Suicidal thoughts over and over

M

mylaststand

Member
Hi guys,
I think it's being for me 60 or 65 days aprox without PM...
I would say I'm managing the craving of watching P and M, more or less ok. I had strong cravings a couple of days ago, but I managed to resist to watch or do anything.

The thing is, I have a really big depression it's hitting me really hard. I started going out with some girl, which I like alot and I'm probably inlove, we did have sex a few times and it didn't go too bad, my main problem is that we are in distance relationship and for me it's a big emotional stress, she is also very attractive and has many other guys in her phone fb, etc... We are not long together, just 2 months. I'm not really sure what to do. I don't know if I should finish this relationship and go hardmode or try to continue with it. I feel very sad she not being near and also regardless I told her I have a bit of ED, I don't know if hardmode would do better for me. If I leave her, I'm very week emotionally I would probably feel very sad, maybe relapse or even worst kill myself. I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts lately Iife its loosing the meaning because I can't really enjoy a relationship and also depression insomnia an no morning wood for I don't know how long. Anyway, I'm just expressing a bit.
 
Boaconstricted

Boaconstricted

Active Member
Well, I'm 117 days into no fapping/sexting/edging/porn reboot; next to zero MWs; 12 orgasms with partners (7 over last two months) with a hard mode of just under 2 months inbetween. Crucifyingly slow, two-step-forward-one-step-back progress which I'm beginning to seriously doubt is necessarily gonna result in recovery anymore (I'm not sure I believe it's possible but I've just run out of options after getting the medical all clear from having bloods done ). Basically, I don't seem to be able to get more than one working stiff a week at mo', one O and I'm flatlining for week or more again. I'm also fighting a longterm diagnosis of a personality disorder and cravings for booze, whacky backy and just plain backy which are amplified exponentially by the despair I feel at this seemingly interminable reboot. All whilst trying to stay positive and not ef up a new love affair, the most promising in four years. It feels like I'm at war with myself and war with my body with no end in sight. Sometimes we just have to coast, my brother, be  the coasting version of the dew that flies suicidal to paraphrase Plath. If this recovery ever kicks in, I know one thing for sure: I certainly won't see orgasms as an eternal fountain of kicks for free ever again. I've learned my lesson. Please stop punishing me now, body.
 
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