Becoming the person I've always wanted to be

[nwtproductions]

Hi Guys

Just thought I would start a new journal and give a brief background of myself. 24 year old male, first learnt about the damages porn caused 4 years ago roughly.
A month(30 days to be exact) before i turned 21. That day I turned 21 was also my first relapse, i thought to myself this was easy and I can do it easy. One
little reward now (PMO) and i'll can it. I'm starting to think about turning 25, wow and i'm still battling this.

The reason or my main motivation was my failed sexually experiences, I had ED. Now I could see a way out and all i ever wanted was to be intimate and have a girlfriend.
This reason wasn't enough as I got out of a two year + relationship a few months and still occasionally used porn during it. I was dealing with a few things in my life and we
both weren't' perfect but I really wish I got a chance at it again without porn in my life and it's affect on my brain. Good thing  is I abstained enough and with some early use
of viagra was able to have sex and rewire to the real thing.

Life isn't look good and I'm stuck in the same old routine of work and living for the weekend. Worse thing is i'm relapsing consistently to porn which helps make it feel like
i'm not getting anywhere. Stupid as it to think of my day counter is one of the defining things if I'm being "successful in life" and I can be happy. I think I have made progress
in my life since then, not as much as I would like though. I don't want to be that porn zombie and lose the ability to have a full relationship with my (future) partner.

I've tried programs, read books on porn, youtube channels. Why can't i beat this addiction and move on. It sucks to be on Day 0 again.

As you've all know,bad binges hurts you emotionally and make you re-consider things in life. One thing that people who quit say is that you've got to improve your life.
I've been trying this but I guess it time to take it up a notch. Day 0 clean today. Grateful for another chance, hopefully this is the last one I need.
Time to take it up another notch, I'm going to give it all this time. No excuses. Hope together we can inspire, help and change each others lives.

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living" - Nelson Mandela

 

[Hablablos]

Hello nwtproductions and welcome here.

I would like to ask, what hobbies or activities you do in your free time?

Another thing what can help you is to sit down and write things you would like experience, skills you would like to learn. When you have them ask yourself what can you do to get them?

If you cannot think of anything, try to imagine that next day you would die. And write down things you would regret.

 

[nwtproductions]

Hi Hablablos

Will give your journal a read when i've got more time on my hands. Look's like theirs alot of helpful information on their.
Never hit 100 days before so would be great if I could get that.

Hobbies are sports and video gaming(which i think i just use to kill time, don't enjoy it that much). Started trying to meditate but
will need to keep working on it. Def need to find a new hobby to focus on which will me a big goal that I will want to accomplish.

One thing I regret is not travelling, living with this addiction(which numbs life and my emotions) and just living life for the weekend. 

 

[Hablablos]

For the hobbies I can recommend you this: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/

It may give you something to think about. And for my journal, it is possible to find something there. Honestly I still didn't manage to go over it so far ;D

 

[nwtproductions]

DAY 1


What a day of two halves. This morning I slept in (still got to work on time) feel the most anxious i've ever been from the worse binge session I've  had.
Down in the dumps but lucky work give me something to focus in on. Spent my free time during lunch/breaks on finding out ways to create real change and
reflect on the life improvements i've made this year. Thanks to Coach.me app i can tell that i can still make February better than the last three months PMO wise.
I've also done little things most day like improve my health, intelligence and emotionally regulation.

Good gym and cardio session, some reading, appointment with my therapist (non porn related but everything is kinda connected) and some meditation before bed.
Funny how a productive day can change your feelings and give you hope that everything is going to be OK. I sure as hell didn't feel like doing this morning but
I want that life situation that makes me happy, proud and give me self worth.

Know tomorrow will be rough from previous experience I have the worse comedown/withdrawal affects day 2 and 3. Not looking forward to it, but I can do it. I feel hopeful again.

