Share your flatline experience with me please

[mylaststand]

Hi all,
Its 3am(UK time), I just woke up after sleeping maybe 4 hours, I feel very depressed and I thought to share my thoughts about the flatline I am expreriencing. Any comments or tips would be much appreciated

So about me first:
I am 30 years old, in my reboot now at day 50 aprox (I am trying without hard mode, so if there is opportunity for real sex, I will try). About my wanking career, all started at age 12 more or less, lucky for me, I had dial up modem so I think the early years were not very intense. Latter as teenager I would have fiber optic and I would actually have very long sessions every second day and also edging a lot too.


Currently, I have mild depression. I yet don't experience morning wood.
In what regards to my dick, sometimes when I go to the toilet its very small, but other times it is big.
For days I think I have no libido, but I have all short of dirty thoughts, I can't really control. Most of the times, this thoughts don't give me any erection, but in occasions they slightly turn me on and I get some minimal erections during the day.


Recently I meet somebody, I told her that I was having libido problems due to depression(not the full real reason), she was suportive and said that we didnt have to have sex yet. But i did use an oyster meat suplement("Golden root"), it did boost a bit my libido and I was able to have sex with maybe 60 to 65 % erection, i cum a bit soon but not too much aprox 10 minutes after starting. The day after that she gave me oral sex and I also got the same level of erection but it toke me extremely long to cum(maybe 30 minutes), so I had to help with my own hand a bit by the end(btw I don't know if this counts as 'MO'). Kissing and hugging did not make me hard at all, even talking about all sort of dirty stuff with her only I started getting an erection when she started massaging my testicles.

I experiece very deep sadness through the days. I have trouble with sleep, I can't always fall sleep and when I do, I don't think I do get proper sleep. Im overworried about my sexual health. I try to do some Kegel exercises 2 times a day(at wake up and before bed), also I started taking L-arginine + Pycnogenol for maybe a week already but I cannot really say that I am experiencing any benefit from any of this so far.

I am not feeling urge to masturbate at all and also I don't feel for watching porn, even since the day I started rebooting.

In what regards to psicological stability, due to the lack of a relationship since many years ago I have at the moment mild depression I would say, but in occasions I get random suicide thoughts and also thoughts of being worthless as a human.

So this is my situation at the moment, If somebody who is going through similar flatline and wants to share his story, or has any tip to hare in any of the points, I would apreciate alot.

 

[Boaconstricted]

Here's a recent reply of mine to another thread I thought might help you, it describes my own experience whilst answering a question about whether to get involved in casual relationship whilst flatlining:
I've been rebooting for 14 weeks now - no fapping, no sexting, no edging, no porn or sexual imagery and I've also stopped 'testing' myself out down there. In that time I've essentially been in flatline, tho' I have O'd 7 times, 3 a few weeks in with a casual partner and 4 recently with my new girlf of a month. All but the last of those times I took a Viagra tablet, tho' it only worked as well as expected, an 90%er plus of a stiffy, once. The last time with my girlf I achieved enough of a boner to 'dry hump' but one O and I was out of the game, back into a refractory period. I'm kinda fortunate that she's quite inexperienced and wants to take things slow, which has bought me some time to rewire. She's also an incredibly sweet, oldfashioned young woman and I've  sounded her out about my potential 'performance anxiety' and that my willy might be 'unreliable' and it seems that we're both more concerned to actually keep the relationship going and growing rather than rate each other on sexual prowess. To be honest, we're in love already. Yet, the secret shame and sense of being a fraud I feel at  my flatlining libido and undisclosed viagra usage has cast a very considerable and sometimes sabotage-tempting shadow over what should be a purely joyous and optimistic period in my life after 4 years of singledom. During that 4 years, I've  been in and out of flatline with random periods of libido recovery which opened the floodgates of compulsive fapping and edging for a month or so until I reentered flatline.  I don't like porn, sexting has been my eroticism of choice. During the last two years, I've had occasional viagra-aided sex with a handful of women I've sexted with a view to a relationship, but things have fizzled out, mostly due to other factors rather than sex as far as I know, tho' it's been constant source of covert anxiety for me.  What I would advise any newbie to do is not get into relationship or even casually date, in fact I'd avoid the latter more, if you're still rebooting/flatlining. It's not worth the emotional torment. I was ready to knock dating on the head whilst I rebooted , had a few contacts I felt it fair to meet in perfunctory fashion, but then went and fell in love, d'oh! Casual dating/sex  whilst your libido's still out of whack is more stressful than pleasurable, especially if these women are objectifying YOU and your performance (feministically speaking, I guess turnabout is fair play, but I've never been a player myself really and playerettes terrify me). Recently, I've come to the epiphany that obsessing about my libido is really just the flatline flipside of compulsive fapping when I'm able. I've had other addictions, dopamine based ultimately too, and have recognised  'cravings' to touch myself or O during flatline as asexually emanating from my mind not my groin, not dissimilar to urges to smoke or drink during those quits. The idea that I should be aroused when I'm on my own is part of what has got me into this fine mess in the first place, so I'm not gonna obsess about morning wood or 'test' myself, but rather leave erotic activity for when I'm with my lady. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping for a gradual improvement as I rewire.  The best we can do is starve out this selfish, solitary sexual self we've developed over years and years and be mindful of our knobsession, resisting constantly thinking about our dongs when they're hard and  constantly thinking about them when they're soft.  Both the flatlines and the bishop-bashing binges have some common neurotic overlap in the brain, I think. My advice is leave off getting involved with this work colleague if you don't have strong feelings and try to spend a few months not only not fapping, but also not looking at your watch then looking at your whang. Perhaps you might also reflect on whether there might biorhythmic element to libido as I have recently: the last few years my sexdrive has been very much a summer event. But I also know what it's like to have doubts about this process and wonder if it's gonna fully work for me as it seems to have for the success stories. The jury's still out for me, but I don't want to be an onanistic illustration of Einstein's  definition of insanity anymore anyhoo, wherever my virility's at: all wankers are sad wankers lol.