My reboot journal

[mccrayj]

Hello.

I've been reading all of your stories here on Reboot nation and read so much on YBP and its helped me alot. Recently I read somewhere here that getting a Pblocker called k9 web protection is very good. I installed it, created a temp. email address to set it up and a password I no longer remember. As  I progress through my reboot, I'll force myself to deal with the withdrawls and NOT GIVE in. I know that every time I don't relapse I get little bit stronger and my willpower goes up.

Little background on me:

I'm twenty seven years old, still a virgin though been with a woman, just never got to the point of sex because we felt weren't ready yet. I started viewing internet porn when I was ~15, during Highschool. It didnt escalate or become too serious until I moved out on my own. It seemed that when you live with someone, theres a level of accountability and shame and you have less of it when you live by yourself.

For the last 8 years I've been going up and down like a rollercoaster. I would have periods of months in a year of no PMO then a trigger will cause me to relapse.

I think it got worse when I lost my job last year. I'm employed now, thank God, but during my unemployment, PMO was harder to resist

Also, when I relapsing, I would buy 1-2 subs to Psites, then cancel it like a day after I buy it. I've done this repeatedly. I think i probably spent 200 dollars on P last year.
I not only want to reduce that to 0 this year but give my Brain rest and fully reboot, and STAY the hell away from P.

But this will be my online journal.

1st goal is a week.
Then 2 weeks
then 1 month...

 

[mccrayj]

Day 2
Idleness is my biggest trigger to P it seems. I should create a list of things to do when i feel idle.

 

[mccrayj]

Contd Day 2:

Today was not a good day and not a good start to my reboot lol. I PMO'd twice today.

After the first one I said to myself, lets go outside and do something.

So I went on a bike ride around town, did a few errands after that, picked up my dad's birthday present then had lunch. Then when I came back home, late afternoon, I immediately was tempted and relapsed again.

I rarely PMO twice in a day and once in a blue moon, three times.

I did have a beer with my lunch.

I'm starting to notice that alcohol is making it easier to PMO. Its like it weakens my already weak self control defense system.

Maybe I should take a break from any alcohol during this reboot. I'm not a heavy drinker. I drink about 2-3 beers per week on average.

 

[mccrayj]

Well I failed again.

Gotta try one more time.

So many triggers at the place where I at work, makes it harder to keep doing this. But using K9 web protection and how i set it up has limited me from accessing Porn sites on my computer/ipad/iphone. I realized Torrents were not blocked completely which is the easiest way to download porn.
I had to send a request to K9 to reset my email which I deleted. You have to wait a week before they send to your new email.

When blocking porn using K9 web protection its VERY IMPORTANT to block every possible torrent site.

I'm not giving up. I know I can go a month with out PMO. I' usually start getting wet dreams about a month of no masturabation. I'd rather have those then fix my mind on this crap.

 

[MattyB]

Just keep working at it buddy. When the thought comes into your mind that you want to PMO, bring up the other thought that you dont want to, of what you're working towards and WHY. Make it the stronger thought of the two. If you can get past the initial temptation, you're good. I've noticed too when I'm idle, especially at home, I want to give in, but like I said when that thought comes I immedietly pull up the other thought, make it stronger, and go with that.

Definitely try to have some hobbies that will take your mind off it. Especially hobbies outside of your home that will get you away from your computer and the internet.

Best of luck to you man, and stay strong!

 

[mccrayj]

Thanks. The counter-thought strategy works perfectly.

Thought Power is probably the most powerful things in existence. You just have to utilize it.

I used it last night. I got off work late ( I work swing) came home and got ready for bed.
While I was brushing my teeth, I started thinking how healthy my lifestyle has become since I started eating better, riding my bike more (not just for going to and from work), taking my vitamins daily. I was thinking thoughts of healthy versus unhealthy habits. PMO is a unhealthy habit like eating fast food. It takes good for the moment but it has no nutrients that your body needs. Afterward I went to bed, barraged my mind of counter-thoughts like playing my cello in front of people I knew and didnt know. I kept thinking to my self that in a year of practicing my cello daily I'll relearn lot of the stuff I knew years ago and become an expert at playing. (now im at Beginner status even though I've been a cellist for 15yrs. Its hard to forget how to play an instrument once you learn how to play it but your skill wanes if you dont keep practicing.

Biking and Cello each day before I go to work and reducing Computer time usage.

Biking and playing my cello increases dopamine. My goal this summer is to make that the New Habit which creates the new neural pathways in my brain to replace the old habit of PMO. I will keep at this duo-habit of riding my bike in the morning first then playing my cello RIGHT when i get back from the ride.

Sooner or later the old habit pathways will lessen and lessen.

 

[mccrayj]

I reset my PMO counter because I PMO'd this morning...

When I woke up this morning I just forgot about the counter-thought I did last night.

I'm doing to do what Joel osteen suggested in his book "I Declare"

Every morning, the moment I wake up I'm going to say audibly to my self: " I declare I will ride my bike, the moment I become alone and feeling idle and then go play my cello."

 

[jnv]

That's the spirit man. I do the same with crunches, I do some series when I feel the urge come.
Good luck!

 

[mccrayj]

So been having relapses as expected but not giving up.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535


The author of this thread recommended something that i think is going to help me alot
If you have a spreadsheet program like Microsoft Excel, you can keep a good log of your porn use month to month.

My goal is to have less than 4 relapses this month and at the end of July, check my progress and if im doing better lower it by 1.

 

[mccrayj]

Would you consider viewing porn briefly but not PMOing breaking the counter?

I started masturbating then stopped myself and didnt orgasm.
I quickly stopped quit browser and reset Chrome internet cache. (those of who who have Google Chrome would know if you dont reset internet history after a relapse, it shows the most recent history of pages you visited WITH IMAGES on the New Tab page.)

 

[fnatk]

Hey mccrayj, I would say both yes and no to it breaking the counter.

You didn't orgasm from your masturbation but you were watching porn, did it give you a rush of excitement? Did it feel like it gave you something you had been craving despite not orgasming? Its a relapse of sorts at least but not a full blown one, only you however can say how you really feel about resetting the counter. Was it a minor relapse that you feel like in the end you got control over yourself and stopped? Then don't reset the counter, you're still working on beating this addiction and one small mistake is bound to happen here and there.

If however you feel guilty about it, that you're "cheating" yourself by not resetting the counter, then by all means, reset it! The counter is just a tool for your progress, its not something to obsess over! The journey is as important as the end destination, hopefully you learned something from the experience, what triggered it, how to avoid it in the future etc