321 Connect

[hans32]

Surfing the sea of Reboot nation, I am relieved there are other guys struggling with this problem to.  I have a accountability buddy already and we text our progress and issues with one another, its a really helpful.  So this is day one, 'again', ive been struggling with this for many years. 

I first was introduced to printed media, via, my mother's copies of the 'Joy of Sex' and the follow-up edition, 'More Joy'.  It was the drawings, I was hooked immediately.  I was very young, maybe 6?  I parussed the books repeatedly, searching for understanding. Being a gay kid, I was drawn to the pictures of me, much more than the woman.  I think I had Daddy issues and was longing for a male role model to guide me perhaps.  I had no adult males in my life to stand in as a father, so I was yearning for something I didn't even understand I wanted yet.  The books became a browsing catalogue, learning about sexual arrousal and all the many ways to have sex with a woman.  I was most interested in the men, of course, but they still were a total mystery to me, what I had then was information and pictures about how men had sex and looked when aroused, how to use their bodies etc.  At that young age, there was no sexual arrousal for me yet, at least not the typw we discover in puberty or early adolescence.  However sex was unfortunately something I did know about first hand, though I think that was best described as rape or molestation.  So I was familiar with sex acts, but not personal sexual desires or masterbation yet.  I think I might pause here.  This is very revealing and I need to pace myself.  Im worried that my story might trugger someone in an unhealthy way.  And then there's the reality that no one would ever read this either. so I'm gonna read through more of the guidelines before I get to far into this history of mine.

 

[now-man]

Hi Hans32,
I think you'll find this a very supportive environment. Good that you pace yourself, good that you check out the guidelines, and good that you share your story and your progress here. Welcome!

 

[Doc]

Hello Hans,
This is the place you need to be.  We all have different backgrounds, orientations, upbringings etc.. but share the commonality of the addiction.  I haven't seen any signs of judgement here.  Only good people who have fallen to a bad thing.  Take your time but get here as soon as you can.  We will all be here for backup and information.  First thing to know:  This is NOT as easy as it seems but is well worth it.
Welcome,
R

 

[harry]

Glad you're my accountability partner!

 

[hans32]

I'm loving all the support, i am glad to have an active accountability partner, its a wild ride, I feel like an active wire fallen in a storm laying on the road, flopping about and sparking, all this energy, the jitters, very emotional, egads, the sex dreams, OMG, and morning wood. like MORNING WOOD, how bizarre...

 

[hans32]

Holy crap I was on my Tumblr page, I had two but deleated the hardcore version, however i was deleated my following that was porn  related and boy was this hard to do, I saw some photos and my entire body began to surge, my brain whirlled and I actually have a headache.  i think my anxiety shot through the roof.  I felt the pull to stop in and look before deleting my attachment to erotic sites on tumbr, I strted to go to archives and i felt so hijacked into  getting off.  i when directly here and am writting instead.  Im going to check in with Harry, my accountability partner.  This is really hard to do.  I am spinning.  But I should also acknowledge that Ive been more productive in the past few days than I have in weeks...months.  Ive been crossing stuff off of my to do list with gusto.  Im leaving the house now to get away from this isolation and temptation. 

 

[harry]

It's great you had an alternate place to go with your stress and anxiety; a place to go form a new, healthy pattern. Porn and P subs are so insidious, one must be hyper-vigilant to keep this disastrous stuff at bay.

It's also great you realize you've been much more productive.

Stay strong, my reboot buddy! 

 

[hans32]

Strong is such a noble term, I dont feel strong, what I feel is everything, like my skin has been removed.  I was walking with a friend the other night and he said I feel different to him, like I'm on the ground, both feet, he wasnt sure exactly what it was but said it was as if I was not above everything in my mind, but more real and present in my body.  I took this as a compliment and proof that rebooting and staying off porn and masterbation is actually putting me in my body in a healthy way.  I actually cried in therapy for the entire 50 minutes, and i never ever do that. EVER! so releived though.  Wow.  I wonder if others feel this way?

 

[hans32]

No Masterbation, but I did get swept into some porn, then was really weirded out because I was feeling so bizarre... my buddy says that if I go long enough I may flatline and lose the desire for acting out.  As it is now, I see lips and I want to act out, I dont but geez....

 

[hans32]

This is a weird and wild space.  I'm aware that I'm really anxious and needing to go to bed earlier. It's as if I don't know how to turn in before 11,but. After years of staying up till 2or3,I am out of my norm!  Breaking this habit...addiction ...is going to require all that I have.

