Had a bad day today but not a complete failure. I intentionally looked at p and m. Did not finish. I stopped and went to an appointment. This is the 1st time I pm'd in over 80 days. I think I just have a lot of energy and nervousness around my relationship. Things are going great with her for the most part. She is talking a lot about kids, marriage, etc. I am on board and in my heart feel the same way but am just not ready to make that commitment. I told her as much, that it will just take more time for me to be ready and she seems ok with that. I think I still am carrying shame around with me about all the years of pmo and self esteem/depression. There is something in me that 1. doesn't want to give up my freedom to come, go, and do as I please. 2. On some level I still think I am not worthy of love. Both are false beliefs because I hated the loneliness and isolation I felt before and she clearly knows my story and still loves me. No matter what the truth is, PMO is not the answer and will only bring me more pain. I still have not O'd in more than 80 days and hope to do so with the woman I love.
Awake.
- Thread starter 1qqq1
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hope2reboot
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I remember having these same thoughts about losing my freedom vs loneliness when in a relationship a long time ago. The girl I was close to what I wanted in a woman but not 100%. I think my 100% was somewhat tainted by porn, which is unfortunate because I probably missed out on a great marriage, kids, white picket fence .....the whole nine yards. I read some of earlier posts back in 2014 and congrats on your getting away from MO and using that energy to meet people....and now you actually have what you were looking for. Even if this girl ends up not being "the one" you've come a long way. I'm currently at that stage of using all this additional energy to pursue a relationship. I'm meeting people on line which I know is still not really real but I've talked on the phone with a real person and am close to doing so with another real person. I think you were absolutely right in your previous posts about PMO taking away the energy required to pursue a relationship and I think this probably holds true in also maintaining a relationship.....they take a lot of work and energy but I think it must be way better than the whole of darkness and loneliness PMO leaves you with.
Keep going buddy and all the best with staying away from porn. You've done it with MO so you can do it porn too.
Keep going buddy and all the best with staying away from porn. You've done it with MO so you can do it porn too.
Thanks, for feedback. Great to know I am not alone. Weekend went well although still not able to O with my girlfriend. I am hoping this will come back with time. The feeling of having a person to have and hold is truly amazing and she couldn't be more supportive. Assuring me that it doesn't bother her (other than seeing the stress it causes me)and we will work through the problem. Had a pretty bad day today finding out that I was not even called for a job that I really thought would happen. On top of it a co-worker who is much younger and less qualified got the position. Happy it went to him though because he is a good guy. I for sure need to be very careful the next few day because this is just the type of thing that triggers. I get into my head and dwell on things that I can't change and end up just wanting to feel something else instead of just letting go. I need to make sure I do all the things I know put me in a better place. Exercise, gratitude journal, prayer, studying more about what works to break free & spending as much time as I can with family and friends and not alone. Connection is key for me.
Today is going well. No major urges. I actually stopped my girl this morning from going south in hopes that a couple of days of no below the waist activity would help me get more excited and actually be able to orgasm when we have sex. (currently taking 3 lady days off). I Have no idea if this will help but can't hurt. After I asked her to stop, I was shocked that I did and thought "what a dope". I can't tell you what it felt like to have that kind of self control after a couple of decades of pmo, to actually be able to say, no honey let's hold off til tomorrow..... When I wasn't sure I would ever find someone to share real intimacy with and would have probably paid for sex, I was so lonely and desperate. It felt great not only to be able to make a decision I think is healthier for me but to even have someone offering to share that experience with me. Priceless.
Been a while since my check last check in and things have been going well. The past month I have been struggling with looking at porn. No longer m when I do but I did pmo about 2 weeks ago and again 4 days ago. I have looked at some things that trigger me to want more. Not p but for sure p substitutes. Mentally they reinforce that same thing and arouse me in a way I don't want. My goal is to post here a couple times a week or more. I need to get focused and remember why I want this in the first place.