My story so far...

[jjhan12]

Hello folks,

I have read this forum about half year and not yet posting anything. So now I decided to write about my situation.

I?m 30 years old man, married and have couple kids.
I started MO when it was 13 and PMO at age of 14. In age of 16 it was doing PMO daily.
From age of 16 till recent year 2015 i have not thought that PMO is problem for me, i thought that i just had strong libido and because sex with my wife has been about once a month for years.
I have suffered ED about two years now and i have always blamed condom, being tired, or alcohol to be the cause. I still could get "semi-hard" on porn.

This ED thing got me worried. I could not perform with my wife, but i could PMO, so i start googling it and found site yourbrainonporn.com. After reading it and watching some of the videos i realized what the cause is.

After more reading and watching those videos, i realized more about me and my past life why it has been like it was.
My whole life has been about sex, wanting sex, chasing sex, thinking sex, watching sex videos and doing sex when i could get it. I have manipulated, used and played games on others just to get sex.
Because "only sex can satisfy me and my needs, only sex can make me happy". I have lived and devoted my whole life just for sex. In past relationships my only worry related to breakup was to not get sex anymore!!! And if i could not get sex i did PMO. And if i could get sex i did PMO anyway.

After realizing all this i felt really, really bad and sick.

I talked this situation with my wife and i said that I?m sorry about my past behavior and blaming her for of my own issues.
I also said that I?m sorry because i cannot control my urges and made her feel bad about herself not being interested about sex as much that i was.
...And I?m sorry that i have valuated our love and relationship in counting how many times we have had sex.

My first attempt to no MO or no PMO lasted 105 days and ended on binge of one my favorite fetish porn. I was doing PMO again twice per day for four days until i managed to cut off.

After relapse i figured that i had done it all wrong. I had just abstained from MO and PMO, but still continue to fantasying about sex with my wife and putting her on porn scenes in those fantasies.
I had only focused to cure my PIED and just waiting to have sex again to test hardness of my dick with my wife. And not to get my urges under control like it should.

I have been MO and PMO free about 4 weeks again. Withdrawal symptoms are much stronger than first time. I feel anxious, no joy, tired, deeply depressed, feeling to cry and suicidal.

But here i am, hanging by thought that my only way to succeed is to let go of sex. Let everything go that is related to sex. Until i'm back to normal.
Sex should not be mandatory to my existence, it should be something that i and my wife share to express our love and bond.

Thanks for reading
Johan

 

[jjhan12]

Today is 27 day without MO or PMO.

I have strong urges along with depression and i can't focus on anything.
What is weird that when i have these urges i do not get erection at all. So is it artificial feeling?
It's difficult when being with my wife. Just seeing her walk here at home sets my urges high and makes me fantasize about sex with her, but i do not get any erection either even from that fantasy.

 

[ulaozin]

Hi jjhan12,

Those urges are a perfectly normal reaction and in the beginning they seem indescribably strong. Keep fighting and keep journaling. Also If you have ED symptoms, it's normal to the urges to come in without making you hard. When I started I had ED two. The ED is not related with the withdrawal symptoms or the cravings, it's related to the desensitization in your brain. Your brain needs a massive porn stimulus to get the amount of dopamine necessary to make you hard or even half-hard. It will rewire, but it takes some time.

 

[jjhan12]

Well great, i did not know that is normal have strong cravings and no erection.

I remember from my first try (which lasted 105 days) that first 9 weeks was really depressing. But after that there was one week which i was literally flowing in the air and feeling really great. During that time i could not focus on my work and i was instead sending hot text messages to my wife  . I think that she liked that but was little confused what has happened to me. After 12 weeks no MO or PMO we went to little vacation and had great sex. I had little ED first but second night was really mind blowing. When we came back it took one month when we had sex again. This time we drank alcohol a lot and i could not perform and then i tried to do things that i was familiar from porn films. I did work that time, but after that everything went really bad for me. I could not hold of my urges no more and relapsed and binged 

I now feel that i'm back to square one, but maybe after january i'll flow in the air again.

 

[jjhan12]

It's now 31 days without PMO or MO.

I have feeling that something is wrong in my life. I don't know what it could be but this feeling makes me unhappy. I have trouble sleeping and i feel tired all day long.
Since i have quit PMO or MO im only waiting to get sex. I can only think that am i gonna get it today?? and if im not getting it i feel frustrated and axiouos and this pattern repeats every day. I just wake up in the morning and think "am i gonna get it today??" which ends to being disappointed at end of day.
This is really stressing me. I think that i need to have something else to think about.
I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow!

 

[jjhan12]

Day 35

I have identified triggers that gets my urges high. Worst is sleeping next to my wife. I feel urges but i can't get erection, and whole situation feels articifial, not real. My heart rate gets really high, hands are cold and i breath fast, like having a panic attack mixed with strong urge.

There are positive changes. I smile and look at her eyes more. Same thing happens with all women i'm with. This all feels great, and i think that women notify me more than before. but i hope that i'm not sending them (other than my wife) wrong signals 

I still feel fear and anxious most of the day. Hope it passes.

