Rebuilding the trust and love and ultimately peace in a relationship

[need_help]

Hi

While rebooting seems to be focussed on the individual rebuilding their lives, there is is also the relationships that needs to be be rebuilt. In my case my case rebuilding the relationship was the most important thing. My wife was devastated when she find out about my addiction, it shattered her perception of our marriage. Because I managed to hide it from her for so long she questioned everything I had done for her, she questioned my love for her (still does sometimes), she no longer trusts me and believes she will never be able to trust me 100% again because of the lies I said to hide my addiction. I've stopped PMO, I've even stopped looking at women (other then my wife) in entirety.
She also is convinced that I'm no longer attracted to her (since the ED started), which is not the case.
Is there anyone here that has gone through something similar?
Do things just get better over time?
What else can I do reassure her?

 

[Gracie]

Well yes, if you take time to read the posts here, all of we women have went through dealing with the news.  I felt much like your wife.  We are 2 years past my discovering his use.  I questioned the hiding.  That was a big deal, the lying, the secrecy.  We ordered the book "Love You, Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain.  He also has a blog by the same name.  My husband and I read the book separately and marked the passages that we really wanted the other to know about and then went through it together.  We also read the blog all the tabs and all the archives. 

We came up with a daily routine to comfort both of us.  We hug and kiss and have full body hugs in the morning.  arWe kiss good bye and hello each and every time we are apart (Yes even going to the grocery store).  We eat lunch together.  We sit by each other at home and everywhere else we go.  Even in restaurant booths.  We hold hands.  At night we go to bed at the same time.  No one gets out of bed in the night to go to another room.  When we go to bed we have full body hugs and kisses before sleep. We spooned and made sure our bodies were touching in the night.  We had to think about it at first, but now it is natural.  All of that was to benefit our bonding.  It works.

Every time we talked about this, we made sure we were touching each other.  I had anger so sometimes I would pull away, but he pulled me back.  He would tell me he wasn't going anywhere over and over.  We got rid of all paid tv.  That helped a lot.  No computer after 9 pm. (for either of us)  We texted and texted and texted.  I needed a lot of reassurance.  It is possible for her to trust you again.  But for me the routine let me know it would be possible.

 

[need_help]

Gracie,

I did buy and read the book by Mark Chamberlain. It made alot of sense to me, however there was one part of the book which my wife took really, really bad, making me feel that the book actually made things worse, so I deleted it from my kindle.

We already have started doing alot of the things you mention. I never leave the house without kissing her etc.

 

[tj]

This is a difficult one, the trust issue is surely the thing. Obviously love is there or she wouldn't  be don't you think?  You have recognized your addiction and are working to eradicate it from your life and the marriage.  If you are doing the best you can that's all a mule can do,  there comes a time when we need to sit down and take inventory of our lives.  In a marriage, it's 2 totally different people that decide to build a life together and travail life's joys and pain together. The key here is "totally different" people, each has their own feelings, opinions, desires etc. but at the altar they vow "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer" and and profess to GOD and each other, "I do".  It does not take long for reality to hit home does it!  The years mount up, the joys come as well as the sorrows.  External forces attack the marriage from every angle, work, kids, spiritual conflicts so on and so on. But if there is love and commitment the marriage will last.  As a couple we need to look at all the joy the marriage has brought and weigh it against the sorrows and ask ourself, "Is this marriage worth saving?"  If one partner causes pain to the other but makes a genuine effort to change and proves it by future behavior then the injured partner needs to forgive, not necessarily forget.  Forgiveness is paramount for the injured partner's own well being.  But in situations like these the injured partner needs to assess whether they have had a good marriage or not and either reach out to help your fallen spouse or tell them it's over, don't make yours or their lives unhappy, life is too short.  The post of Solitary Canary on how they handle their problem warmed my heart so much, their love pulled them through and I bet those two are the happiest couple in the world today. 

