What is normal?

[Supercomeback]

Many guys trying to reboot, myself included, have no idea about what is "normal", meaning how do things work for non-addicts? I am thinking about love, connection, intimacy, sex, ED, relationship dynamics.
Maybe some of the SO's here have past experiences with partners who weren't addicted, or current experience with a man who has healed from addiction, or even having affairs to ease their pain out of anger or disappointment?

I think it would be interesting to get some insight on this, so we know what goal we are working towards
Any partners of rebooters willing to fill in?

 

[beautifulbreakdown]

I was just talking, well more having a tantrum/freak out/breakdown with my bf about this a few nights ago. Not about, but this was certainly a main topic.

Speaking about 'normal' past relationships for me. I have never actually been with anyone who watched porn. Maybe the odd time, but ive never known anyone who watched it a lot. It sounds naive "girl,  everyone watches porn". But its true. None of my previous bfs did. I was in a long term relationship for about 15 years before my current bf. My ex and i started dating then living together way before the boom of online porn. He was never much of a get on the computer and spend hours on it, so, porn? Nope. Never. Same with anyone previous to him. Online porn just wasnt a 'thing', like it is now. So i have to say every single past relationship, has had pretty great sex (other than the typical ones that just..well..suck ). Ive never ever come across anyone who had death grip...pied...de...Nothing like that. Wed make out, and it wouldnt even be a thought in my mind if things were going to work down there, it just always did unless there were the usual issues like drinking too much or something. It was all so much more natural. No thoughts of 'is he thinking of his fav porn scene, why does he need to look at me to get turned on etc' Being with someone who is so used to having that visual stimulation so much is so different. Previously, lights were barely on, they didnt have to see anything to be into it. Just touching kissing and being with eachother was enough.

To me, 'normal' is just that. Not needing anything but the person you love, beside you. And now, being with someone who is the complete opposite, has really skewed my intimate thoughts about him. As much as porn is always on the mind of the porn addict and you have to fight to not think about it, all these thoughts i have to force myself to not think about. Its not natural, like it always has been.

I know theres many other parts of relationships that non porn addicts  differ from addicts that are considered normal, but thats my one big issue that im dying to get back to normal.

 

[Steam rolled]

Beautiful your story is so similar to my second long term relationship out of the three that I've had in my life .
My first relationship I don't think now is the time to deeply get into the horror that yes did involve porn among physical emotional and myself being drugged and photographed by said porn addict thief a liar  also known as my first husband  I was young and very na?ve and damaged for life!

So anyways just like beautiful said about her relationship my 2nd ex never had a problem with porn he wasnt even interested  in other girls at all..... Even his guy friends couldn't believe  when he got in a relationship with me ,he pretty much thought of girls as annoying, lol and kind of a hang with the guys kinda guy.
Porn was never a subject or never fear or never a thought it was great our sex our friendship was great everything all around it just seem like the perfect world,  sometimes he would joke that we were like old people when we would just go places and sit and people watch and talk and just hold hands and laugh and have fun  really was my best friend along with my lover.

But then he got a very good job that was surrounded by bad neighborhoods  he had to travel to get home,  as close as we were of course we discussed that he had had a previous cocaine problem right before meeting me and decided to change his life because he loved me so much and knew I was the type of person that was not into that,  I wasn't informed right away but he did come to me for some reason I don't actually recall but the subject did come up and  like a real man should do he came to me and told me his deep dark secret.
So as our five years went on wonderful....on that one day a few days before Christmas needing to go get my layaway for Christmas gifts he couldn't resist passing through those neighborhoods  anymore I guess  so with his bonus check and his regular check he ended up stopping and getting high he was gone for days I thought he was dead had the police looking for him and everything ....come to find out  One day the demon got the best to him .
He spent all of our Christmas money on drugs.

I was devastated and so was he he cried and cried and cried and begged and begged and begged for forgiveness but  One thing I could never have gotten past was that he put my sons Christmas on the line and I will never let that happen again so I had only one alternative route to never happen again!!
I sent the love of my life packing get out of my life and I never looked back..... I couldn't look back I was crying and I refuse to  give another chance.

I imediately met my now current husband  and everything was great everything was better I was never going to get hurt again until that day on September 2012 he was introduced to the Internet ..... Bye bye perfect world  again.
The normal life just slowly and slowly got not so normal the close relationship  slowly became distance ,the sex got terrible,  going to bed without me got more frequent waking up early than normal for work,  taking showers with the door closed Everything in my life became a fog what the fuck is going on.
Porn was going on !!!!!
You see that's not a normal life -  porn and normal do not fit in the same sentence  in a relationship.

Slowly we are fixing it or should I say working on it because I honestly do not see a fix to this problem.  I just don't see it.  I'm willing to keep trying.
Unlike the others  in my life I'm not willing to give up yet but he himself knows from the past I will not tolerate being deceived ever again and I do not think anyone should ever have to be in a relationship where they are being deceived in any situation at all it's just not fair !

If you want to spend life in prison to porn stay in the cell by yourself I do not want to be your cellmate!!
Break free and things will become normal naturally.
My SO  been has been free for 19 months of porn and I just cannot begin to tell you the changes in him and our life together.  He's even better than the man that discovered it in 2012 because even before then ,  somehow somewhere it was in his life ... Now he has zero of it in his life his life is us he has esaped  that prison!!!!
And out of his mouth he feels a huge weight off of his shoulder!!

