This really messes partners up too.

[unlovedwife]

I need to vent about my recent experiences. Like most of you I have a partner with PA and have been left feeling disgusting and worthless most of the time. For the last two years I have been not good enough for him, and he's told me that I am the reason he uses porn.

I have caught him lying to me all the time, covering up his addiction and stealing money from me to continue it. He has lost his job over it (free wifi at work = he sits in he mens for hours) and cannot hold a new one for very long. He is at home by himself, leaving those wonderful tiny semen stains in his underwear again. Our lease expired, I told him it was the end of the year to work things out. I'm sick of confronting him to be told "I'll stop" only to catch him again, sick of feeling useless and ugly.

My husband has moved into the spare room (I love him so much and he is a fantastic person, maybe we can still be friends when his sexual preference (of porn over real women) won't hurt me so much). Four days in, I'm working two jobs and finally get half a day off (after 19 days working), so I take an afternoon nap in what is now my bed in my room.

My subconscious decided to give me a really vivid dream, it wasn't a nightmare because it has happened and would continue to happen if I gave the man that I love more than anything in the world another chance. I dreamed that we were working together in a new place, while he was at work I was setting up the house and I was SO happy, contented and loving. I was putting things in the kitchen cupboards of our new house and singing while I did it. I was putting the empty boxes in the spare room when I found porn, lots of it, in the style he prefers. I found magazines, dvds, masturbatory aids and lots of pictures of women. In the dream I cried until I vomited, the hot rage and betrayal washing over me in thunderous waves. In reality, I had vomited on the bed and woke choking on my vomit. When I woke up, I felt the betrayal and rage still. I still feel it receding now. I wanted to kill myself, more specifically to hang myself. I even got as far as identifying where I could do it and what with. Porn addiction is hell for partners. I am now a suicidal mess. If your partner will get help, please do it. I am dying on the inside, my subconscious poisoned to this extent by the constant lies and betrayals of someone I love. I still feel worthless, ugly and inadequate, I'm going to have to go to the hospital over this before it gets any worse. Please do not let this happen to you.

 

[chickaboomski]

Oh Sweetness, please focus on yourself and your wellbeing and not your partner. You are worth it. You do not deserve this. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to feel attractive, safe, a mans everything. I know your pain as my nightmare continues. I have given up trying. I have given up saying I will leave. The last time I said that, he told me to stop saying it, and just leave without a word. He followed up with other crap like I don't want you to, but it is emotional blackmail and abuse what I was doing to him. He hasn't stopped to look at this or any other porn addiction sites. So. I decided I will. I refuse to let this, steal my passion. My sanity. My life. It could quite easily if I let it. But I know I have so much to give and someone out there will love and appreciate it. So do you. You are not the reason he watches porn. That is him trying to hurt you. Because he feels you are hurting him. It hurts for them to face reality and see the men (loosely phrased) they have become. The one thing this has taught me to choose me. If he wont choose me above porn. I am sure as hell not going to let it consume me and I will choose me. Please get help. Please focus on you. Please learn your worth. You deserve to love you. Xx

 

[BailHope]

Also, it helps to make an addict really feel what he is doing, what kind of damage he is causing. Moving him into the spare bedroom has just given him more time, without actually losing much. Try and take it all away from him. Threaten with a divorce, and make him move out, or move out yourself. Make him see what he is really risking to lose.

Give him clear insight: get better, work on yourself, and then MAYBE we can talk. But until then: get out of my life.

It is often a big emotional shock for an addict that makes them want to change. This can also be achieved with an intervention with loved ones, if there are any that are aware of this problem.

 

[Gracie]

What is happening to you is really the dark ugly side of an addict.  He will tell you whatever he can to make you feel that it is your fault.  This is so he can stop feeling guilty and justify the use.  I know because my husband tried to make me feel like it was my fault too.  I set rules that made a routine for me and him.  I relied on that routine.  If you want to know more, you can read my other posts.  I too wanted to kill myself.  I couldn't go to work.  I couldn't function very well.  I did go to the doctor and get antidepressant.  It helped so much!  I was able to work on this a little at a time without being overwhelmed.  It helped to stop the nightmares.  We are three and a half years in.  I can tell you that you can work through this.  He will need to want to work on the marriage.  I would tell my husband that I did not like being with him.  But I always loved him.  I told him I needed him there with me.  We have been married a long time and I am not one to threaten a divorce.  I could not threaten that because I did not want to get backed into a corner.  Threats do not work with an addict no matter what the addiction is.  If you want, you can pm me and we can talk more.

Peace.

 

[unlovedwife]

Thankyou for your responses. I am starting to feel like maybe I can cope. I still love my husband, but have signed paperwork for the divorce. As we have no joint assets it should be fairly simple according o a family friend who is also a divorce lawyer. It is intensely liberating that I can now say that I don't have to worry about his porn use.

He never admitted his addiction, after I got him in to a specialist in mens' psych (a PA research psych who consults as a sideline), he never bothered to go. He never read YBOP, after I installed the link as a bookmark on his computer. He never visited here, spent all his time trying to find ways around the porn filters. (Apparently a leading social networking site provides links to adult material) My soon to be ex husband has never sought help, never wanted to stop. I feel like I was a cover for the entirety of my marriage.

As much as I love him, he does not want to change and doesn't care enough about me to even become emotional. When I told him he had to move into he spare room as he's not a husband any more, he simply grabbed his pillows and moved, no discussion, no tears, no reaction other than resignation. I think I lost him to porn a long time ago and kept fighting after it became a useless battle.

I am sick of the damage it is causing me. It will still hurt, I still miss cuddling him at night, but I will never miss the way each porn binge made me feel when I found out. I will get stronger, heal and eventually be ready for someone else who is going to treat me better.

 

[SickOfIt]

Hi there,

Long time ago I got a really good advice from a person that had struggle from porn addiction.  She said that when she found out that her husband watched porn she left him for a month.  She got a hotel room for a month and stayed there. She said she wasn't planning to leave him but just to give herself time to think and calm down. I am not a person who is ok with divorce because i believe that people can talk about  anything and come to agreements/solution etc etc  but  sometimes a man need a shock to show him what will happen if he won't stop. I truly belive that separation is completely ok to show a spouse what they doing is wrong. Trust me, the day you leave, he will lose his shit and won't  know what to do with himself. He will be calling you asking where you at every 5 minutes. I wish I got this advice earlier because my husband had his phone smashed on the wall and flush down the toilet
If comes to suicidal thoughts, honey, no matter where you at now taking your own life shouldn't be an answer.  You are hurting now and best for you would be stay with your mom or sister or friend. It is perfectly fine for you to leave him. Men are stupid like that but once he realize that you won't play his stupid game he will want you back! When my husband watched porn I promised myself no matter what happened between me and him I will be fine. I suffer from horrible panic attacks and they started around that time when I discovered he lied to me again.  I would suggested you to go to marriage counselor by yourself and just start to talk about it. You will feel better,.I promise. Plus we are here if you need vent. We know your pain. All those spouse here been there too. Just message one of us and we will try to help you