To err is human

[doggybalfour]

Thanks Arahant I appreciate your kind words. Congrats on being on a new path. Two days is just the beginning of a lifetime of freedom!  I wish that for all of us. Yeah I am trying to keep everything in perspective. Not using porn is essential for me to become the kind of person I want to be. If I find love after that would certainly be amazing but quitting is the most important thing. We are all strong enough but today taught me that the urges in all of us are hard to fight without constant vigilance. Stay strong my friend!

 

[arahant]

I'm sure we can make it! 

 

[doggybalfour]

Day 51 - Still porn free and very happy about it.  The MO of a few days ago was a one-off.  I've not MO'ed since.  Had mild cravings to MO again the day of, but woke up the next morning with raging wood and no desire to MO so I am thankful for that.  Not much of a chaser effect to be honest.  Morning wood is pretty much happening daily now and it seems to be getting stronger.  However I still think I will need much more time to heal all the damage and trauma that death-grip did to me for years.  Hopefully the damage can be reversed.  I've started unfollowing certain people on Facebook who are triggers for me.  Sometimes it just takes one picture in my newsfeed to make my mind wander.  And before that wandering turns into a craving for PMO, I'm just not going to subject myself to it.  I am trying hard to stay one step ahead of urges and temptations.  That being said I don't exactly have a high sex drive these days.  Mild fantasy when seeing guys at the gym or something, but nothing I can't handle at the moment.  I have an important audition next week so I am trying to just stay focused on getting ready for that.  Hope everyone is recovering well today!

 

[arahant]

Hello my friend,
I'm  very happy to hear you're doing so well!
Facebook can really be a huge trigger, I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can.
For your audition: break a leg!
Cheers.

 

[Supercomeback]

From what I can read in forums and from my own experience, death grip cures a lot quicker than PMO addiction, and can be cured entirely by stopping or decreasing MO in a few weeks.  Maybe others can attest to this?

 

[arahant]

Yes, I think you're right, Supercomeback.
Death grip shoud be gone in maybe one or two weeks without masturbating at all.
PMO addicition takes a way longer time to "cure"!

 

[doggybalfour]

Yeah maybe it's different for everyone I guess. Maybe my case is a little more extreme due to being a few years older than you guys. But I would say it doesn't feel completely recovered yet. I feel weird sensations and feelings down there that don't feel normal. So who knows.  I know that I'll need much more time for my brain to heal. 51 days isn't much in relation to the years I was using. But I must persevere as should all of us. Stay strong everyone!

 

[arahant]

Yes balfour, we always have to remember all they years we tortured ourselves with PMO and put the reboot time in perspective.
I think I will need more than one year clean to fully reboot my brain, and even that would be a very short amount of time compared to the almost 20 years of PMO...

 

[doggybalfour]

Day 53 - I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster the past couple of days.  I woke up yesterday in a funk inexplicably.  Some stress at work made it worse.  Drank a little more than I wanted to last night.  The hangover didn't really help matters today.  I did go the gym though so that helped.  I've been visiting some dating apps the past couple of days also. There are shirtless guys (for which I sigh a thousand eye-rolling sighs) but they honestly don't trigger me to PMO.  I've just been feeling this need to really connect with someone.  I don't need a relationship, but I honestly would like to find some intimacy and love.  I may not be 100% ready to do that at this early stage of recovery but I do feel that urge.  I obviously will be having sex with this person so it's not wrong to feel attracted to guys I see on those apps.  But I am keeping my guard up.  If I feel like I'm scrolling through profiles just to see pictures (which I sort of felt like I was doing at one point today) then I shut it down.  It's murky territory - I just don't know how else to meet people anymore.  I don't really go bar hopping like the old days, most of my friends are in a relationship or married.  I haven't met anyone at work so far.  Plus there aren't as many gay guys out there.  I have to find a healthy way to interact with those apps and I am making my peace with that.  I'm not rebooting to stay alone forever.  But I digress.  I still have zero desire to look at porn.  As always my guard is up, but I feel like I've turned a crucial page in my life story.  Every day I wake up clean, it makes PMO seem foreign and distant.  I want that to continue.  Its clutch is getting weaker.  I feel my freer, more whole self slowly making a show.  I am mentally down, but my desire to succeed persists.

 

[Supercomeback]

You're doing great Balfour.

You woke up hung over, stressed, and did not even MO. Strong!
It is good to hear that your addiction is getting more distant. I feel the same way. Staying away from porn is surprisingly easy, staying away from MO not so much.
I will be visiting my girlfriend friday-sunday. I am super excited, and part of the excitement is to see of we can build a deeper connection, which seems so much easier and attractive after quitting porn. Two months ago it would only have been about getting laid, this time getting laid is just a possible positive side effect.