 

[beautifulbreakdown]

Its two completely different worlds, being with someone who is/was addicted to porn and someone who never was.
I said to my bf yesterday. We're both completely different people than who we were when we walked into this relationship. We both have different things driving us now..... fear, paranoia, jealousy and insecurity. And very much in an extreme way.
In such a short time of us being together we've become such different people, and not for the good. I didnt find any of those things taking over my thoughts when i was in 'normal' sexual relationships.

 

[Supercomeback]

Thank you Steam rolled and Beautifulbreakdown

I have been in a long term relationship where things were normalized and I reduced my porn watching at least a little bit. Even then I sometimes questioned our relationship, and had thoughts about other women. I honestly did not know that porn was harmful, as strange as this may sound. I was thought it is normal, and I did not see clearly that it was an addiction. Now i DO know it is an addiction, and i sure as hell know it is harmful on so many levels. This means I have absolutely no excuses to intentionally watch a single second of porn for the rest of my life. I am now going "hard mode", meaning I have to put my sexuality on hold for months. The feeling of loss is hard to bear. A man is very attached to his sexuality, and giving it up, even temporarily brings on the feeling of loss and emptiness. Facing these emotions is also a sign of recovery, and fills me with motivation. I choose to see this as an opportunity to work on other areas of my life while I wait for my brain to normalize itself. I have two persons in my circles who struggle with other problems, one with cancer and one with a different kind of addiction. Maybe it will help me take the focus away from myself if I make it a priority to be there for them?

I guess the biggest difference between being with a porn addict/former porn addict and a non-addict is that for the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your relationship) you can never really take your guard down. It will always be there in the shadows I guess. If the addict recovers, and stays clean, he will always be vulnerable to his former addiction if he allows himself to be. He must be committed for the rest of his life to stay the hell away from the poison that porn is.

 

[Steam rolled]

Congrats on your 32 day

Life gets better without that weight on your back, its over its all the same it gets you know where there is really NO REWARD in Porn!!

It may take time and you may have urges- fight them, who in there right mind WANTS something to have a hold of there everyday life
and especially there SEX life and happiness!!

Stick around we are here for you and you are more than welcome here in this section, us woman like & also need to hear it from the other side so we can help
and also be aware of whats going on, only a cruel person wants to see someone hurting so if 1 thing helps someone its a good thing.
We are here for each other, even though some things maybe said one may not agree with or like - there is a meaning and in this subject everyone has to have a open mind
in order to succeed!
We all dont have to agree.

 

[Supercomeback]

Thank you Steam Rolled! It is important to be reminded about how much it hurts to be with a porn addict. I will not forget what i have read in this section of the forum.

 

[Emerald Blue]

My relationship began a time when nobody had computers and very few people had VHS players. Porn just didn't figure in those early years. We learned about sex from each other's bodies and how we would respond to each other's touch. We were young, beautiful and in love. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful it felt. Sex was wonderful and exciting. As the years went by the sex remained just as exciting. Out love matured and sex became a deeply spiritual experience. Always exciting, always orgasmic. I know, and he knows, that what we had was special.

Porn didn't figure much prior to the internet. If he wanted porn he had to go out and buy it. The occasional magazine didn't have any impact on our sexual relationship. It was the internet that created the problems. He started downloading porn videos as soon as we had an internet connection. Almost straight away, his physical response seemed dampened down, he took longer, and his desire for sex, even during foreplay was reduced. Although the effects were subtle to begin with, I noticed a change. I didn't put it down to porn until I found it in his internet history. Sex became less frequent for the obvious reason. I'd plan a romantic weekend but he'd all porned out before it had even started. We still had sex and physically it was still good. My sexual frustration was at fever pitch sometimes which was probably why I could overlook his reduced physical response. When we were on a dialup modem there were limits on how much porn he could download. The real problems started with high speed internet which meant a limitless supply of streaming HD videos to watch in real time. By that stage, he would often have no sex drive whatsoever and no physical reaction at all to my touch. Delayed ejaculation became no ejaculation, frequently losing erection during sex. He would turn me down even though we'd not had sex in a long time. I had to do all the initiating, and then he'd end up not being able to finish, he'd lose his erection. It was heartbreaking for me.

My obvious reaction was that he was no longer interested in having sex with me. I knew he was using porn because he'd be on his computer with the door closed. He seemed to have plenty of interest and sex drive when it came to porn and nothing for me. I'd confronted him several times in the early days and nothing changed. From my point of view, I was over as far as his sexual interest was concerned. I had no more interest in sex if the best I could expect was a closed door and another refusal. It hurt so much because I never thought we would lose what we had. Something that had once been so beautiful and pure and precious had become tainted and polluted.

Everything that you read on YBOP and the effects on the brain of the viewer is absolutely correct. My partner knows he has fucked up his brain by his years of watching porn. I had no idea I was dealing with an addiction. I would never have guessed that porn can cause erectile dysfunction or could make men less interested in real sex.

Until last year I thought that I had no choice other than to accept and tolerate his porn use as I had been doing - unhappily - for years. I was miserable and very alone but I thought that if I wanted to be with him that's what I had to do. Now I know - and he knows too - that we are dealing with an addiction. There is no going back to the pre-internet days when he did not have a porn addiction. He's a porn addict in recovery. He's either an addict or a recovering addict. And how I miss those days of innocence and freedom. It was a time of wonderful, beautiful sex. And that's why this addiction breaks my heart.