A New Journal

[joe_ireland]

I have struggled with porn since I was a teenager. I  previously managed give up porn for just under 4 months at the end of 2014. Then I gave in. I was on this site for a while in 2015 and struggling with temptation. I eventually got rid of my computer and gave up porn for 3 months, after which I gave in again. I would go for periods without looking at porn and then give in under stress. I need a computer for my work; so I decided that I need to make a fresh start and commitment. So here I am again.

I am a thirty year old man who has recently started training to be a Catholic priest. That means that romantic relationships with women is no longer an option for me. I guess in one way this makes staying away from porn more difficult, but it also makes the task perhaps more urgent: if I cant stay away from porn then my life as a celibate man is a lie. I don't usually like sharing details of my spiritual life but I can only say that it is because of the experience of God's merciful love that I am here; the desire to know Christ and to know other people as they truly are, and not as I objectify them in my mind. I certainly cannot do this without God's help, although it will take a lot of work on my part. I had a strong religious experience this Holy Thursday and since then I have recommitted myself to stay off porn.


I know that so often in the past I became complacent after giving up porn for a period of time. I believed I had finally arrived. Pride always comes before a fall. I know that I can probably never hope to be complacent about the temptation of pornography; it will always be somewhat of a temptation for me.

However in the periods of time that I have been free of it I have felt more alive, happier, freer, less withdrawn. The call to chastity, to see and love other men and women as they truly are, is a lifelong task but it is one that will allow us to grow and become the men we are called to be; to be fully alive.

I have prayed for the people on this site and will continue to pray for all of you. Good luck to you all.

 

[motojunky]

Joe,

Welcome back. Encouraged to here that you are seeking God and want to know him more. Please be encouraged that you are not alone. We all fall of the wagon. My last 3 month stint was just before my brothers suicide in 2014. So I can understand things happen in life that when you are not ready or prepared, you will fall into it like it was given to you. So ... be encouraged and hold fast to the faith in which the Lord has given you. Not by your power but by his. The battle is at hand the devil is like a roaring lion. Remember that God gives freedom, but the dragon you have fed will follow you in expectation for more food. Hope to hear from you as you continue in this.

 

[zacfoo]

Hey Joe,

Glad you are here. And happy that you are committing your life to God in this way. I, too, was preparing for a life in ministry while nurturing my P addiction. I was honest enough with myself to choose between the two and not be a professional hypocrite. Unfortunately, I chose the P and have struggled with it since then for the past 10 years. That was my decision though. I'm glad you too are being honest, and I commend you for choosing the righteous path of nofap. There are an amazing number of Christian resources out there pertaining to a life free of P and I recommend you check them out. I have found though that the practical side of the reboot is sorely lacking in these books/websites. That's why I'm here. This site and YBOP make up the practical side of this process, as I pray and develop my relationship with God on the spiritual side.

God bless, my friend; stay strong and know from whom your strength comes.

 

[joe_ireland]

Motojunky,
Thanks for your very helpful comments. So often I have in the past believed that I had 'arrived' and that this stuff was no longer a problem for me. This breeds a kind of arrogance, and all it takes is for some unforeseen event to knock me off my game and suddenly I find myself back in the mire of addiction. There is no place for complacency when struggling with something like this. 

Zacfoo,
Thanks for sharing something of your story. I agree with you that there is often a lack of resources that really address the practical side of chastity. There often seems to be a perception that prayer is enough, without backing up prayer with practical actions. Now I am sure there are some people who have overcome addiction through prayer, but for most of us a lot of other things are needed. There is often a lack of awareness of how deep-seated p addiction can be, and how pervasive it is in our society today. Young people who are trying to live chastely need more than exhortations to pray harder. This was my experience over the years.
Despite that, as both you and Motojuncky said: it is essential to know where ones strength comes from. If I rely purely on my own strength I wouldn't last a week.

 

[pinkerton]

"Young people who are trying to live chastely need more than exhortations to pray harder."
Absolutely right.

 

[joe_ireland]

Twenty six days so far. I have been fairly preoccupied with different projects these past few weeks so that temptation has not been a major problem, although it is starting to get stronger in the last few days. I came to post online here because a part of my brain has been arguing with me today that I should look at or read some 'innocent' girly material as an alternative to p. Of course I know where that will end. In the short time I have spent writing this the insistent voice in my head has already died down a good deal. I just need to be on my guard the next few hours and day or two.

 

[joe_ireland]

Back to zero. I find that its not a good thing for me to be on this website for long or late at night. its a great way for people to share their stories and receive and show support to each other; however for myself too much thought of p. just isnt what I need.
Onward and upward!

 

[motojunky]

joe ... I hear what you are saying. Have to stay focused and not let even this site become a trigger. You seem to be having a good attitude and willing to fight. That is a lot of what is needed for freedom in this. Like you said ... "Onward and Upward"

 

[Philgood63]

Glad to see you back out there Joe !

I'm not myself a believer (not in a Christian way at least) but I totally rely to what you say about your belief in religion and I much respect the way of life that you choosed. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm not sure it will be more difficult for you to stay away from porn. I mean, maybe it's better to stay away from anything that can relate to sexual thoughts, including women (real ones, not pixels !), rather than being in that "grey area" where you see women, you sometimes have relationships with them, you think about them, but most of the time you're not really connected to one woman (even if you're married, as many married men report on this forum), so that leads to... well you understand what I mean. At least for me this pathway is clear in my mind, and during the reboot I try not to think too much about women. So... well I hope it will help you Joe, anyway best of luck in your new try, that's definitly good choice to hang out there, we all will do this !