This is such a relief for me, finding this site. I have close friends, none of which I can reveal my addiction to. I'm 22 and have been a porn addict since I was 10.
The hardest thing for me is I am Christian, so I feel like I cant turn to anyone for help in fear of judgement. Both from Christians, and from my atheist friends who have nicknamed me "virgin mary"
My addiction started when I saw a flyaway page from a magazine when walking home from school. It was naked female. WHen I first saw it through it away. But that night, my world changed. I thought about the picture and I felt different.
Since then I have struggled with pornography in all its sence. I have always been imaginative, so even when I was too afraid to Google body parts I could imagine. At 12 a found fanfiction, and with it Erotica. I found I became VERY addicted to it, and the more I read the less guilty and disgusted I felt when looking at the pictures....
I've come to a place that if I dont get help I will do something I will regret. My future career depends on getting better. Because my last two pornographic web searches scare the living day lights out if me
As for the title of my post.... My go to option when feeling withdrawl is to write a book about a girls struggle with pornography, and trying to get the word out. (its fictional with facts in it) I have promised myself once I am clean, I can publish my book. I will not be a hypocrit at the alter
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So I haven't written in a long time for various reasons, but this sight has always been on my mind. I haven't looked at much porn since I last logged, but boy did my fantasies ramp up! It's horrible, not being able to control lingering thought. I don't feel guilty perse, I just feel let down. I wish I could be honest with someone, but my mum is going through some issues with my dad being into porn and there is no-one else I can truly confide in. I sometimes wonder if my family can do it together, but then I am a female and the others who struggle are both males (Father & Brother) and I am scared this may just make our struggle worse. I know the guys don't know about my addiction, but know of each others so its hard having people so close to me that could help, but can't. I just want to stop fantasising, because when I fantacize I MO and I just feel... blah!
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Again, gone for far too long.
Can't work out the barometer but hey.
I struggle a lot with fantasy. As you can probably see. Its hurting me more than porn I think :'( When I look at Porn I am always very cautious. The "wait for marriage" part of me doesn't want to look at men's bits, so I limit myself to females. I'm not a lesbian, but I find that female porn gratifies me a lot. It doesn't matter the size if I can get a look at b**bs I get off. Guy porn actually makes me feel sick and pretty much forget it. But in my fantasies I can use biology class lessons to know what I want. And the fantasies are getting darker creepier sadder. I feel so ashamed. I don't know how I came up with them in the first place. When I first started, it was only vanilla pics of b**bs, never venturing into videos, yet things like incest came to mind. I dont know where they came from and same with the ones now. If i use porn or erotica it is to look up what i first have been fantasizing about. I don't really know my triggers apart from boredom. And while Ming I have recently turned to using DIY toyS :'( SO HOPELESS
The hardest thing for me is I am Christian, so I feel like I cant turn to anyone for help in fear of judgement. Both from Christians, and from my atheist friends who have nicknamed me "virgin mary"
My addiction started when I saw a flyaway page from a magazine when walking home from school. It was naked female. WHen I first saw it through it away. But that night, my world changed. I thought about the picture and I felt different.
Since then I have struggled with pornography in all its sence. I have always been imaginative, so even when I was too afraid to Google body parts I could imagine. At 12 a found fanfiction, and with it Erotica. I found I became VERY addicted to it, and the more I read the less guilty and disgusted I felt when looking at the pictures....
I've come to a place that if I dont get help I will do something I will regret. My future career depends on getting better. Because my last two pornographic web searches scare the living day lights out if me
As for the title of my post.... My go to option when feeling withdrawl is to write a book about a girls struggle with pornography, and trying to get the word out. (its fictional with facts in it) I have promised myself once I am clean, I can publish my book. I will not be a hypocrit at the alter
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
So I haven't written in a long time for various reasons, but this sight has always been on my mind. I haven't looked at much porn since I last logged, but boy did my fantasies ramp up! It's horrible, not being able to control lingering thought. I don't feel guilty perse, I just feel let down. I wish I could be honest with someone, but my mum is going through some issues with my dad being into porn and there is no-one else I can truly confide in. I sometimes wonder if my family can do it together, but then I am a female and the others who struggle are both males (Father & Brother) and I am scared this may just make our struggle worse. I know the guys don't know about my addiction, but know of each others so its hard having people so close to me that could help, but can't. I just want to stop fantasising, because when I fantacize I MO and I just feel... blah!
XXXXXXXXXX.
Again, gone for far too long.
Can't work out the barometer but hey.
I struggle a lot with fantasy. As you can probably see. Its hurting me more than porn I think :'( When I look at Porn I am always very cautious. The "wait for marriage" part of me doesn't want to look at men's bits, so I limit myself to females. I'm not a lesbian, but I find that female porn gratifies me a lot. It doesn't matter the size if I can get a look at b**bs I get off. Guy porn actually makes me feel sick and pretty much forget it. But in my fantasies I can use biology class lessons to know what I want. And the fantasies are getting darker creepier sadder. I feel so ashamed. I don't know how I came up with them in the first place. When I first started, it was only vanilla pics of b**bs, never venturing into videos, yet things like incest came to mind. I dont know where they came from and same with the ones now. If i use porn or erotica it is to look up what i first have been fantasizing about. I don't really know my triggers apart from boredom. And while Ming I have recently turned to using DIY toyS :'( SO HOPELESS
