My Journal

[rodrigo_reboot]

Hello everyone and sorry for my english.

I am 33 yo and like most, I have been a heavy p user since my teenager years. For the last few years I have been strugling to stop it, but with litle success so far.
Last year I ended an engagement, had another relanshionship that ended badly and after that I came back to heavy use of p. I can use it for hours and hours.
I don't really have ED, but after heavy use, my libido is lowered, I have less motivation in general, mildly depression and I just feel like a worse version of myself. After binging sometimes I feel so miserable that I sometimes have suicidal toughts.

I also have no doubt that I am an addicted. The fact that even tough I try really hard to stop, I cannot stay away from it is proof enough.
For me it is extremely hard to stop it. I feel disgusted with myself for it. I consider myself a responsible and good person. I have a good carreer, a good job, I am an atractive guy and have no trouble in getting women or in life in general, but this addiction seems stronger than me. I used to binge drink sometimes in the past, but I was able to completely stop it. Just p seems stronger than me so far.

I met a woman and we seem to be really getting well together so far. Sex is great so far but I am using pills and I want stop it.
I have separated counts for p use and MO without P. I would like to stop it all, but I have to be realistic. Even If I fail to stop it all, if I just stop p and I am able to MO only a few times, that would still be better than no progress at all.

So here it goes another try!
Please, I really need any help you guys can lend me. I have to beat it. I can't believe something like that is stronger than me. This time failure is not a option.
Thanks everyone.

 

[bill8]

Hey TZ, welcome.  Have you been through the YourBrainOnPorn materials yet.  I recommend them, they will help you to understand better what you are dealing with.

Hang in there.  The dopamine use makes normal healthy stuff seem unexciting and can lead to depression IME. 

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Thanks cap. I have read everything on ybop but I guess I will read some stuff again to give more motivation.
Congrats on your streak man, it is amazing.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Just failed. It started with a I will just have a quick look. Then, well this girl is amazing, I will just look one video of her very fast... and then rationalization after rationalization I failed completely.
I am an addict, there is no secure use. I can't even start it.
I am very sad with myself but I wont let it become a binge. I failed once but I wont let it happen again.
Back to zero.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hey tzimisce,

I know you are feeling sad about the relapse, but I thought it was great that you observed how it happened so clearly: started with peeking, continued with rationalizations, and eventually went all the way to PMO.

Strong motivation + objective observation can lead you all the way to success.

Anyway, good luck, and hope you feel better soon... You can do this!

 

[arahant]

Hello tzimisce and welcome to the forum
I'm sorry for your relapse, don't beat yourself up, it's useless.
You need to find your own reasons you want to stay away from porn and have them very clear in your mind at every moment.
I personally am reading "The porn trap", which can be very useful.
Also, I would suggest you to commit to hard mode, no M at all, that's the only way in my opinion.
Stay strong and focused! I'm with you.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Thanks CrazyGopher and arahant for the words.

You people are right, I will stop MO too. Only way for me to go is real sex from now on.
My action planning to solve this problem is to set k9 filter again in my computer. I already have it installed, but I will write the password in some paper and let it and my workplace or give it to somebody.
I also am back to meditating daily. I was a zen buddhist practioner since my teen years. I have been away from the temple and from the most intense practices like the seshins, but I will get back to meditating daily.
I am also back to the gym. Started again today already.
I also will try to spend more time with the girl I am seeing. I think it can help too.

Here is hope for the first day of a new life.

 

[arahant]

Yes, tzimisce, spend more time with your girl is a great way to reconnect with her on a non-sexual level.
I would suggest to stay away from real sex too, at least for some time: some fantasies can creep very easily while having sex and fantasy is as bad as porn in my opinion.
k9 can only be the first practical step, but you need to strengthen your determination and get back in control.
Be strong and carry on!

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

One day since last relapse.
I woke up incredibly horny, I don't know why. Resisted the urge to MO. I will try to focus on my work today. I will also keep with the gym and meditation.
Last night on ex girl contacted me. She is trying to get back but I don't want too. The relationshipwith her was very complicated and somewaht painfull and in the end I think it contributed to my relapses and heavy use of P. I wont let her get back again, she is bad to me. I want to start anew, possibly with this girl that I am currently seeing or even by myself.
It is good to read other people journals too, it gives me more motivation.

