bleepurchin
New Member
Hi guys,
I?m a 35 year old gay guy living in London and this is my first post. I?d like to talk about a recent awakening to my porn addiction and along the way draw attention to a growing scene in London that I believe has arisen as a direct result of the abuse of pornography - the gay 'chill-out? or sex party.
Recently I came to realise that I had PIED. I had known for a looong time that something wasn?t right with how I was experiencing sex. To be honest ever since I can remember, I have had issues with sex in relationships - long and short term - where I just wasn?t getting hard with a partner and I just wasn?t really connecting intimately with that person. Over the years I didn?t know what was wrong and struggled to know where to turn for help so I ignored it ...and carried on whacking it to porn to get my sexual kicks. I must have had many a short term relationship that has fizzled out because of the lack of sexual connection. It?s left me with a lower self esteem and a feeling of inadequacy. I find it hard not to compare myself with some people around me who don?t seem to have the same issues with maintaing a functional relationship.
I came out of a two year relationship about a year ago. The relationship was sexless - at least it was sexless for me. It was all about him getting off. However, I pretended it didn?t matter to me that I wasn?t even vaguely turned on by it... I just kept ignoring my issue and refusing to talk about it with him? I had no idea what was wrong or what to even say about it. The relationship ended for various reasons but the frustration of not having any sexual release for almost two years (aside from jacking off to porn) resulted in me getting on grindr and meeting a different guy almost every night for a about a month. I found I could get hard for random guys especially if they had some G or Mephadrome. I?ve come to realise now that the excitement of the chase, the newness of each experience and the drugs was akin to clicking for the next clip of porn when you have high speed broadband. I was using the same areas of my brain with this sex. The thing was, none of these encounters were truly connective experiences. I was completely disconnected from pretty much all of the guys In met. I?d be happy if they had porn on or if there was a mirror? because of course watching yrself in a mirror is another screen right!?
I live in London and I know loads of gay guys who are stuck in a destructive cycle of sex and drugs. 'Chem sex' parties are the norm for many young guys in this city. Apps like Grindr have made it so easy to meet up for sex and sex on drugs in pairs or larger groups is become more and more common. The intense pleasure that can be had sexually on drugs such as GBL and Mephadrone is hard to deny and more and more guys are doing it. Some guys seem perfectly happy with the odd moment of experimentation with these drugs but many guys are falling into patterns where sometimes whole weekends for months on end can be lost in the pursuit of this sexual thrill. The drugs keep you horny and they keep you awake and they keep you looking on Grindr for more guys to play with.
I myself have been to sex parties and know how intoxicating sex can be on drugs. However, whilst I may have enjoyed the experience once or twice I find it has little lasting positive appeal.
What forced me to face my issue was when I got back to regular dating recently. It had been a while since I had dated anyone and I thought I?d have a go and see how it felt. The dating and getting to know each other part is a no brainer? I?m pretty good socially. But sure enough the time came for sex and ? no boner. I was faced with it again? unsurprising maybe but no less crushing. I went home after a thoroughly humiliating lack of action with a really hot guy and got to searching on google for answers.
When I finally discovered this website and the other recently published books and videos etc, on the one hand I was relieved but on the other I was saddened and frustrated by how obvious the cause of my sexual problems was. WHY was this not made more apparent sooner, I screamed at my laptop!? This is by far and away the most frustrating part of it for me. Why is this not all over the 6 o?clock news - where is the mainstream on this??
I can not remember when I ever jacked off without porn? I?m 35 and it scares me to think that I have been abusing my brain for around 20 years with pornography. I can absolutely say that I will never watch porn again and this isn?t something I doubt or need to keep a check on. The thing I need to watch out for is Grindr and the need to run off and shag some random guy when I?m feeling bored or in need of a quick hi. It?s the same neuro pathways in the brain being used right (am genuinely curious to know)??
Anyway, I don?t see many gay guys on this site? I?d be fascinated to know if anything I?ve said resonates with anyone. I know I am surrounded by guys in similar places here in London, I meet them all the time and some of them are my friends but I can?t say I know anyone who has come to the realisations I have over the last month or so. I don?t think guys are even aware of how much damage they?re doing to themselves? porn is still normal and is still not an issue. I?m very frank with my friends about my issue. In the same way I hope to talk to you guys online, I find talking openly about it keeps me focussed and less likely to mess up.
I look forward with hope that the changes I?m making in my life will make a difference. It?s hard to imagine how I?m going to feel if I do finally achieve true intimacy with someone? I don?t think I have ever had that sort of connection for the entirety of my adult life? how many guys can say that? That?s what hurts the most I guess? not knowing such a basic human pleasure and not knowing if my brain is capable of rewiring into a state it has seemingly never been in before.
Thanks for reading? I know it was long. I look forward to your comments.