 

[jjhan12]

Well here i am again.
From december 2015 to current date i have
- Relapsed 6 times
+ Now 30 days without porn, two times failed attempt to have sex with my wife (ED)
+ Started to excercise and gained muscle mass
+ grow beard, its hot
+ i feel confident
+ i want to improve myself at work
+ im more focused

I think that i still have really bad PIED. I feel urges but i don't have desire to look porn. Its hard when looking at my wife triggers my urges but i feel nothing in down there.

This addiction is reallys serious s**t.

 

[jjhan12]

60 days without PMO.
Been in flatline for 4 weeks now and its's not going to end soon.
I feel like I'm asexual but i don't care.

 

[jjhan12]

87 days without PMO and no sex in 64 days.
Hypersexuality have gone away
Anxiety is gone away
I feel more stable and confident
Speaking about sex or joking about sex does not trigger urges
No urges at all
I look better in mirror and i like myself
There are some things that gives me dopamine rush, fantasizing in example but i can stop it when this happens and calm myself.
Flatline has gone away, but no need to have sex, im just enjoying the moment

 

[jjhan12]

93 days no PMO,MO and 70 days without sex.

I drank beer and shots last weekend. I was drunk two days row.
Now i'm tired and depressed. I wan't to PMO or have sex so badly that it makes me angry and irritated. I feel that i will literally die if i canno't get some.
These are so obvious withdrawal symptoms that it makes me laugh. I feel like shit and laugh about it.

 

[jjhan12]

I'm full of hate and bitterness towards my wife.
I don't know if my relationship is good or is it worst thing ever happened to me.
Part of me just wants to break loose and leave. Other part wants to stay and see. I feel that there are empty void inside me and i have no peace. Nothing is going to change, i will be miserable forever.
Maybe i'm just tired.

 

[jjhan12]

Ok, i'm fine now, depression has lifted. Maybe it was all about alcohol and hangover. Strong feelings anyway...

 

[jjhan12]

I still have issue that i think sex too much and i try to organize my whole life in way that i could get sex more. This gets me in trouble and left me dissatisfied to my life. It's also so obvious that my wife can see trought me.

I think that i have been overloading my brain with porn that i can't find enjoyment from anywhere else. Going to gym is exception to this but when im at home i can't get anything done...

 

[jjhan12]

Okay, we had sex and now two days after i have a chaser, i started to crank and behave childishly saying that my sexual desires dos not meet with hers and i lost all my manliness being such a whimp. My wife said that she can't figure what to think about me, there are times that she feels secure and loved and then there are times that she feels so angry about me. I apologised afterwards and we made a agreement that less talking about problems and more action and positive thinking.
I went to gym to lift weights and it helped to handle chaser.

 

[jjhan12]

Ok, it has been over 110 days without PMO. I'm going to stop counting now.
Everything is good in except that i have dead bedroom.

 

[laalee]

I just read your post and can relate on so many levels. 
I am a gay male single for 6 years so no chance of being with a partner for sexual needs met, dating no good either.  I feel like you, all my life i have made it around my sex life sex sex porn porn sex you know what i mean.  I am 80 days no pmo and i feel worthless anxiety depression, i want to be intimate but it is not happening.  I wish i could just close my mind to any form of sex but i m a sexual being, this is crap i hate it i do not know what is good for me sexually.

 

[jjhan12]

Thank you for posting to my journal. I just finished reading it all over again.

And yes I know what you mean . I hate most of all feeling urges or needy and it also pisses me off, but now i can handle it by just doing nothing and letting it pass.
For me it was tough to figure out is urges or being needy something that I am or are they just symptoms of addiction and now i know that they are/were driven by addiction.
Is "wanting to be intimate with someone" really a "I need a FIX" ? For me it was. Same goes with that "im a sexual being " translates to "I need a FIX", both of those comes from one being needy.
What helped my anxiety and depression was to do things that I enjoy, workout (heavy lifting), read books, go out, dress better, get a haircut, show that you care about yourself and appreciate yourself.

 

[aquarius25]

I just read your journal and wanted to say as a wife of a PA to hang in there. You are doing a great job and don't beat yourself up too much. I would encourage you to keep talking with your wife and try to understand how she is feeling. That is where women experience intimacy. Usually when they feel supported emotionally they are more comfortable to be physical. I wish you and your marriage the very best!

 

[jjhan12]

Thanks aquarius25, I'm now in much better place than I was when I started this journal in last december.
I now know that I used porn to medicate myself in being relationship that did not meet my standards. Quitting PMO/MO opened my eyes and allowed me to see whole truth and face it.
My wife has her own issues with being physical and that is why, and all I can reveal is that she had horrible relationship with an abusive guy in her teen years. She have now first time over contacted professional help to deal it. But that explains lot why our relationship was 'not so physical' after all..
But there is love and trust, we have family and long history together so i think that things will get better in future.

 

[jjhan12]

Something has happened !!. Looking at my wife and sleeping next to her is not a trigger for me anymore. And i don't ogle her( or other women) anymore. Relationship feels more natural and satisfying. Wow.