My Reboot Journal

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MattyB

Member
So I'm officially starting my reboot today. I actually started last week but slipped up yesterday so here we go again.
I just want to explain my situation to all of you and would deeply appreciate any and all feedback you can give.

I started watching porn when I was aobut 14-15 and masturbating to it, pretty common for most male teenagers I think. But even then I didnt really pursue girls, I was bullied a lot in high school and had pretty low confidence in myself. It wasnt until I was 21 that I lost my virginity, and back then I had no real problems with her. The first time we tried I couldnt maintain, so the morning after we didnt use a condom and had no problems after that. The next girl I was intimate with, about 5 years later, had the same problem maintaining myself and lost my erection shortly afterward, but we were able to have good sex after those awkward first couple times.

I noticed I had a problem a couple months ago when I started seeing my gf (now ex), and when we were intimate I wasn't able to maintain an erection with her. It first started out as not even being able to get to penetration where I would just go limp. After a few times it got to the point where I could get into her, but shortly there after I would again lose my erection. I'm sure you can understand how frustrating this is, I was extremely attracted to her after all. At the time I chalked it up to being somewhat unfamiliar with sex for someone at my age (27) and just having to get more used to and comfortable with it - I've only had 3 sexual partners, having sex with all of them for an average total of 30ish times.

Then a couple weeks ago I kind of took a look at my porn viewing habits. Fairly frequently for the past several years I would watch porn more often than not everyday to masturbate to. Sometimes it was a regular occurance to come home right after work, watch porn, jerk off, continue on my day. And at night, lying in bed, watch porn on my phone, jerk off, go to sleep. And the feeling I get while watching it, well, I had a cocaine addiction 7 years ago and the feeling is pretty similar to when I would pick up a gram and snort lines. I beat that, I can beat this too.

But I did notice too, that I didnt get the same feeling when I was with my ex than I did watching porn. Also too, I think I may have had a bit of performance anxiety the first time, maybe even several times after that. And after that, I would worry about losing my erection while with her, which would kind of be self-defeating in and of itself. But I digress, I do feel I have a bit of an addiction to porn and it has hurt my brain in some way. I am just really hoping that my case is a 'light' one and that it wont take me super long to reboot, since I can still get turned on and aroused by a real woman. I'm going to be starting to date a girl I've been talking to for a bit and really want things to go well, so I'm hoping that a combination of no porn and no masturbation and practicing being with a woman will be of benefit to my brain.

I'll keep updating this post as I go along with my thoughts and feelings and my overall progress as the days go by. Like I said before, I look forward and appreciate any and all feedback you would like to share.

Take care and best of luck to you all!
~Matty B
 
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fnatk

Active Member
Good that you're starting dude, cus' even if you don't have PIED, the anxiety of having to perform will be helped by moving away from porn I'm sure. The point is to re-wire your brain, you're supposed to get erections when you're with real, live girls! Not pixels on a screen! I'm sure you can beat this addiction too if you could beat your cocaine addiction :)
 
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MattyB

Member
Hey thanks for the positive vibes! :) It feels really good to be moving in a good direction. And yes I completely agree, whether its due to PIED or performance anxiety, removing these 2 aspects from my life will help me out in the long run!


***One thing I suggest to anyone going through this, is workout or exercise during this time! Working out and exercising releases serotonin and dopamine in our brains, and since we've been doing that while viewing porn, we wont be getting as much of them during our reboot. If we workout and exercise, it will offset the lower levels of serotonin and dopamine, as well as associate the release of them with something positive. As well, you feel great after a good workout and its a great confidence booster!***
 
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fnatk

Active Member
Positive vibes are part of what its all about! Have you watched any of Gabe's clips on Youtube? He's got some really good advice and I felt very motivated by watching this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0dDLWGMhUo. It helped me a lot, I felt that if he can come out about his addiction and talk about it on Youtube, surely I can beat it as well :)
 
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MattyB

Member
I've watched his video on Tips and Advice during your Reboot, thats it so far. Still doing  reading on this subject as well as my own personal reading endeavours.
I have 3 books on the go, one of them a general overview of psychology, and another Zen and the Art of Happiness to help give my life a good makeover.

Day 2 on the reboot, and going good so far. Have had some temptations to give in, have even had some fantasies and visualizations pop up in my mind but I recognize those
and push them out and replace them with something else or go back to what I am doing.

Something I'd like to share with all of you is a technique I learned while in rehab years ago for my cocaine addiction. We we taught to recognize an 'addictive voice' in our minds that
tries to lead us back to relapse. "What will it hurt, one more?" "I can get away with just once" And other means of justifying it. Now furthermore, once you recognize that there is an addictive
voice in your mind, and trust me, there is - once you learn that, treat it like an entirely different person or personality, your addictive personality. Now make him out to be the most horrible, meanest, evil, ugliest personality you could ever imagine. No sane person would listen or want anything to do with him. Associate the negative impact his doing has had on your life and when
he voices his temptations, bring all of this to light and let it overpower him. This technique has been the strongest thing that has kept me away from cocaine over the years. I still love cocaine, I know I do, despite the fact it almost ruined me. But I also just as much hate it, hate it for how much I love it and what it turned me into. And because I know how much I love/hate it, I am very aware of this, and what could potentially happen if I go back to it, I feel very confident that I will never do it again, even if it is in front of me.
 
