NewVerse
Member
Hi all,
Some of you know me from YBR. This seems like an oddly appropriate day to start my account here, since I need a fresh start of sorts.
I won't go through my entire story again, but just some main details. I'm 40 years old, single, and have been addicted to PMO on some level since I was a teenager.
I experienced ED my first couple attempts at actual sex as a teenager. It was deeply humiliating. I used to think it was nerves, and shyness, but believe now much of this was due to a combination of nerves, and exposure to too much porn at an early age. O was something I experienced with my hand thinking about women, or watching lesbian images and videos. I was so attracted to girls, but real sex with real girls felt unnatural.
I tried again and a again until i got it right, and cut back considerably on PMO, until i struck the right balance. I had solved my ED problem, and on some level knew that a healthy sexual life rested on very limited PMO. I was good through my 20s, and had relationships, and healthy sex life until the internet threw this delicate balance off.
My much more destructive demon became chatrooms. So destructive that It eventually killed my sex life completely. The total escape consumed me. I didn't even have to be myself. I could be anyone I wanted in these rooms. It was so destructive that I lost sight of how destructive just regular PMO was to me. I quit chat more times than i can count. I thought regular PMO is fine, but not only is PMO damaging, it always leads me back to the larger demon. My ED came back in full force to humiliate me again. I delved deeper into fantasy, so I wouldn't have to think about it.
I lost over a decade of my life to chasing dopamine highs, while the real me suffered through this nightmare, and avoided real relationships. I was well aware this was an addiction, but it wasn't until Feb 2014 that I learned what was going on in my brain, and what had truly happened to me. With the support of some of you here, I started a journey to re-claim my life, and rewire my brain. I spent 34 days clean (longest ever), learning more about myself in many ways than i had learned in 25 years. In many ways I felt better, and strogner than I have ever felt. I learned all the tricks, and gimmicks of my inner addict until 2 days ago my inner addict convinced me to make a conscious choice to relapse. Give in this one time, and binge hard so I can study the results. "This isn't a 'one last time' trick. I need this for my recovery" On some level I knew it was a trick, but it also made sense to me. Well played, demon. and I did in fact study, and note every detail and sensation during this binge. It was fascinating. and miserable.
Anyway, i'm back on track. Shaking this one off, and coming back stronger. I'll still continue to post in YBR and here, until with your help I get my life back. Maybe I can also help some others along the way.
Good to be here.
NewVerse
Some of you know me from YBR. This seems like an oddly appropriate day to start my account here, since I need a fresh start of sorts.
I won't go through my entire story again, but just some main details. I'm 40 years old, single, and have been addicted to PMO on some level since I was a teenager.
I experienced ED my first couple attempts at actual sex as a teenager. It was deeply humiliating. I used to think it was nerves, and shyness, but believe now much of this was due to a combination of nerves, and exposure to too much porn at an early age. O was something I experienced with my hand thinking about women, or watching lesbian images and videos. I was so attracted to girls, but real sex with real girls felt unnatural.
I tried again and a again until i got it right, and cut back considerably on PMO, until i struck the right balance. I had solved my ED problem, and on some level knew that a healthy sexual life rested on very limited PMO. I was good through my 20s, and had relationships, and healthy sex life until the internet threw this delicate balance off.
My much more destructive demon became chatrooms. So destructive that It eventually killed my sex life completely. The total escape consumed me. I didn't even have to be myself. I could be anyone I wanted in these rooms. It was so destructive that I lost sight of how destructive just regular PMO was to me. I quit chat more times than i can count. I thought regular PMO is fine, but not only is PMO damaging, it always leads me back to the larger demon. My ED came back in full force to humiliate me again. I delved deeper into fantasy, so I wouldn't have to think about it.
I lost over a decade of my life to chasing dopamine highs, while the real me suffered through this nightmare, and avoided real relationships. I was well aware this was an addiction, but it wasn't until Feb 2014 that I learned what was going on in my brain, and what had truly happened to me. With the support of some of you here, I started a journey to re-claim my life, and rewire my brain. I spent 34 days clean (longest ever), learning more about myself in many ways than i had learned in 25 years. In many ways I felt better, and strogner than I have ever felt. I learned all the tricks, and gimmicks of my inner addict until 2 days ago my inner addict convinced me to make a conscious choice to relapse. Give in this one time, and binge hard so I can study the results. "This isn't a 'one last time' trick. I need this for my recovery" On some level I knew it was a trick, but it also made sense to me. Well played, demon. and I did in fact study, and note every detail and sensation during this binge. It was fascinating. and miserable.
Anyway, i'm back on track. Shaking this one off, and coming back stronger. I'll still continue to post in YBR and here, until with your help I get my life back. Maybe I can also help some others along the way.
Good to be here.
NewVerse
