signing in again

[hopeful]

well, here I am again !
October 2015 , i wrote the last post here on RN, when I was giving some advice and good words to another struggler.
Now I am the one who needs all the help he can get, AGAIN !
Yes, I relapsed, and hit rockbottom. Same situation I got into a couple of times before. Began watching the porn channel on tv.
Tv's, laptops, and my phone are blocked with a code, to prevent me, from getting access to porn. I did ask my wife to block it, and that did the job for a long time, until now. I got past the code and watched porn again. Denial, lying, and lot's and lot's of pain and grief followed, when my wife confronted me with my behavior. Right now I feel like a monster, doing these things to my wife, especially because we've been here a couple of times before, and I promised , never to do this again.
My wife is on the verge of giving up on me, betrayed her just too many times. All the trust, love and affection are out the door right now.
She said, if it wasn't for the kids, I left you already, cause I can't cope anymore!
I just do not understand WHY I still am ready to throw it all away, and risking to lose everything, in order to get that stupid dopamine rush.
Lost all faith right now, and am desperate.
I don't know , but maybe it helps to connect with you here on RN again.

Thanks for reading !

 

[Robert2.0]

Hopful,

Reading your post was very difficult for me. It was as if you were describing my struggle with PMO addiction. I too have caused my wife so much pain and heartache because of my addiction. This is day 36 for me in Hard Mode. I have not attempted reboot before but have known about this site and the reboot process. My situation is similar to yours in that my wife has come to the end of her ability to cope with my behavior. She went so far as to file for divorce online, left the papers on the coffee table with a sticky note saying "read and if you agree with the terms sign. We are done". I have not signed them. We are however separated because of it. You mentioned desperation in your post. I hope you will be able to overcome this feeling and seek guidance in learning how to forgive yourself so you can approach recovery with a positive frame of mind. Desperation is fueled by guilt, shame and fear. All these feelings can be obstacles in your recovery. I mention this because I have struggled with this very situation. As coincided as it may sound, recovery has to be all about you.  Yes, you want to end the madness of the addiction and somehow ease the pain it has caused others in your life. But in the end it is your willingness and desire to change your life and rid yourself of the demon that is PMO addiction that has brought you here today. I congratulate you for coming back here. It is the right decision. I look forward to reading about your progress on your journey to a new you.

We can do this!

 

[Gabriel1960]

I grew up in a household where we would celebrate weight loss by having an ice cream sundae.  No joke.

Why not celebrate one month of freedom from PMO by engaging in PMO?  That's my sick mind for you.  I've actually been on hard mode this past week because my spouse has been in Florida this week visiting relatives.  It goes back to the old Airplane! movie joke: "I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

I'll be OK today.  One day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. 

Gabriel