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MattyB

Member
So I haven't been on this site for a few months but feel like I need to come back.

Unfortunatly I haven't been keeping up on my personal goal of quitting porn. I have been able to cut it down quite significantly since realizing my problem (I would usually PMO every day or two, but am now down to about once or twice a week). That however is still not good for me. I always seem to make it a few days and then some stray sexual thought or something I see on TV or the internet will bring up my sexual urges and I'll succumb to PMO.

I haven't sexually been with a woman since my last breakup this past April (that was a result of ED problems) and it has kind of been weighing in the back of my mind if I'll have the same problems with the next girl I meet.

So in more of an effort to completely rid myself of porn, and ALL of the detrimental effects it has on our health, I am going to stay on track with this forum and try to have harder and firmer resolve and willpower. If anyone wants more support (I know I sure could use it) feel free to add me as a friend on Facebook or personal message me for anything. It'd be really nice to talk to some people in a similar situation as mine and offer each other support.
 
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MattyB

Member
So I'm 5 days in so far and still going. This is around the time I would cave, but I feel I have a good handle on it now. I've had a few strong urges to, but I've been able to turn them away saying to myself that these urges should be with a good woman, not a screen. Some pretty vivid sexual dreams as well.

Still going though, and feeling really good about it.
 
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MattyB

Member
Day 11 and still in it. This is the longest I've gone so far and plan on keeping it up forever. STILL having super crazy sexually vivid dreams, one this weekend where I actually PMO'd (in a porn shop nonetheless!) and was super devastated in my dream, but was a nice realization upon waking up.
 
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MattyB

Member
Day 16 now and still in it.

I've had some real strong urges lately, like last night after I woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking started to masturbate a little bit but stopped myself before getting too into it.
Still no porn viewing but was looking online at escort services tonight, thinking about testing the waters after I'm done my reboot, but thats just too much temptation to starting PMO or just MO again.

Back to hard mode, no touching myself except for bathroom. Going to get back into the gym next week so that will cut out most of my spare time after work.
 
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Yelashade

Member
Something I'd like to share with all of you is a technique I learned while in rehab years ago for my cocaine addiction. We we taught to recognize an 'addictive voice' in our minds that
tries to lead us back to relapse. "What will it hurt, one more?" "I can get away with just once" And other means of justifying it. Now furthermore, once you recognize that there is an addictive
voice in your mind, and trust me, there is - once you learn that, treat it like an entirely different person or personality, your addictive personality. Now make him out to be the most horrible, meanest, evil, ugliest personality you could ever imagine. No sane person would listen or want anything to do with him. Associate the negative impact his doing has had on your life and when
he voices his temptations, bring all of this to light and let it overpower him. This technique has been the strongest thing that has kept me away from cocaine over the years.
Click to expand...

This is pure gold. I'm going to try this to combat any future "relapses" I have. I need all the help I can get haha!

On the subject of your reboot, as you're only on a few weeks into your reboot, it's good to just go hardmode and focus on no touching and fantasy for the time being. Do that for at least a month or 2. It really does help curb your urges. It's good that you've identified these things and I hope you maintain it bro! Best of luck :)
 
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MattyB

Member
Thanks Yelashade, any support is greatly appreciated! :) I'm really ashamed at myself right now, that I've come to this, that I lost my girlfriend over this. It really sucks too because theres little more of what I'd like than to have a good woman by my side to be able to share life with. But first things first, and need to overcome this obstacle right now.
 
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Yelashade

Member
Haha that's no problem MattyB! Just make sure you keep yourself distracted and give yourself a purpose every single day. I know it's hard to do this, especially without the help of a woman to rewire with, but it's all about self discipline and using every ounce of strength you can to fight the addiction. Keep going my friend!
 
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MattyB

Member
I shall keep going my friend, I don't ever intend to watch porn again. I've overcome harder things than this, so I'm sure I will have a successful reboot and rewire.

How have you been finding your reboot? I notice you're at over 2 months yourself, way to go man! That's awesome!
 
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MattyB

Member
Well I had to reset my counter :( 17 days gone

I didn't watch porn though, just MO'd. I was tempting myself all day though looking up escorts, I knew I shouldn't have been doing it but I still did.

Nothing to do but get back on track and course.
 
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ogmc

Member
Hey MattyB

Don't sweat it buddy, we all go through relapses.  Especially if this is your first time making a big effort at rebooting.  Making it 17 days is really good!  Keep at it!
 
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