Haven't logged in for 8 months, My tracker is not accurate. Its been 7 days and honestly been struggling to get passed 7-10 days for over a year now. My partner is an Al Anon family member. Her family members have struggled with addiction for years. We have been talking a lot about addictive behavior and how it manifests. I have been noticing how my tendencies fluctuate from over eating and sweets, to drinking, to over working and even obsessive device tinkering (that check your smartphone itch). It always comes back to porn for me though and I keep admitting to myself that I do not have control over my desires.
As a Buddhist practitioner, attachment to desire is a major root cause of suffering and that certainly rings true for myself. I have been avoiding my practice because of the uncomfortable fact that I need to face myself and deal with this. I recognize that I will not progress spiritually if I cannot work in a healthy way with my desires and cravings. I notice how my major obstacle is discipline and consistent sustained effort with many things in my life from porn addiction to Dharma practice and meditation, to exercise and also applying myself to the things that bring me joy. I have been questioning "what is it that holds me back from making effort?", "what is keeping me from doing the things that I enjoy?", "what is it exactly that triggers my addictive habitual patterns?" I feel like I experienced a break through moment recently acknowledging that most often I am triggered by the fear and rawness of feeling vulnerable. The acknowledgement that maybe I feel sad or uncomfortable or unsure, or that I don't quite have it together or under control. I run from that feeling, engage in addictive behavior and then start the spin cycle of shame and unworthiness. This cripples me from making future effort as "I will surely fail". What really gets me is that I have a framework for working with all of this. My practice teaches me to lean into the uncomfortable, look honestly at these cycles that vulnerability is what leads to compassion and I am still not practicing. Conceptual understanding doesn't mean anything without the application and discipline of practicing. So I am trying to work one day at a time working mindfully and trying to attempt to give myself space with the struggle.
As a Buddhist practitioner, attachment to desire is a major root cause of suffering and that certainly rings true for myself. I have been avoiding my practice because of the uncomfortable fact that I need to face myself and deal with this. I recognize that I will not progress spiritually if I cannot work in a healthy way with my desires and cravings. I notice how my major obstacle is discipline and consistent sustained effort with many things in my life from porn addiction to Dharma practice and meditation, to exercise and also applying myself to the things that bring me joy. I have been questioning "what is it that holds me back from making effort?", "what is keeping me from doing the things that I enjoy?", "what is it exactly that triggers my addictive habitual patterns?" I feel like I experienced a break through moment recently acknowledging that most often I am triggered by the fear and rawness of feeling vulnerable. The acknowledgement that maybe I feel sad or uncomfortable or unsure, or that I don't quite have it together or under control. I run from that feeling, engage in addictive behavior and then start the spin cycle of shame and unworthiness. This cripples me from making future effort as "I will surely fail". What really gets me is that I have a framework for working with all of this. My practice teaches me to lean into the uncomfortable, look honestly at these cycles that vulnerability is what leads to compassion and I am still not practicing. Conceptual understanding doesn't mean anything without the application and discipline of practicing. So I am trying to work one day at a time working mindfully and trying to attempt to give myself space with the struggle.