Reboot Journal

Aussie_Rebooter

Aussie_Rebooter

Member
Starting a journal because I feel like I need an outlet to write my struggles and progress during my reboot.

I've known about Porn Addiction since late 2012 - longest streak was 94 days.Since then I've struggled to even make it a few weeks.Currently on my second longest streak and this will be my final reboot.

What I'm really struggling with now is the withdrawals - it's hitting me really hard.Depression,Anxiety,lack of motivation "everything seems boring and pointless",endless boredom,fatigue.Ive suffered from all of these symptoms for years but when I stop - everything gets worse.What this does is bring up doubts in my mind that Porn isn't the problem - that maybe I'm just fucked up beyond repair and I'll never get better.

Even though I know deep down that's not true - it's very hard to see a way out when you've been trapped in hell for so many years.

The last week has been extremely draining - I've developed really bad insomnia - which compounds everything and pisses me off! After going through the day I can't sleep at night and my mind starts racing.

My use over the last few years got really bad - most days were spent edging,3,4 - 10+ hour sessions.Porn was the only thing I cared about in life,the only thing that gave me any false sense of happiness.

Something awesome has happened though,a month ago my X gf from a decade ago contacted me and we've been talking a lot - I've fallen in love with her again,and she feels the same way.I admitted my addiction to her,showed her YBOP,gabes vids etc and tried to explain my situation as best I could.Her understanding and support has been really overwhelming and humbling and basically...it's the reason I've been able to stay clean for nearly a month.

What I have to do now is be very strict on myself,exercise,meditation,looking for a job,forcing myself to go and hang out with my mates,reading,eating healthy - I have to adapt all of these things within the next few weeks or I can really see myself fucking up.

I see this - rebooting,getting back with my GF - as a second chance at life so I'm going for it.

But this shit sucks,there's no getting around it.I feel like a space cadet zombie with no life in me at all.My dick is shriveled up,cold and changes color - rebooting for an addict is the worst hell I've ever experienced and I'm never going to have to deal with it again.I just have to be smart about this shit and have the faith that it'll all work out if I put the effort in.

I do have ED,but not severely.Due to my crazy usage (half day edging sessions,escalation to diff genres) I can only put this down to one thing - past sexual experience.Which I've had a lot of.My erections during sex are far from healthy though - but I guess I reached a point where I didn't care - because I figured I was so broken that I wouldn't be able to get a GF anyway,so who cares if my dick doesn't work?

I had some tests done a few weeks ago - full STD screen (I've slept with pro's but have been single for a decade) a full blood count,thyroid - I got the all clear.

My advice to anyone reading this would be to stop using the shit.It really is a wicked wicked addiction and it will take everything from you - just like hard drugs it destroys lives - and the deeper you go,the more fucked up your life gets.Theres no end to it,the hole just gets deeper.

I'll leave it at that for my first post.Its nearly 8 in the morning and I still haven't slept.Ill be posting regularly and contributing to the forum - I really need a place where I can connect with others going through similar shit.

Aussie.

 
T

TheNewMe

Guest
Hi Aussie!

Welcome to the forum! We are a band of brothers who may be broken but have a lot of experience, advice and encouragement  :) let us know if we can help in any way.
 
Aussie_Rebooter

Aussie_Rebooter

Member
Thanks @ TheNewMe! Appreciate the support mate :)

So a little more background,

I'm 30.

Like most other guys when I was younger I had no social issues,had no problems making friends and getting GF's.I lost my virginity at age 13.Everything started going downhill at around age 19,when I broke up with my only serious long term GF (4 year relationship).Id been using porn sporadically since my early teens but I don't think it effected me much - I wasn't using it as an escape,I didn't get anxiety or depressed.

I'd say at around age 25 I really lost all zest for life,was diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder and tried several meds - none worked for me.Basically the shrinks said "we don't know what's wrong with you,just go out and do stuff".I thought I was fucked up beyond the point of ever being able to live a normal life.I started getting suicidal thoughts,but never considered acting on them.I actually read an interesting article online about 'dopamine depression VS serotonin depression' - the people with dopamine related depression were described as having suicidal thoughts but being to lazy to act on them...that's pretty much exactly how I felt - can't be bothered with anything,don't see the point in ANYTHING.

So being around other people,friends,family,women - just does nothing for me at all.Combine the lack of motivation with anxiety and I've become a complete shut in.

This is going to be a very long road to recovery for me but I'm willing to put the work in,it's sink or swim now.Plus now I have an amazing woman supporting me,which makes me feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

Doing cardio tonight,going to really push myself hard and sweat out some frustration.

Aussie.
 
Aussie_Rebooter

Aussie_Rebooter

Member
Having a really hard time today,3am can't sleep.

