is better. Before that even porn wouldn't make me rock solid anymore. I also noticed a substantial decrease of my paranoia and fear of self exposure, although it's still a big problem.

I also have a lot of problems that are triggers for my anxiety, and thus leads me to relapse. I owe money to the bank. My mother in law was struggling with a cancer for 2 years and she passed away in July. My wife was depressed for many years even before we discovery her mother's cancer, because she had a very shity and distressing job. Now she is grieving and unemployed. I am in the 3rd year of doctoral studies and I have one more year to write a thesis which is leading me to sleeplessness. We live with my scholarship and help from my father. Until the end of my last year of scholarship I have to overcome my social phobia and get a job. 

I will also make a little time list with some important remarks:

03/X At some point of march I started to workout. My life was a waste. I'm still working out and it's wonderful for my recovery.
04/22 ? first log on my internet historic for ybop and rebootnation ( I started reading whatever I could find about porn addiction and started to try abstention)
05/16 ? registered on the site
05/31 ? First post on my journal (with 15 days clean)

I put some parental control yesterday in both computers I have in home. I hope this can help me with the impulsive relapses, although I'm afraid I could find a way to bypass them, even if I'm not good with computers. Anyway, I hate myself to not doing it. I should have put a blocker a long time ago.

I'm fighting this addiction without truce for almost 200 days. In this period I only had sex with my wife twice.

The first time was 05/29, I remember my ED was a little better but I couldn't sustain erection. The second was 09/04. I marked in my journal that I had a 70% erection, 50% sensitivity, no porn memories, no mental dissociation. 

So my problem is: I have to have sex with my wife. I don't have libido for it, I read in ybop that it can delay my recovery, but this chastity is driving her crazy. She doesn't masturbate at all and also she doesn't like foreplay. So I really need to hear from people who is struggling porn as a couple what did you do, or how did you do during this period? Did you have sex or not? Did you schedule it as something to do in the routine? I sometimes think it's better to schedule, even if I don't want, because the worst thing is when she is a long time waiting and suddenly ask for it, and it happens when I just relapsed. Did you take any drug? Should I try something? Maybe I'm blocked because I'm to much afraid of failure. I know I still have a long road ahead until I can fully enjoy sex again, but in the mean time I must find a way to give pleasure to my wife.

If you are married, or if you are a partner of a rebooted, please give me some guidance. You can tell me a little about your experience or you can point me to an old journal entry about it. Any information will be appreciated.

 

[Bango Skank]

Hello mate I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm a bit socially anxious, tend to be a loner, a little personal debt : a bit of a screw up in some ways but who isn't? And I also married the first serious girlfriend I had. My wife also doesn't masturbate and isn't really that into foreplay. I wonder if yours is a similar type of girl.

For years it bothered me that she doesn't have the carnal desire for sex that I have, I thought it was just a women thing - but I hear of plenty of women who sometimes feel like "I just want to get laid this very instant..." just as most men do every day... My wife doesn't have this. I couldn't fathom how anyone could live their life never masturbating or orgasming.

What I had been blinded to though is that for my wife, the emotional closeness and the bonding process of making love and feeling loved is what gratifies her the most. I have posted elsewhere about the value of being affectionate to my wife, touching, kissing at all times in my life. Not just in the bedroom. This is all a fairly new realisation in the last few weeks but it's been a revolution for me/us.

Since starting this process it is like we have begun our whole relationship over from scratch. We are awkward during sex and clumsy and a bit embarrassed but we laugh and have to relearn what we have lost.

Talk to her, hold her,touch her, kiss her, LOVE HER even when there is no sex that night, just make the feel of your bodies together the most natural and normal thing.

DO NOT take ED drugs; you don't have a physical problem, unless they are prescribed. It's all in your mind.

