Wolfman
Active Member
Hello,
I came to discover that my ED was porn-related I got into something like a relationship with a girl. It seemed to be what made sense. I had ED before during encounters with women, but since these were sporadic, one-night offs, I blamed it on performance anxiety.
When I find myself with women, I have absolutely no appetite for porn. I have been using it (PMO-ing) as just something I would do when I was on my own over the years, but I didn't realize that it would have such a devastating effect on my body. I felt as if my manhood, or even humanity, had been ripped up out beneath me - it didn't feel real; but the humiliation was real. This was about 7-8 months ago.
Me and that girl split up in June, not because of my problems, but because we were headed in different directions in the world. With the absence of a real human and female presence it became harder and harder to hold out PMO'ing. I tried to keep up on the reboot literature, but no matter how much I learned about the mechanical effects this had on my body, my mind found ways to crack open my discipline and towards the end of summer I PMO'ed several times. What were a few images turned to shorter videos, and these in turn became more and more frequent. I couldn't hold out for longer than a week and this has been going on for the last three months now. Now it's intensifying even more and I decided I would start posting here - maybe that could provoke something in my mind.
I fully understand the way this stuff messes me up, and yet I have so little to combat the urge with when it comes. My will just vanishes and my head makes up all these excuses. I don't know, its like all the knowledge I've come across just doesn't speak to the unconscious me or even the conscious me when the urge hits. Something that "speaks" to me when the urge hits me, on its own terms, as it were, but without giving into it - something that can explain or deal with the experience itself.
Anyway, here I go, try to abstain again.
PS: I am 26, and I had been using porn quite steadily since my mid-teens.
I came to discover that my ED was porn-related I got into something like a relationship with a girl. It seemed to be what made sense. I had ED before during encounters with women, but since these were sporadic, one-night offs, I blamed it on performance anxiety.
When I find myself with women, I have absolutely no appetite for porn. I have been using it (PMO-ing) as just something I would do when I was on my own over the years, but I didn't realize that it would have such a devastating effect on my body. I felt as if my manhood, or even humanity, had been ripped up out beneath me - it didn't feel real; but the humiliation was real. This was about 7-8 months ago.
Me and that girl split up in June, not because of my problems, but because we were headed in different directions in the world. With the absence of a real human and female presence it became harder and harder to hold out PMO'ing. I tried to keep up on the reboot literature, but no matter how much I learned about the mechanical effects this had on my body, my mind found ways to crack open my discipline and towards the end of summer I PMO'ed several times. What were a few images turned to shorter videos, and these in turn became more and more frequent. I couldn't hold out for longer than a week and this has been going on for the last three months now. Now it's intensifying even more and I decided I would start posting here - maybe that could provoke something in my mind.
I fully understand the way this stuff messes me up, and yet I have so little to combat the urge with when it comes. My will just vanishes and my head makes up all these excuses. I don't know, its like all the knowledge I've come across just doesn't speak to the unconscious me or even the conscious me when the urge hits. Something that "speaks" to me when the urge hits me, on its own terms, as it were, but without giving into it - something that can explain or deal with the experience itself.
Anyway, here I go, try to abstain again.
PS: I am 26, and I had been using porn quite steadily since my mid-teens.