What's getting to me is this:

I feel like a broken man.I have the most amazing beautiful woman who likes me for me,yet I can't even be with her sexually or emotionally because I've fucked my brain up.I know deep down addiction is what my problem is - and rebooting is the solution,yet I find myself constantly in doubt:

"Maybe it's not porn,maybe I'm just an anxious,fatigued depressed anti-social loser and I'll never be able to function properly again,I'll lose my love because she'll see how broken I really am and I'll die a lonely old man"

That's what I'm dealing with.

I haven't relapsed,But I fucked up.Sexted with my girl and it got really heated.I want to have sex with her,but I can't.Its not ED - even though I know my erections arnt "well".Its the reality of how severe my addiction really is,it's destroyed my fucking life.I NEED to go at least if not more than 3 months no orgasm - my body and brain needs a break.Its so frustrating because I need to be with her,I really love her.The sexting really got to me,kept pre cumming in my pants - I didn't touch myself,but I think it's snapped me out of a flatline.At least it wasn't porn - she's a real person and I will be having a sexual relationship with her - I explained it to her and she's supportive.It hurts me twofold though because she doesn't deserve this - she deserves to be with someone who can give her what she needs sexually and emotionally and it makes me feel like a fucking weirdo loser.

But,this is all a part of this demon.The doubts the depression - and I will never let it beat me.

I'm going to fucking crush it and live the life I want to live.

Aussie.

PS fuck porn.
 
M

Maverick1985

New Member
Hey Aussie,

Just wanted to reach out with some support and say I am right here with you brother.  I am only on day three of my reboot, so you are doing amazing!

I've had many of the same thoughts as you over the last many years, and I am also finally done with porn for good.  Fucking porn.

I wanted to ask, in your struggles, have you done much reading on the concept of mindfulness?  I've found it to be incredibly helpful for me in dealing with urges, and also with bouts of anxiety or mild depression I sometimes have.  I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it definitely worked for me, so thought I'd throw it out there!  Be happy to share more about it if you are interested!

Maverick Out!
 
W

workingonit

Active Member
Hi Aussie

That not wanting to be around other people sounds a little like depression but there other possibilities.  I have started looking at when I was like that and upon reflection, it was more I did not know/want to be around them.  I certainly could not take to them and boy did I have shit going round in my head.  It has been a bit of a long term thing though as I still need to deal with it but cannot tell them, it is not as acceptable as getting over other addictions. The animal element involved.  But back to what I was saying, I did not know how to act so avoided them (maybe a little unconsciously).  What the hell would I say, behind the screen was a fucking volcanoquaknami of (you know the rest).

It is a complete life change.  I do not see it on the top ten most stressful things list.  What is there?  Moving, new job, new relationship.  Not our struggle.

Have a goal. Can you swim? How far? Double it.  Or learn.  Take up something and start working towards it.  Study, college, Uni, to drive (ha ha) - but you get the point - get a point!!!!!!

You are far from broken as you are aware of the problem and on here.  If you girlfriend is supportive let her know that she will have to be ready for you to be really crazy minded at time.  It happens.  And sometimes just hold her.  That can be giving her more than you realise. 

I also have the late nighters when I can't sleep.  You know what I used to do to get me to sleep?  Now I will do anything else but.  I learnt how to make bread one night and then made a soup to go with it.  Make her a cake!!!!! This shit can be humorous as well.

I could teach you make a loaf on here. 

I am off to read.  Later, Aussie!
 
W

workingonit

Active Member
Below I would like to make a correction....

I have started looking at when I was like that and upon reflection, it was more I did not know how/want to be around them.  I certainly could not talk to them and boy did I have shit going round in my head.

(Should read better!)
 
Aussie_Rebooter

Aussie_Rebooter

Member
Thanks for the support guys!

@ Maverick:

I've read mindfulness in plain English,and read other stuff on meditation - I've only tried it a few times though.Its something I need to start doing daily,just 10-15 mins at first.The problem I have is extreme laziness/lack of motivation - I really have to start forcing healthy habits on myself.

Thanks dude!

Update:

The last few days fatigue has been really hitting me hard,I pretty much don't even have the energy to get out of bed - I've been in a constant "Durrrr" state,and it sucks.Another thing I've been experiencing is stomach problems.Its like a nausea feeling,a dull ache and just queezy.I had blood and urine tests a few weeks ago so I'm positive that what I'm experiencing is probably withdrawals.

I've quit a few addictions in the past,weed,cigarettes,Valium,withdrawals from anti depressants.

This is by far the hardest,this shit is hardcore.Day in,day out - nightmare shit.

All I can do,is keep on going - this time next year I'll be killing it.

Stay strong guys!
 
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