This relapse was a bad one. Suicidal thoughts popped into my head afterwards. For about twenty minutes I was trying to figure out how to hang my belt around a sturdy foundation on my ceiling. I wast thinking about wrapping it around my ceiling fan but that wouldnt work. I started looking for anything I could temporarily drill into the ceiling to act as a solid foundation.
Then I snapped.
I took a deep breath and did some research on porn blockers for my computer and android. In doing so I PMO'd and a feeling of hollowness ensued. As a side note, I have been at the rebooting process for roughly three-four years. I have been past ninety days and lost my virginity then.... those were the days. For some reason, I can't make it back there. The furthest I have gotten since was fifty days.
I have success when I am not stressed out. When I'm not in school, I'm not working and I'm more successful. But that is life and I have no way around that. Don't get me wrong, I love University, especially because I have finally found my area of study: Creative Writing. I love every moment of my fiction and screenplay classes but they are so god dam intense. I have a huge history of anxiety and I used pornography to escape from my issues in high school (abusive father who made me feel like I was worthless). I have come a long way and I continue to see counselling for those demons. I am in a much better place with my father but I still have this tendency to use porn when I am stressed out.
I am currently writing a short story for my fiction class and it isn't going well. I am really far behind in it and its due in four days. I was at the library working on it today and I was looking at lesbian porn tumblr accounts on the side. The library is my haven because I know that I cannot do things such as browsing at porn. Something happened today and I was just a complete zombie (hungover?). Just scrolling through pornography pages. I told myself that I wouldnt jerk off when I got home (It was ten days abstaining today and I am on a roll). I felt super depressed walking home and as I entered my home, a bunch of my friends stood in the hallway drinking and eating weed brownies (I quit pot three years ago because it correlated with porn negatively). Everyone wanted to talk to me and I just went upstairs to try and finish my story. Then I relapsed.
What I am most upset about is being a complete fucking sham. I recently was interviewed by my school newspaper for their upcoming sex issue. I've advocated against pornography addiction before in one of my journalism classes and people took a liking to it. I was given a lot of praise for standing in front of the class and telling everyone about it. So this girl from that class now a staff writer on the school newspaper wanted to interview me for this sex issue. She is writing an article about online pornography addiction awareness. I talked to her for an hour a couple days ago and I felt proud of myself, for putting myself out there and hopefully helping someone on campus that is afraid to speak about it.
But this is all shit when I fucking fall down so god damn often. I CANT STOP.
I'm going back to the basics and installing a porn blocker on my laptop and android. Anyone know of any good ones besides K-9 web protection?
The shit I just relapsed to was rather extreme. I've been having more difficulty abstaining from regular masturbation, I am pretty good with abstaining from pornography. I feel like I have taken SO many steps backward. I'm so fucking weak, I cant fight my urges.
Then I snapped.
I took a deep breath and did some research on porn blockers for my computer and android. In doing so I PMO'd and a feeling of hollowness ensued. As a side note, I have been at the rebooting process for roughly three-four years. I have been past ninety days and lost my virginity then.... those were the days. For some reason, I can't make it back there. The furthest I have gotten since was fifty days.
I have success when I am not stressed out. When I'm not in school, I'm not working and I'm more successful. But that is life and I have no way around that. Don't get me wrong, I love University, especially because I have finally found my area of study: Creative Writing. I love every moment of my fiction and screenplay classes but they are so god dam intense. I have a huge history of anxiety and I used pornography to escape from my issues in high school (abusive father who made me feel like I was worthless). I have come a long way and I continue to see counselling for those demons. I am in a much better place with my father but I still have this tendency to use porn when I am stressed out.
I am currently writing a short story for my fiction class and it isn't going well. I am really far behind in it and its due in four days. I was at the library working on it today and I was looking at lesbian porn tumblr accounts on the side. The library is my haven because I know that I cannot do things such as browsing at porn. Something happened today and I was just a complete zombie (hungover?). Just scrolling through pornography pages. I told myself that I wouldnt jerk off when I got home (It was ten days abstaining today and I am on a roll). I felt super depressed walking home and as I entered my home, a bunch of my friends stood in the hallway drinking and eating weed brownies (I quit pot three years ago because it correlated with porn negatively). Everyone wanted to talk to me and I just went upstairs to try and finish my story. Then I relapsed.
What I am most upset about is being a complete fucking sham. I recently was interviewed by my school newspaper for their upcoming sex issue. I've advocated against pornography addiction before in one of my journalism classes and people took a liking to it. I was given a lot of praise for standing in front of the class and telling everyone about it. So this girl from that class now a staff writer on the school newspaper wanted to interview me for this sex issue. She is writing an article about online pornography addiction awareness. I talked to her for an hour a couple days ago and I felt proud of myself, for putting myself out there and hopefully helping someone on campus that is afraid to speak about it.
But this is all shit when I fucking fall down so god damn often. I CANT STOP.
I'm going back to the basics and installing a porn blocker on my laptop and android. Anyone know of any good ones besides K-9 web protection?
The shit I just relapsed to was rather extreme. I've been having more difficulty abstaining from regular masturbation, I am pretty good with abstaining from pornography. I feel like I have taken SO many steps backward. I'm so fucking weak, I cant fight my urges.