This is my experience so far by means of comparison. I'm still in the first year. Emotional roller coaster ride doesn't come close.
At the outset, I had a vision of what progress would look like. I assumed we'd talk openly and he'd answer my questions honestly and accurately, that some degree of accountability of his internet activities would be reasonable and that he could talk to me about his own difficult feelings. I thought we'd both work towards a common goal which would be to beat this problem and reconnect. I expected reassurance and some degree if understanding.
It hasn't quite been as expected. From the get go, he was not forthcoming about his behaviour at all. When I asked my questions he usually lied. I had to do my own detective work to learn what I did and even then he'd deny it all or feign memory loss. I found myself in the old trickle-truth predicament. He was frequently obstructive and would explode in anger if I questioned him about some of his viewing habits, and even if I discovered past evidence of viewing porn subs.
In fact, he couldn't talk about his porn behavior at all without becoming moody and angry and would blame me for not letting it go. He insisted that it was all in the past and I was the one who was not letting it go and who was "obsessed". At other times he'd feel intense guilt and shame which would sort of freeze his ability to communicate.
From starting out being sympathetic towards me he seemed to become angry at me. In fact, he would be very angry at me and fly into a rage if I asked him any questions he didn't want to answers.
As a consequence, we lost the connectedness that we were forging. The process was fractured by my discovery of p sub material after our d day. He was very angry, refused to answer my questions, told me that he didn't know what I was talking about and flew into a rage. Not only that, he demanded to know how I found out (just like old times so he could cover his tracks). I was utterly devastated by his reaction. He isn't a violent man but the intensity of his rage was like being punched in the stomach. My bodily reaction was one of shock and I felt traumatised It seemed ridiculously out of proportion to some stupid porn sub crap. Seriously, it just wasn't worth it. His extreme reaction was what did the damage. If he admitted to it he would have prevented so much upset. I can't describe the state of shock and distress I was in. I still feel a bit traumatised by the memory of it.
After that episode I suppose I just wanted to protect myself from any further hurt. Sexually I just lost everything we'd been working towards. I became less interested and I lost the ability to orgasm. I haven't recovered from it. I guess the brain/mind has its own defence mechanism.
One thing that was very difficult, especially after his lying and, later on, his raging at me, was the damage to my ability to trust.
To his credit, he has been resolute about so far is his decision to quit porn. So far so good, but with my inability to orgasm and my interest in sex much reduced after the p sub - and that was months ago, he has become less interested in sex. I suspect he has resumed masturbation (without porn) although he'd never admit to it if he did. I asked him to tell me - in the context of his recovery from porn and in agreement to be more open about sex and our sexual needs - but I know he'd never tell me. He's also been talking about being vulnerable to relapse. He seems more resigned to that possibility whereas before he was determined to keep away. Whether that's a danger sign or it's actually an admission that he has an addiction that he must always take steps to prevent going back to it, I don't know.
I've come a long way. The harsh realities are that he's fundamentally dishonest about his own acting out behavior, even if it's in the past. Despite initial promises I can detect the old patterns of non-communication and non-disclosure emerging. If I'm distressed about issues affecting my own recovery from his porn addiction he doesn't reassure me. I also suspect that there are aspects of his past acting out behaviors that he has not admitted to and has no intention. All this is rather upsetting, but I am still determined to move through these difficulties.
I have made a lot of progress though. I have my own recovery work to get on with. I have arranged help and support for myself. Writing my posts here also helps me work through my own feelings and experiences and it is comforting to know I am not alone. I have let go of my anger although I still feel it in waves that pass quickly so it's no big deal. I know he has an addiction and that it was not a reflection on me. I know that he used porn as a coping strategy that was ultimately damaging and unhelpful. I don't have all the answers. I have good weeks and bad weeks. It's never straightforward. It never goes smoothly and it's never what you expect. And utterly draining and exhausting too.
