T
thewhitewindow
Guest
Congratulations Harry, you should be very proud.
Who knew...?
- Thread starter harry
- Start date
Thanks for the comments, guys!
So, I had sex the last two weekends, and I?m rather disappointed that I?m not going to be with my rewiring partner this weekend. Could two weekends have spoiled me that quickly? Or, is it really that I feel oh so fkin entitled at this point in my recovery that I expect sex on demand? Or, is it the hunt, the expectation of sex, that really gets me going, and gets my goat when it isn?t available? Perhaps, it?s an amalgam of all of them. I?m irritated again. Got a case of the fuck its again.
I was hell bent on MOing yesterday. I had to resort to some trickery by telling myself I would do it after my Friday night meeting. After the meeting, I told myself that we would MO for sure first thing on Saturday morning. I did play with myself for a few (awesome) moments this morning, but stopped well short of anything dangerous.
Deep breathing and a little meditation have helped me see clearly. I don?t really want to MO because once I start, I?ll do it 3 or 4 more times today, and who the hell knows how many times tomorrow. I will not suffer through the crummy post mass ejaculation hangover again where my hormones are out of whack for the next 4 or 5 days. I don?t want that anxiety.
At times like this, when I?m feeling and acting like a petulant child, I need to turn to gratitude - how lucky am I to have been able to have had successful sex these last two weekends? The future's looking bright because I am on the right track in my recovery. I?m doing the right thing, and I must stay true to my goal of no MO ever. I abused the privilege just like I did with drugs and alcohol. There is no going back to it. It is not an option. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did, and there was no gun pointed at my head. I?m an addict who is completely incapable of anything remotely resembling moderation. NO MO EVER. Eek - please send help now! This is truly living life on life?s terms. Reality blows sometimes.
So, I had sex the last two weekends, and I?m rather disappointed that I?m not going to be with my rewiring partner this weekend. Could two weekends have spoiled me that quickly? Or, is it really that I feel oh so fkin entitled at this point in my recovery that I expect sex on demand? Or, is it the hunt, the expectation of sex, that really gets me going, and gets my goat when it isn?t available? Perhaps, it?s an amalgam of all of them. I?m irritated again. Got a case of the fuck its again.
I was hell bent on MOing yesterday. I had to resort to some trickery by telling myself I would do it after my Friday night meeting. After the meeting, I told myself that we would MO for sure first thing on Saturday morning. I did play with myself for a few (awesome) moments this morning, but stopped well short of anything dangerous.
Deep breathing and a little meditation have helped me see clearly. I don?t really want to MO because once I start, I?ll do it 3 or 4 more times today, and who the hell knows how many times tomorrow. I will not suffer through the crummy post mass ejaculation hangover again where my hormones are out of whack for the next 4 or 5 days. I don?t want that anxiety.
At times like this, when I?m feeling and acting like a petulant child, I need to turn to gratitude - how lucky am I to have been able to have had successful sex these last two weekends? The future's looking bright because I am on the right track in my recovery. I?m doing the right thing, and I must stay true to my goal of no MO ever. I abused the privilege just like I did with drugs and alcohol. There is no going back to it. It is not an option. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did, and there was no gun pointed at my head. I?m an addict who is completely incapable of anything remotely resembling moderation. NO MO EVER. Eek - please send help now! This is truly living life on life?s terms. Reality blows sometimes.
bob
Respected Member
Harry, you are doing amazingly well on this process. My hat goes off to you.
I am at this point as well. It is so DAMN hard to realize what is going on, the required response, and the intended outcomes. Well; maybe its not hard to realize, just hard to accomplish.
I too wanted to MO so bad yesterday. I am, however, only sitting on 10 days. Your at 24!
Keep it up.
harry said:
I am at this point as well. It is so DAMN hard to realize what is going on, the required response, and the intended outcomes. Well; maybe its not hard to realize, just hard to accomplish.
I too wanted to MO so bad yesterday. I am, however, only sitting on 10 days. Your at 24!
Keep it up.
Last Thursday, I had my 4th appointment with my sexological bodyworker. Sexological bodywork is an alternative medical approach for treating issues like PIED, ED, and PE. The sexological bodyworker is a friend of mine who is accuring treatment hours in order to attain his certification from the State of California. I've tried Western medicine's remedy of pills, but they never worked well for me.
This work has been quite interesting. While I?ve made some great progress in my recovery - I?ve had 3 sexual encounters in the last month with 2 rewiring partners with adequate performances by my dick each time - I still have this nagging issue with performance anxiety, and the sexological work I?m doing is offering me a number of solutions. Remembering to breathe relatively deeply from the diaphragm, and remembering to get out of my head and into my body in order to feel the pleasure that is occurring are two of the biggies for me. The second I start worrying about my dick, is the moment at which I disengage from the entire experience. The preoccupation with having an erection leads directly to stupid fears ranging from my self worth to my manhood. How the hell do I expect to have an erection when I am not even present for the event? Some of this stuff is just so simple, it eludes me as I have a tendency to overcomplicate things.
In my recovery process (almost 7 years clean and sober), I?ve found it very helpful to practice these new, appropriate behaviors over and over again until they become a habit. Forming new habits can take some time (18 - 245 days per the excellent post by Leon on 4/10/2016), but once they become a habit, I no longer have to remember to do them; they become automatic. Repeating these behaviors strengthens my prefrontal cortex and helps cure hypofrontality.