 

[Rainiegirl]

I am probaly a lot like your wife in the way I feel. I find this all very painful and hard to understand. I can't see myself turning to anything other then my partner and I would never lie to him because I love him too much to do anything to hurt him. I think the hardest part of all this is that I always assumed that he felt the same. I spent years believing this, so when I found out differently it was like all those years were a lie. I questioned whether I realy knew the man I was with at all.
What has helped me was to start over. I had to forget the past (the good and bad) and start fresh. My thoughts and feelings for my SO are based on the things he does now. How he treats me now. This isint just a reboot for his brain, it's a reboot for our relationship.
The concepts in love you hate the porn are good ones. Extra care and attention helps a lot. Have deep heartfelt conversations. Tell her you love her all the time. Be overly affectionate in a non sexual way. Ask her how she is feeling often. Tell her how your feeling too. If you havent expressed your understanding of the pain this has caused her than you need to do so. It does get better but it's going to take time and dedication.

 

[Rainiegirl]

Here is an article you may want to read on how p addiction affects many wives.
http://nationalpsychologist.com/2012/07/partners-of-sex-addicts-need-treatment-for-trauma/101713.html

 

[Bibbity]

I can 100% relate to your wife, as we all can.  The trust is the hardest thing to get back and even now a year and a half later it's not fully back.  But it's a lot better and it simply takes time.  My husband being committed to being honest with me about everything has helped.  There were times in recovery when he chose to tell white lies to "spare my feelings" but it always ended badly.  My intuition always knew when he was lying.  Since he's made the commitment to be honest no matter what things have gotten better.  I know I can ask him anything now and get the truth, no matter how painful.

I look back on my marriage and see it as two separate entities, the one before I found out and the one after.  I am not the same...we are not the same.  Mostly we are better than ever before!!  I do still struggle with my self esteem but it's getting better.  Like tj mentioned the commitment to change from my husband is the reason I am still with him.  I agree with everything already said as well.  Just keep going forward.

 

[tj]

Bibity, good for you.  If your husband is trying to change and his behavior reflects this then give him a chance. Try not to allow your inner doubts to cast a shadow over your household and make everyone uncomfortable.  When momma isn't happy noone is happy as the saying goes and that's true.  Your idea of starting all over, pre and after the fact is a good approach.  You can heal if you keep scratching your wounds raw.  What a complicated mess, our emotions.

 

[Bibbity]

You can heal if you keep scratching your wounds raw

For me I had to keep scratching at the old wound in order to get the infection out.  Once the infection was gone it was able to heal properly.  That is basically a metaphor for feeling your emotions fully and not pretending they aren't there.  We had the same conversations over and over and over and with my husbands patience we were able to work through it a little at a time.  At first he would cower, get angry and not want to talk.  He couldn't stand to feel guilty.  When I explained that I needed him to be strong so I could process my emotions about everything, things got much better.  When your wife blows up, gets angry and rages, it is important that you hold yourself in your masculine and be strong for her.  Listen to her, hold her etc.  Let her process.  It's not about you, it's about her in that moment being vulnerable about her pain.

 

[tj]

"At first he would cower, get angry and not want to talk", Bibbity, such an accurate description of how most husbands who find themselves in this situation react.  "cower", the realization of discovery is a sobering slap to most men, especially the ones who do love their wives deeply but have done a stupid thing. for a man to cower is the ultimate shame, a natural defensive emotion is striking back in anger.  Think back ladies how you responded immediately upon discovery of your husband's activities and your immediate words were to him.  Between our hearts and mind is our tongue and we all sometimes put our mouths in action before putting our minds in gear and unthoughtful words can never be taken back. Our tongues are a double edged sword.  There is never anything settled in anger,  once a person gets angry any meaningful discussion is over, no sense in continuing it.  Counting to 10, breathing into a paper  bag are common things said to do before saying another word.
Bibbity your advice "When I explained that I needed him to be strong so I could process my emotions about everything, things got much better.  When your wife blows up, gets angry and rages, it is important that you hold yourself in your masculine and be strong for her.  Listen to her, hold her etc.  Let her process.  It's not about you, it's about her in that moment being vulnerable about her pain." is right on.  Both partners need to slow down and don't let our emotions override our minds.  As Bibbity cites, let your wife rage, be strong for the both of you, don't "cower" like a whipped puppy, be responsible and realize you hurt your wife.  Step out of yourself and direct all your attention towards her.  And wives, it's a two way street, step out of yourselves, try to forgive him, you don't have to forget but forgiveness is necessary before, if wanted, any healing can take place.
Remind yourself, the man you fell in love with is still there, try to give him a chance to come back. 

