I'm starting a new journal. Although I'm still trying to break the P addiction I feel that I am much different now than when I first came here and started my previous journal. I have learned much more about myself and the addiction and my whole attitude and outlook has changed because of it.
I showed up here full of despair and fear and without any confidence or feelings of self-worth. Now I know that P is something I will leave behind, that I'm not as sick as the material I view while using, and that I have as much right to be happy and healthy as anyone.
I still get depressed and ashamed when I feel like i'm living a double life, and scared when i wonder what people would think if they found out. But i know that when i get enough space between myself and P, with the addiction farther behind in the rearview mirror, i will gain a different perspective on it. And be more comfortable in my own skin.
Lately i have been relapsing once a week. But during the days i'm clean it's no struggle. I have no desire to use P most days. But when the compulsion happens i have been mostly powerless against it. Then i use, then afterwards i feel no desire to use for another week or so.
I know one of main triggers and try to prepare myself when i know i will encounter it. There are also some other internal and external cues going on that i don't have completely figured out. I know i use P as an escape when tired and/or overwhelmed. I also use it as a reward for working hard and trying to keep up with the demands of work and home. I believe another trigger for me is not having time set aside for myself. I think without time for me and my recovery i quickly become tired and seek P for escape and reward.
I further complicate the matter by hiding all of this from my wife. I believe it would be easier on me if she knew but i'm not sure it's fair for me to add that burden to her for my benefit.
I also have been neglecting my stepwork, another side effect of no time for my recovery. This is going to have to change to move on.
I hope you all have a good clean day today. Thanks for being here.
I showed up here full of despair and fear and without any confidence or feelings of self-worth. Now I know that P is something I will leave behind, that I'm not as sick as the material I view while using, and that I have as much right to be happy and healthy as anyone.
I still get depressed and ashamed when I feel like i'm living a double life, and scared when i wonder what people would think if they found out. But i know that when i get enough space between myself and P, with the addiction farther behind in the rearview mirror, i will gain a different perspective on it. And be more comfortable in my own skin.
Lately i have been relapsing once a week. But during the days i'm clean it's no struggle. I have no desire to use P most days. But when the compulsion happens i have been mostly powerless against it. Then i use, then afterwards i feel no desire to use for another week or so.
I know one of main triggers and try to prepare myself when i know i will encounter it. There are also some other internal and external cues going on that i don't have completely figured out. I know i use P as an escape when tired and/or overwhelmed. I also use it as a reward for working hard and trying to keep up with the demands of work and home. I believe another trigger for me is not having time set aside for myself. I think without time for me and my recovery i quickly become tired and seek P for escape and reward.
I further complicate the matter by hiding all of this from my wife. I believe it would be easier on me if she knew but i'm not sure it's fair for me to add that burden to her for my benefit.
I also have been neglecting my stepwork, another side effect of no time for my recovery. This is going to have to change to move on.
I hope you all have a good clean day today. Thanks for being here.