 

[harry]

For me, change, while usually good, is always difficult. I've gotten some real hope and support from reading others' success stories.

 

[hans32]

I wont give up trying, Shame and embarrassment over failures could make me lie about my breaks or hide out or avoid.  I have judgements toward myself, harsh judgment even and thats not helpful when it comes to addictions.  I just face and embrace, no matter how imperfect.  I have committed to being honest and to return even if i dont do this perfectly.  I think I may be a perfectionist who would bolt if I cant do this well, whatever 'WELL' is...who knows.  Its alott like ciggarretes, I had to try and quit so many times, 3 programs and years of fighting before i just let them go...
This is a wild ride.

 

[unchained]

I have committed to being honest and to return even if i dont do this perfectly.  I think I may be a perfectionist who would bolt if I cant do this well, whatever 'WELL' is...who knows.

I've heard Matt say from pornfreeradio (which is a free podcast) that just because you can't do it perfect doesn't mean you can't do it.

Stay strong

 

[hans32]

Its been a rough start, I find myself daydreaming about old scenes of porn I've watched and its very strong.  I start to want to go look at it, but Im actually resisting.  I have asked my partner for help in installing 'K9 Protect' software.  The hard part is actually having someone Im close to know my shit, to have them help me, to share this process with the person Im closest to.  If I want to beat this then Im going to have to be open and honest about my private life.  And let me tell you, my private life is not fun.  Being compulsive with porn has consumed huge swaths of my life.  I have goals that lay in wait, languishing while I'm shut in, sitting in the dark, chrged up and twerking on dopamine.  Now Ive been sober from drugs and alcohol for 16 years, and Im proud of it, but I am still addicted, It took me awhile to come out of denial, even though Ive struggled with pornography before, I just didnt ever consider the dopamine aspect or how the brain wired.  Now I know and I cant go back.

I spoke to my reboot buddy and he said that I should post every day, I complained that no one was listening.  He said, that I was wrong and if I posted daily I'd be showing up for others who are looking for support.  I know he's right, I was hiding and making excuses for not doing this.  I told him there's a wheel in my head in the background that chants, "This wont work, this wont work, this wont work"  Its conditioning, my disease works hard every day to tell me Im shit and to give up. 

So I think I should begin with my porn history again and pick up where I left off on the next post.

 

[hans32]

Deactivated another porn account, these are tricky because I feel the urge to explore when I'm on them.  I think doing one at a time and then stepping away from the computer is the best way, trying to do everything, all at once is a problem and usually backfires on me.

 

[now-man]

Hey Hans,

Just want to let you know that I have been following your progress and rooting for you. People may not always post responses, but they may still be grateful for what you are sharing. For me the most valuable thing has been reading others experience, reading from the YBOP website, and especially reading Gary Wilson's book. Thanks for your courage, and keep going!

 

[harry]

Hey reboot buddy,

Wow, two posts in one day - excellent!

Glad to hear you're making progress on deleting those sites, and kudos for being cautious while doing it. One at a time sounds very reasonable, but don't leave any behind cause they will just serve as triggers.

 

[bob]

People may not always post responses, but they may still be grateful for what you are sharing.

This is very true. We may be silent but we are here and we are better for your presence. Thoughts are with you during your Porn removal process.

I had one HD that went bad. Dropped it trying to hook it up when I was away from home. So excited to hook it up that the cords got tangled. It had GB of porn on it. There are times when I still wonder where it is and if I could have retrieved the contents. Pretty sad. It was like retrieving a coin from the floor of a peep show at an adult bookstore. Sad. Been there but sad. Very sad.

We are here and we support you.

Peace

 

[hans32]

Reaching out!  Damn slipperry slope, Waves crashing onto my mind, Suddenly out of  a great day, I get alone and it starts.. That crazy acting out feeling. I installed k9 protection on my macbook air and then blocked all pornography and nudity, plus added specific sites to remain blocked , like TRIBE...the bane of my existance.  Im done with freinds that aren't freinds and fake profiles and a small lockbox life spent alone, feeling high and ashamed all the time. 
I truly am powerless over porn, the urge strikes and I get a bizzarre sickening and exciting feeling, as I contemplate acting out. 
The porn is still there just on the other side of the line ive drawn and the line is a boundary, a deal Im making with myself and my life, to free myself...

 

[bob]

free myself...

Ahh... Those are the words of truth, aren't they.

I believe in my heart that we can accomplish this. With help from positive support group, it is possible.