 

[tj]

This topic is personal to me, and of course you know, "It's all about me", not really!  I get a flashback of a line in a John Wayne movie, Big Jake, where towards the end Richard Boone says to John Wayne, "Your fault, my fault, nobody's fault, makes no difference, the boy is going to die."
The scenario I get from this is; wife says to husband, "You are watching porn and I am not, it is is your fault we're having trouble, not mine!"  I see husband says to wife " I watch porn because you are depriving me of sex, it is your fault we're having trouble, not mine!" 
Regardless, the ultimate loser in these scenarios is our relationship. 
Your fault, my fault, no body's fault", we as couples need to quit pointing fingers and trying to place blame.  Rather we need to recognize the relationship has a problem and fall back on the commitment we made to each other so many years ago.  Were we genuine with each other way back then and are both willing to move this obstacle or did we get married in a fever and have just been enduring all these years?  Maybe a thought that should be considered don't you think?  As for myself I have answered that question to myself, I am going to try to win my wife's love and trust back with love and patience, I hope I succeed before waking up dead someday!  I hope and pray for all you out there going through the same situation.

 

[Bibbity]

I definitely think every couple is different and I had to really look at why my husband was masturbating instead of having sex with me.  I was always available for my husband and never withheld sex from him (I just like it too much!) but his unreliable erections were eroding his self esteem and so he turned more to M.  Soon the pain of a failed erection made him not even approach me for sex.  This helped me not blame him so much.  He had a very immature way to deal with his problems but I can have compassion for him.

 

[tj]

Sad situation, never experienced ED, can't even imagine the effect it'd have on me.  Your compassion for him is a true sign of your love for him.  Stepping out of yourself is what love in a relationship is about, at least you know he's mo'ing and why.  His handling of his condition must be trying on you. "Your fault, my fault, nobody's fault" certainly pertains here but sadly the strain on your relationship suffered.  If you are aware of his mo'ing, was just the porn viewing he was hiding that hurt you?  Maybe too nosy, sorry.  Yes, each couple's situation is different, let's all pray for each other.  btw:  Are you old enough to know who John Wayne and Richard Boone even are?

 

[Bibbity]

I'm in my 30's so I know who they are but I never watched them!!

When he was having issues with ED I had asked him to stop MOing just to see if it would help.  He told me he would but he didn't do it.  I was under the impression he was trying to work on our sex issues but he wasn't.  After another failed attempt at sex I asked him point blank if he was still MOing and he confessed.  I was so angry because all this time I was under the impression he was trying and that MOing wasn't the problem.  It wasn't so much about the porn/fantasy as it was about the fact that he didn't care that I was going without sex.  I married this man so he was my only sex option but yet he was choosing to M instead.  I was in a very tough spot as I didn't want to cheat but desperately wanted sex.  I hope you can understand my frustration.

If you step outside yourself how might your wife be feeling?

 

[tj]

"I hope you can understand my frustration."
Ashamedly I do now, I apologize so deeply. I can feel your frustration now that I know the whole story.  I hope and pray your situation improves for both your sakes.  Again, I aplogize.

 

[Bibbity]

No need to apologize!  We are all friends here 

Our situation has greatly improved and we are over a year into recovery.  We have great sex around 4x a week and are closer than ever.  All the pain and hurt was well worth it.

 

[tj]

Thank you, you are right, we are all friends here, the closest!  I am so glad you and your husband are doing so well.  It appears your commitment to each other is paying off in this personal part of your life together.  Patience, patience and commitment is the key here, thank you for being here with all of us.