Luke.
I?m a 35 year old gay guy living in London and this is my first post. I?d like to talk about a recent awakening to my porn addiction and along the way draw attention to a growing scene in London that I believe has arisen as a direct result of the abuse of pornography - the gay 'chill-out? or sex party.
Recently I came to realise that I had PIED. I had known for a looong time that something wasn?t right with how I was experiencing sex. To be honest ever since I can remember, I have had issues with sex in relationships - long and short term - where I just wasn?t getting hard with a partner and I just wasn?t really connecting intimately with that person. Over the years I didn?t know what was wrong and struggled to know where to turn for help so I ignored it ...and carried on whacking it to porn to get my sexual kicks. I must have had many a short term relationship that has fizzled out because of the lack of sexual connection. It?s left me with a lower self esteem and a feeling of inadequacy. I find it hard not to compare myself with some people around me who don?t seem to have the same issues with maintaing a functional relationship.
I came out of a two year relationship about a year ago. The relationship was sexless - at least it was sexless for me. It was all about him getting off. However, I pretended it didn?t matter to me that I wasn?t even vaguely turned on by it... I just kept ignoring my issue and refusing to talk about it with him? I had no idea what was wrong or what to even say about it. The relationship ended for various reasons but the frustration of not having any sexual release for almost two years (aside from jacking off to porn) resulted in me getting on grindr and meeting a different guy almost every night for a about a month. I found I could get hard for random guys especially if they had some G or Mephadrome. I?ve come to realise now that the excitement of the chase, the newness of each experience and the drugs was akin to clicking for the next clip of porn when you have high speed broadband. I was using the same areas of my brain with this sex. The thing was, none of these encounters were truly connective experiences. I was completely disconnected from pretty much all of the guys In met. I?d be happy if they had porn on or if there was a mirror? because of course watching yrself in a mirror is another screen right!?
I live in London and I know loads of gay guys who are stuck in a destructive cycle of sex and drugs. 'Chem sex' parties are the norm for many young guys in this city. Apps like Grindr have made it so easy to meet up for sex and sex on drugs in pairs or larger groups is become more and more common. The intense pleasure that can be had sexually on drugs such as GBL and Mephadrone is hard to deny and more and more guys are doing it. Some guys seem perfectly happy with the odd moment of experimentation with these drugs but many guys are falling into patterns where sometimes whole weekends for months on end can be lost in the pursuit of this sexual thrill. The drugs keep you horny and they keep you awake and they keep you looking on Grindr for more guys to play with.
I myself have been to sex parties and know how intoxicating sex can be on drugs. However, whilst I may have enjoyed the experience once or twice I find it has little lasting positive appeal.
What forced me to face my issue was when I got back to regular dating recently. It had been a while since I had dated anyone and I thought I?d have a go and see how it felt. The dating and getting to know each other part is a no brainer? I?m pretty good socially. But sure enough the time came for sex and ? no boner. I was faced with it again? unsurprising maybe but no less crushing. I went home after a thoroughly humiliating lack of action with a really hot guy and got to searching on google for answers.
When I finally discovered this website and the other recently published books and videos etc, on the one hand I was relieved but on the other I was saddened and frustrated by how obvious the cause of my sexual problems was. WHY was this not made more apparent sooner, I screamed at my laptop!? This is by far and away the most frustrating part of it for me. Why is this not all over the 6 o?clock news - where is the mainstream on this??
I can not remember when I ever jacked off without porn? I?m 35 and it scares me to think that I have been abusing my brain for around 20 years with pornography. I can absolutely say that I will never watch porn again and this isn?t something I doubt or need to keep a check on. The thing I need to watch out for is Grindr and the need to run off and shag some random guy when I?m feeling bored or in need of a quick hi. It?s the same neuro pathways in the brain being used right (am genuinely curious to know)??
Anyway, I don?t see many gay guys on this site? I?d be fascinated to know if anything I?ve said resonates with anyone. I know I am surrounded by guys in similar places here in London, I meet them all the time and some of them are my friends but I can?t say I know anyone who has come to the realisations I have over the last month or so. I don?t think guys are even aware of how much damage they?re doing to themselves? porn is still normal and is still not an issue. I?m very frank with my friends about my issue. In the same way I hope to talk to you guys online, I find talking openly about it keeps me focussed and less likely to mess up.
I look forward with hope that the changes I?m making in my life will make a difference. It?s hard to imagine how I?m going to feel if I do finally achieve true intimacy with someone? I don?t think I have ever had that sort of connection for the entirety of my adult life? how many guys can say that? That?s what hurts the most I guess? not knowing such a basic human pleasure and not knowing if my brain is capable of rewiring into a state it has seemingly never been in before.
Thanks for reading? I know it was long. I look forward to your comments.
Luke.