"Start everyday with new hope, leave bad memories behind and have faith for a better tomorrow"

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 2

Today wasn't to bad, focused in on trying to hit my other goals and making true action to achieving them. Slept in by got a fitness boot camp tomorrow so this should
get me up nice and early. Weird how a positive attitude and exercise can help with my bad relapse feelings/emotions. Seem like journaling also give's me closure and releases
life pressure.

Decided to give up alcohol this week as I spent $240.00 dollars on my binge drinking. Just living for the night out, f that. It hurts my self esteem and self respect which
together with a hangover more often than not leads to porn. I'm not against drinking, but i just can't control myself and at this stage of my life always over do it. Have done for
many years. Quote below is motivating in one way and makes me sad about how I've been living. Yeah i've been living for that other 29% but I've spent a fair deal on it on my Sunday
porn binges

"If you are living for the weekend, you are wasting 71% of your life"

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 3

Good day with regards to working on achieving my goals and life situation. Got up at 5:30am, first time this week. Hoping to repeat it tomorrow.
Being busy has helped me not even worry about PMO. Tomorrow is Friday, the start of the danger time for me. I've got to be vigilant and take it
just as another day. Even though I hate my porn problem and my living for the drunken night out attitude i'm going to use it to help me become
the best version of myself and have a life situation I like

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines" Robert H Schuller

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 5

Still PMO free, yesterday was good and was just knackered from the week so didn't journal. A slippery slope not doing the work, leads to more laziness which leads to relapse's.
Today was a productive Saturday, should of organised a lunch time activity but just played some computer games after 2 training sessions. Also have looked after my body well
with fueling it with food and stretching(tried a foam roller today).

I know i'm in for a battle tonight and tomorrow (sunday), normally I go out with friends and drink to avoid my problems. Being single again after a long time has brought back a lot
of repressed feelings of being abandoned, loneliness and low self worth. I keep myself busy during the week with work and other activities, but as you all know free time is the devil
when your fighting addiction. Especially one that is one click away from getting the hit. With valentines tomorrow I don't think it's going to help, but I'll get through tomorrow, today
and the next days.

Going to the movies with a few friends tonight, will be fun and help me get my mind of my feelings.

"The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow"

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 6

Was able to manage through today, being not hung over def helps but need to be more proactive with food and a solid plan of action for the whole day.
Friends come over which helped me with deal with valentines day which helped make my repressed feelings of abandonment and loneliness bearable.
Was a time when I was heavily triggered as I was by myself and I though of what if(think of the future). Was able to take control and crush the
gremlin in my head. No masturbating with "just physical sensation" as i would just use my imagination and no peeking at things which leads to escalation.
What triggered it was my ex texting me then ignoring me. I know we have no future, theirs no point having a relationship with her.
But i still feel guilty cause of some of my actions I did and would like to meet up with her again. Positive closure in a way i guess. 

"It's sad how 3 months ago I was staying up all night talking to you until I feel asleep but now I don't even know how you are doing"

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 7

Monday, one week down. I don't want to be counting the days but it feels good to reach a week. Work was pretty fully on, but i feel on top of it.
Maybe it's being more level and in control of my emotions.I'm all over the place when I regular PMO. I was reading the power of now by Eckhart Tolle
and relationships come up. Helped me reinforce that I didn't give the best attempt on my last relationship (2 years and a 1/2). Was my first serious one
so I learnt alot of lessons from it.

This lead me to contact my ex again. Meeting up on Wednesday so i hope to leave a positive impression on her and hope to remove some of the pain I caused.
Seems like she forgot about all the good times and just remembers the bad. I no longer hold any future hope of her being the one, but she does mean a lot to me.
Don't want to leave it like it currently is. I want her to be happy.

Bit of a rant today, but I'm glad to get it out. In more happy news I finished how I met your mother last night.

"I think if you care about someone, you should want them to be happy... even if you wind up being left out" - Ted Mosby

 

[Hablablos]

Hello nwtproductions

I wanted to stop by and say, that you are doing good. Also I want to point out: learn to appreciate yourself even for small things. And week without seems to me like a good reason for that.