Out of curiosity, are all gay dating apps/websites superficial and sex oriented?

Stay strong!

 

[doggybalfour]

That sounds really great Supercomeback!  I think you will find a much better connection with her free from PMO. a real person is the end result for all of us!  As for dating apps, most of the gay ones are primarily centered around hooking up. If you branch out to OkCupid or Match.com they are more focused on finding a relationship. But it isn't uncommon for some of those guys to show revealing pics even then. Which I am not even begrudging the practice (though I think gay men can be incredibly judgemental and ageist which I feel has a lot to do with how our society has treated them for many years. I just have to learn to weed through those pics and focus on the person. Stay strong!

 

[doggybalfour]

Day 55 - I feel my depression lifted a little, but there are remnants of it still there.  Heading to the gym in a bit which should boost my mood somewhat.  I'm at this point in my recovery where I really want to connect with someone but am pretty sure I'm not ready to.  Downloading dating apps for my phone is feeding that desire to connect, but little else.  They're not triggering me to look at porn, but all the scantily clad guys remind me that the goal of most of these apps isn't a real connection - it's sex.  Casual hookups really don't give me the satisfaction they used to.  I certainly don't judge because people approach sexuality differently gay or straight, and I used to hookup quite a bit in my twenties.  But I think I'm just looking for a life partner now, not a fling.  So we'll see.  I need to get better first, I guess.  I am still getting morning wood of varying strength (50-85%) almost every day.  I suppose more will happen as recovery progresses.  This is the longest I've gone in my life without MO.  I think it's going to take longer than 90 days but I've committed to this for the rest of my life, so however long it takes I'm in.  I hope everyone is recovering well today.

 

[Supercomeback]

Maybe hookup/dating apps aren't what you need right now. How about seeking out new arenas to meet people with similar interests? Now that PMO is history, maybe some old interests or hobbies could be worth pursuing!

 

[arahant]

Hello balfour, how are you doing today?
I think you should abandon those dating apps, as looking at many sexy images sounds a bit like methadone to me.
Even if you don't feel the need for PMO, in a way you're just looking at a different and much softer version of porn.
I say this because I used to look at an incredible amount of girls pictures on Tinder and really the feeling and excitment it gave me was not of a different type than porn.
For the connection, if you feel it's too early then just don't do it, focus on something else instead! You don't have any real friend? Why you link a connection only to a realtionship? What are friends for then?

 

[doggybalfour]

Thanks for checking in Arahant and Supercomeback. Both of you are right - I probably should not worry about the dating apps for now. I don't know, this process is taking my mind to some strange places. But I will be honest - they are not triggering me to PMO. I still haven't MO'ed since Day 48 over a week ago and haven't felt the need since. So I don't think it's a dopamine thing at least. Maybe I have slipped back into a flatline because I'm really not getting triggered much at all. Recovery is really non-linear. I hope you are all doing great today.

 

[arahant]

Yes, don't think about dating apps and don't think about dating at all.
I think you should complete your whole reboot before thinking about relationships.
I'm doing very well thanks, and how's your day going?

 

[doggybalfour]

I'm doing great thanks Arahant. I've had an extremely busy past couple of days so I am exhausted and ready for bed. Hope you are recovering well today. Thanks for the advice. For now I am going to keep a couple apps around for chat or whatever. If I feel like it's making me crave PMO I will shut them down.  So far no urges to do that. I'm not obsessing either. It's more just casual browsing. I think I've flatlined again anyway. My poor addicted brain doesn't know what to do!  But I know staying away from porn forever is the only way.

 

[Supercomeback]

How are you doing Balfour? I hope your recovery is going well!
Get enough sleep and rest, and don't let stress get to you.

 

[akpal2]

I think my brain is having a hard time accepting that I am leaving porn forever. I peeked at a few websites today. Backed out at the last minute. Still having those urges to give and watch porn. The only thing holding me back is that I don't want to end my streak.

 

[doggybalfour]

Hi there Supercomeback!  Sorry I haven't been posting much but I am still fighting the good fight. I hope you are also!  I am trying to keep the stress at bay. Work is kind of crazy this week but I hanging. How are you?

Akpal I'm sorry the urges are so strong.  It is tough. I would advise staying off the internet until it passes. Worst case, just MO. Some guys wouldn't agree but I think it's better than relapsing. You can do this!  Keep that streak going and use that energy to benefit you in other ways. Hope it lets up!

Hope everyone is well today!