At the suggestion of my bodyworker, tonight, I will be going to a workshop for men who seek deeper levels of conscious erotic intimacy. This is so far out of my comfort zone that I said no initially, but upon reflection, I decided WTF do I have to lose? Sink or swim. Besides, it?s only two hours; it?s not going to kill me. From my years in AA, I?ve learned that taking contrary action plays a keen role in early recovery. I?m rather nervous about this event tonight, but hell, I get to practice the things I?ve been learning, and I may even find a new rewiring partner. As a single man, it's tough finding new partners without using Psubs like Scruff.
Leon's post also included an interesting benefit to meditation - a bump in dopamine levels, and as a result, I?ve started meditating finally. I?ve tried it over the years, but have never really given it a chance. A friend of mine told me about an app called ?Insight Timer? which has guided meditations. Well, I?ve been doing it daily since Monday, and it has been quite a helpful way to start my day. I?ve listened to a number of 10 - 15 minute introduction meditations and recommend it highly. Oddly, my prior contempt for meditation seems to have disappeared.
On the cold shower front, I just past 75 days yesterday. Every damn morning, I cringe for the first 5 or 10 seconds as the cold water flows over me. Brrr. I wonder why I continue to do it, but I know it is a huge accomplishment for me. It puts me in this mindset - if I can do this, I can do anything. At 75 days, it is nowhere near to becoming a habit, yet.
This work has been quite interesting. While I?ve made some great progress in my recovery - I?ve had 3 sexual encounters in the last month with 2 rewiring partners with adequate performances by my dick each time - I still have this nagging issue with performance anxiety, and the sexological work I?m doing is offering me a number of solutions. Remembering to breathe relatively deeply from the diaphragm, and remembering to get out of my head and into my body in order to feel the pleasure that is occurring are two of the biggies for me. The second I start worrying about my dick, is the moment at which I disengage from the entire experience. The preoccupation with having an erection leads directly to stupid fears ranging from my self worth to my manhood. How the hell do I expect to have an erection when I am not even present for the event? Some of this stuff is just so simple, it eludes me as I have a tendency to overcomplicate things.
In my recovery process (almost 7 years clean and sober), I?ve found it very helpful to practice these new, appropriate behaviors over and over again until they become a habit. Forming new habits can take some time (18 - 245 days per the excellent post by Leon on 4/10/2016), but once they become a habit, I no longer have to remember to do them; they become automatic. Repeating these behaviors strengthens my prefrontal cortex and helps cure hypofrontality.
At the suggestion of my bodyworker, tonight, I will be going to a workshop for men who seek deeper levels of conscious erotic intimacy. This is so far out of my comfort zone that I said no initially, but upon reflection, I decided WTF do I have to lose? Sink or swim. Besides, it?s only two hours; it?s not going to kill me. From my years in AA, I?ve learned that taking contrary action plays a keen role in early recovery. I?m rather nervous about this event tonight, but hell, I get to practice the things I?ve been learning, and I may even find a new rewiring partner. As a single man, it's tough finding new partners without using Psubs like Scruff.
Leon's post also included an interesting benefit to meditation - a bump in dopamine levels, and as a result, I?ve started meditating finally. I?ve tried it over the years, but have never really given it a chance. A friend of mine told me about an app called ?Insight Timer? which has guided meditations. Well, I?ve been doing it daily since Monday, and it has been quite a helpful way to start my day. I?ve listened to a number of 10 - 15 minute introduction meditations and recommend it highly. Oddly, my prior contempt for meditation seems to have disappeared.
On the cold shower front, I just past 75 days yesterday. Every damn morning, I cringe for the first 5 or 10 seconds as the cold water flows over me. Brrr. I wonder why I continue to do it, but I know it is a huge accomplishment for me. It puts me in this mindset - if I can do this, I can do anything. At 75 days, it is nowhere near to becoming a habit, yet.
Phase2
Well-Known Member
Looking forward to your report from tonight. Let all the doubt and fear about tonight go and just have fun. You are rewiring. There are no rules. Just enjoy the experience and be open to what happens. You are not going to be attracted to everyone--you know that going in so don't stress. Rewiring is about touch, closeness, scent, experience--just reacclimating yourself to humans again vs pixels so just go with that. Enjoy. Wish I had the opportunity too!
B
BlueSun
Guest
Hi Harry -
I'm teetering on the realization of being addicted to MO. Something I saw you post pushed against that fear and I could feel the mental door shut and lock. I'm still working things out, as we all are. I'm just a little under 90 days of effort (that's relapses aplenty) with my most recent reset 8 days ago and dedication to a g rated life for the next 90. Progress is slow.
What happens at sexological worker appointments? I've never heard of it before. I'm probably far off from rewire. Your resolve and length of successful recovery is inspiring. I will read your whole thread for more.
Thanks!
Darrell
I'm teetering on the realization of being addicted to MO. Something I saw you post pushed against that fear and I could feel the mental door shut and lock. I'm still working things out, as we all are. I'm just a little under 90 days of effort (that's relapses aplenty) with my most recent reset 8 days ago and dedication to a g rated life for the next 90. Progress is slow.
What happens at sexological worker appointments? I've never heard of it before. I'm probably far off from rewire. Your resolve and length of successful recovery is inspiring. I will read your whole thread for more.
Thanks!
Darrell