Hi, my name is Marco and I'm close to 34. I'm in my 3rd week of reboot.
I was consuming internet/video porn for more than 16 years regularly. I watched porn like 5-7 days a week on average one hour. Like many others I got more and more used to extreme stuff to get my kick. After orgasm I felt more and more poor, I thought "I'm a fucking creep!".
6 Month ago I broke up with my long time girlfriend (6 year long relationship). During my relationship I discovered/evolved DE (Delayed Ejaculation) but never had ED (Erectile Dysfunction) (I think this combination really confused me). I was often very frustrated after sex without ejaculation. It fast become a vicious circle: I had fears while sex not to cum and this caused stress and this caused not to cum .... and so on.
Often after "unsuccessful" sex I fell in a depression for days, did not talk to my girlfriend and avoided her presence. It was horrible for her, she cried a lot and did't understand my behavior.
I knew that something was wrong with me, but I could not find the cause. I said to her that my head is not free and it is blocking my sex. But I also thought she is not attracting me enough because my expectations were crazy high and extreme. She could only do it wrong, she had no chance.
But the sex was not the main reason for the separation, but It heavily effected her and my mood.
I also was very depressive in these years and I fell very useless and worthless, had low self esteem, I had sleeping disorders for like ever, I had often total loss of motivation, felt numb and foggy in the head, had a lot of self doubt, had no trust in my self and others, I more and more withdrawn myself. Also the feeling of love was dead inside of me, for a long time.
I was very angry and hateful at times, it effected everyone around me.
For better understanding I am a very extrovert and vivid person, very funny and I like to be among other people. But it all went in the opposite direction and that hurt me a lot. And every one around me noticed my expiration.
And then, on a sunny, beautiful spring day (3 weeks ago) I surfed through youtube and found a video about this subject (it was a TED talk) and I got curios.
Later that day I found Gabe Deems videos and this shit blew my mind!!! It literally was a giant punch in my face! I woke up!
Suddenly it was all clear to me! There was the problem, it was so obvious all the time, it's a crazy fucking joke! It was my enlightenment!
I feel good now. The brain fog is gone, I have a lot more energy and motivation. The first thing I recognized, I can look people in the eyes while talking. Amazing!
The first week I M with my imagination, but it was hard to finish off. I thought about real persons but I cought my self thinking about extreme stuff. So I stopped M since week two.
I talked with my ex girlfriend about this topic and she was happy to hear this from me. (She is a sexual pedagogue btw. so I can speak very open with her) It feels very good to talk about this, now I talk with everyone about this. For me the honesty is part of my recovery, I can't hide anymore.
To keep my focus right I play a lot more guitar, learn new songs and listen to music. I was surprised how music can hit me emotional. ;D
Then last weekend I meet my ex girlfriend at a party and we ended up having sex, three times. The first two times I had no orgasm but I was't a problem anymore, it was ok for me now. A beautiful feeling, so beautiful that I startet crying during sex. I think because the black magic voodoo curse is gone. I feel relieved.
But I wanted her to know, that the problem was on my side all the time. I felt guilty for her bad feelings all the years and she appreciate this. (Thanks to the partners in this forum, they gave me a new point of view!) And she supports me even now, she is a true angel!
I'm on my way/mission to a better life! ;D
Thanks to you guys, all the Journals helped me a lot, so I want to share my story.
Special thanks to Gabe Deem, thanks for you honesty and open words. You are my hero, I love you dude! 8)
I deeply wish everyone strength and willpower to overcome their problems!
Stand together brothers and sisters in these crazy times!
Cheers Marco.
PS: Feel free to talk to me, you can also massage me in German.
I was consuming internet/video porn for more than 16 years regularly. I watched porn like 5-7 days a week on average one hour. Like many others I got more and more used to extreme stuff to get my kick. After orgasm I felt more and more poor, I thought "I'm a fucking creep!".
6 Month ago I broke up with my long time girlfriend (6 year long relationship). During my relationship I discovered/evolved DE (Delayed Ejaculation) but never had ED (Erectile Dysfunction) (I think this combination really confused me). I was often very frustrated after sex without ejaculation. It fast become a vicious circle: I had fears while sex not to cum and this caused stress and this caused not to cum .... and so on.
Often after "unsuccessful" sex I fell in a depression for days, did not talk to my girlfriend and avoided her presence. It was horrible for her, she cried a lot and did't understand my behavior.
I knew that something was wrong with me, but I could not find the cause. I said to her that my head is not free and it is blocking my sex. But I also thought she is not attracting me enough because my expectations were crazy high and extreme. She could only do it wrong, she had no chance.
But the sex was not the main reason for the separation, but It heavily effected her and my mood.
I also was very depressive in these years and I fell very useless and worthless, had low self esteem, I had sleeping disorders for like ever, I had often total loss of motivation, felt numb and foggy in the head, had a lot of self doubt, had no trust in my self and others, I more and more withdrawn myself. Also the feeling of love was dead inside of me, for a long time.
I was very angry and hateful at times, it effected everyone around me.
For better understanding I am a very extrovert and vivid person, very funny and I like to be among other people. But it all went in the opposite direction and that hurt me a lot. And every one around me noticed my expiration.
And then, on a sunny, beautiful spring day (3 weeks ago) I surfed through youtube and found a video about this subject (it was a TED talk) and I got curios.
Later that day I found Gabe Deems videos and this shit blew my mind!!! It literally was a giant punch in my face! I woke up!
Suddenly it was all clear to me! There was the problem, it was so obvious all the time, it's a crazy fucking joke! It was my enlightenment!
I feel good now. The brain fog is gone, I have a lot more energy and motivation. The first thing I recognized, I can look people in the eyes while talking. Amazing!
The first week I M with my imagination, but it was hard to finish off. I thought about real persons but I cought my self thinking about extreme stuff. So I stopped M since week two.
I talked with my ex girlfriend about this topic and she was happy to hear this from me. (She is a sexual pedagogue btw. so I can speak very open with her) It feels very good to talk about this, now I talk with everyone about this. For me the honesty is part of my recovery, I can't hide anymore.
To keep my focus right I play a lot more guitar, learn new songs and listen to music. I was surprised how music can hit me emotional. ;D
Then last weekend I meet my ex girlfriend at a party and we ended up having sex, three times. The first two times I had no orgasm but I was't a problem anymore, it was ok for me now. A beautiful feeling, so beautiful that I startet crying during sex. I think because the black magic voodoo curse is gone. I feel relieved.
But I wanted her to know, that the problem was on my side all the time. I felt guilty for her bad feelings all the years and she appreciate this. (Thanks to the partners in this forum, they gave me a new point of view!) And she supports me even now, she is a true angel!
I'm on my way/mission to a better life! ;D
Thanks to you guys, all the Journals helped me a lot, so I want to share my story.
Special thanks to Gabe Deem, thanks for you honesty and open words. You are my hero, I love you dude! 8)
I deeply wish everyone strength and willpower to overcome their problems!
Stand together brothers and sisters in these crazy times!
Cheers Marco.
PS: Feel free to talk to me, you can also massage me in German.