Hope that's not too much to take in but all I can say is I know how you feel to some extent. Bad luck for RN that I'm on the couch today with the flu from hell

 

[JKLIVIN]

While I can't say I've been in as long a relationship as you may be seeking, I feel I may have some advice for you.  I have just turned 31. My wife is the only long term sexual partner I have ever had. I have now been married to my wife for just shy of 3 months. We have been friends for the last 4 years, dating for the last almost 3 years and living together for just over 2 years. My p addiction came out just over 8 months ago. We had been engaged at the time for not quite 3 months, and were set to get married in 6 months. With a lot of hard work and determination I am happy to say that we didn't have to delay the wedding. We did go through some arguments, and she still has a hard time from time to time, we are a very happily married couple.

Now onto the reboot phase. At first she could not stand to be with me. She didn't want to be touched or seen by me. Then it became she felt like she had to be like the girls in P. The raunchier, the better. We quickly learned though through lots of reading and experience that this is not the best option. It was almost as if she was feeding the p habit. We then looked into books about tantric sex. Learning about the connection between two people. The energy. At first this started as purely touching, and feeling, with no actual sex. We focused on syncing our breathing, and the sensations of the other persons hands on your body. Feeling the arms, legs, stomach, neck, anything BUT the sexual organs. To this day it was some of the most amazing experiences either of us had ever had. At that time you don't think about sex. You don't think about completion, you only think about being there, in the moment, with your significant other, and feeling the connection the two of you have.

I am happy to say it has that full 8 months since the addiction came out that I have not watched p. But it wasn't easy. I have gone through professional help, we have attended a session together, and I have put in a lot of practice towards a zen approach to life. Mindfulness as been my key. And this is where the tantric sex practice comes in. It is about being completely mindful of the situation, the feelings , the sights, the sounds. This is the best advice I could give. Instead of worrying about the act of sex, focus on the experience and the connection it can bring between the two of you.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and that all made sense.. If you have any thoughts or questions  please feel free to ask.

 

[ulaozin]

Hello Bango Skank and Jklivin,

Thank you very much for your replies. I wanted to reply back sooner, but I was still trying to put the pieces together. During the last few days I bought tadalafil and used it with my wife for the first time ever. I know it's the opposite of what you are suggesting for me, and I understand that it's not an answer for my addiction. But I was so frustrated of not being able to please my wife. She was also begging, craving, demanding, cursing me for sex, and she was the one who suggested the pill. We only had sex twice for the last 6 months. During the effect of the pill I had a solid erection, but I still had little sensitivity and couldn't get o. It was a palliative. But the fear of failure and my wife's constant frustration was terrible for my self-esteem.

When I said she didn't like foreplay what I meant was that she wanted exactly what I couldn't give, which is my penis erected. I think she has a reasonable amount of libido. The problem is my porn addiction, and she is holding and waiting me for months. Actually while I trained my self with porn during all those years, she never liked porn and she doesn't like masturbation either, but she loves sex. I also always envied her orgasms and I never understood until now, why my orgasms are so feeble compared to hers. During the years I had this "thought" that I was good at bed, that I could give her great orgasms, now I laugh at myself, because I know that the reason she has amazing orgasms is because she treats her body with care, she don't overstimulate herself with junk pornography or compulsive masturbation.  We are very loving and tender with each other. We spend a lot of time together. Even so, I was completed blocked about doing sex. And I think I'm still blocked, my addiction is always getting in the way and I still have a long way to reboot.

Also, I don't know if this tantric approach would work for us, at least for now it seems very hard for both of us. On one side, I had so many frustrated experiences in the last one or two years when my ED became worse, that I think I'm not ready to be intimate without thinking about my erection (or lack of it), on the other side, I asked my wife and she says she is not interested in go to bed without having intercourse. 

Anyway, thanks again for your replies. I was in a desperate situation, and I fell very good to have this forum to share and learn from other's experience. I'm still pondering on my next steps. In truth I'm inclined to use tadalafil again, because I can't deny my wife sex for more 6 months. Although I already feel some improvements, I'm sure my recovery will take quite some time because I'm under a lot of stress.

Please, if you have any concerns about this decision, share them with me.