 

[bill8]

Its good to meditate.  Keep that up.  Don't allow yourself to get pulled down by the negativity of a relapse.  Inspect and move forward.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Entering the third day. Last night felt a huge urge again. It is getting harder but I wont give up this time.

The girl I am seeing called me to go and stay at her place tonight. I think it is implied that we will be intimate. Some people suggest to also stop sex during reboot, right? I don't know how she would take this idea.
I also was using pills just to be sure so far. I think I will try without any pill this time. I don't know, I guess I will just stay with her and let things go naturally. If I don't feel like it at the time, I will just say that I would like to just be with her without sex. I don't know how she would take it too, cause we have being very sexual until now. I hope she does not freak out.
Let's see how it all goes, tomorrow I post updates. Wish me luck everyone.

 

[Midnight Rider]

Bonjour Tzimisce. Personally, I would avoid real sex or masturbation at our stage. It may be just me, but I can easily replay porn images in my head while having real sex or MO. So I guess the impact is the same as PMO. I also fear the chaser effect that could come the following days.

Keep strong, no matter what you choose to do.

 

[arahant]

Yes tzimisce, I would avoid sex for some time.
She will understand if she loves you.
Stay focused!

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Hi everyone. Thanks arahant and midnight rider for the advice. I don't know about the having sex during reboot thing. Sometimes I think that being with a real girl instead of pixels would be better to reconnect and reboot. But of course, I don't know, I wish there was a sure way or at least a cientifically sound best method for dealing with it. I guess i will have to try and see for myself.

I ended up having lot's of sex last night and it was reaaally good. We are very compatible in bed and I feel good about it. I think I will just let things go naturally, If I feel like having sex, I will do, if not I will just tell her not too. But last night we were together watching a movie in her place and it just felt right, we were both in the mood, so I tought it was no problem to do it.

Even tough we had lots of sex and I reached O a few times, I still woke up today very horny and remembering about last night. It is dangerous as it makes me want to MO remembering everything. Anyway I will resist it. I will go out with her again today, so I guess it will be easy to stay another day without PMO. I hope it does not hinder my reboot, because it feels good being around her, and I also feel less urges because of her I think. The fact that I am able to perform well with her also gives me confidence wich is good to keep pmo away.

Well, another day without pmo and I am really feeling good and happy today.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Had a relapse sunday.
Nothing else to do but start again. I will have to be more carefull with weekends and after sex.
So far going ok, not too much urges. I am already preapring myself to the weekend when it seems to be harder for me to stay away from it.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Going to the fourth day after the last relapse.
Feeling a litle down today. I am also a litle bit worried that I could enter in flatline and it could affect my new relationship.
Anyway, my focus must be in myself. I will keep strong, I hope to beat it once and for all.

 

[Midnight Rider]

Good call Tzimisce. You must indeed keep the focus on yourself and on your long term goals. And as Arahant said, if she loves you, she will understand.

By the way, I'm glad to see that you bounced back after your relapse. It shows your strength. Keep on !

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Day 5.
Thanks for the words Midnight Rider.
Feeling alright so far. Woke up well, felt a litle urge but was able to control.
The weekend is coming so I will prepare myself and put up strategyes to deal with it. I guess besides the usual, I will try to surround myself with friends and even with the girl I am seing. I guess human connection is good for the reboot.
About sex, I don't know. I guess I will just let it go with the flow. If I don't feel like it, I will just say it. If it naturally goes and happens, I will try to be cool about it too.
Last weekend, after sex, on sunday I ended up relapsing. Weekends are the hardest so I will double my efforts so I don't fail this time. I hope it all goes well.

 

[arahant]

Hello tzimisce,
as I said earlier, I would avoid sex.
If I'm not wrong, you're experiencing the chaser effect after sex and having troubles not relapsing in the days following intercourse. Am I wrong?
If so, you should definitely go hard mode