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 8

Thanks Hablablos will try and be grateful every day for the little things.

Feel a lot hopeful recently with life and also with this addiction. Just need to keep working on my life situation and making progress every day.
Deep down i'm the one who can change this, no point in blaming others and i'm starting to feel like I can do it. Will have to make a lot of hard decisions
and feel some unpleasant feelings which will make me want to relapse.

This is normally the time i start to get complacent, But I've got to think about why i'm doing this, no one is going to
take my hand and do it for me.

"You have to do it yourself, no one else will do it for you. You must work out your own salvation. - Charles Popplestone

 

[ixychromatic]

Congrats on the solid week, mane.

Once you get past the first two weeks, I've found it actually does start to get easier, and you're halfway to that, so stay strong, this is the hardest part.

Just stay focused, keep busy, and think about how much better you'll feel by committing to this.

 

[nwtproductions]

Thanks Ixy, just read your update on your journal. I struggle with the weekend too much free time not enough self control.

Day 9

EX didn't want to meet up tonight as feelings are still to raw. Whatever I guess, wish i could dump the feelings and just be ok that's she's no longer in my life.
More time will help with those feelings. Productive day, been going to a new gym class and being social with other people. Will have to find ways to fit them in
on a permanent basic. Feelings have been a bit all over the place due to this but I got to center in and focus on my goals. Keep clean and keep moving forward.

"Don't look back, you're not going that way"

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 10

Double digits, keeping busy but got to keep my eyes on the prize. This will help me stay clean, motivated and not complacent.
PMO wise I've prob hit dead dick phase. Normally day 4 after a session i get a fake dose of hornyness which I think
is my porn addicted brain trying to get me to relapse. My longest porn free time was 30 days and wasn't feeling insanely horny.
During the 30 days I didn't have an orgasm or wet dream. Can't wait to reach that point again and push on.

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb" - Nelson Mandela

 

[nwtproductions]

Day 14 of Rebooting my life

Day 1 PMO free

Feeling drained from the weekend, went out and went into old patterns of just living for the weekend. Friday was bad
as my EX contacted me again (multiple phone calls) then decided to ghost me when we were suppose to see eachother.
My fault for just waiting for it and not getting anything done. Ended up relapsing/mini binging on sunday, i feel like
an idiot for what I did to myself. I hate to blame anyone as I choose to relapse but she's hurt me. I wish that chapter of my
life ended differently but it's finished now.

"Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you"

 

[user43457]

Hey man. It's great you're becoming aware of your porn addiction and choosing to stop. It doesn't matter how many setbacks you have, what matter is that you keep going.

 

[absam91]

Hey nwtproductions!

It was nice to go through your journal and know about your journey so far. Okay you relapsed, but you jumped right back on the horse again and are ready to continue with the reboot. After my past relapses, I would binge for about a week or two before I gathered the will to resume. I think what you've done is hard and you should be proud of it. Do take time to acknowledge every victory you achieve and use that momentum in your journey to a new life!

I've heard good things about the book "Power of Now". It's on my reading list. What do you think about it?

Good luck! Keep sharing your story.

PS: I like the quotes you put at the end of your posts

 

[nwtproductions]

Thanks Life_awaits and absam. Means alot. Your right i'll learn from this and get better.  Hate that it feels like i'm at day 1 again
but realistically it's different this time.

I'm about 3/4 of the way through the The Power of Now, I've learnt some good things and helped me with learning more
about being present and mindful. Also why I react to certain situations. There's  a bit of spiritual stuff that i'm not into it
and it's a hard read but worth it.

 

[user43457]

Yeah man it's definitely different now you have more experience. It took me a lot of relapses in the past to be  able to reach day 8 and if I  have a setback then I'd know that there is something that I still need to learn to deal with or avoid.