What Motivates You to Abstain?

[CrowMagnum]

Hey everyone,

Quick question; what motivates you to abstain?  Is it for healthy sex?  Is it to regain personhood?  For me, it is a lot of things balled together but can be summed up with healing and empowering myself.  I find it difficult to think and feel about in depth as I have significant brain fog still.  I am curious what motivates most people on here to do what we do and would like to hear it articulated in your own way.  I think discussing this would be helpful for those posting as well as those reading.  It could facilitate greater reflection of our motivations, may provide a looking glass for some people that are unclear of why they are abstaining but have a general feeling of deep dissatisfaction, and may provide motivation for some readers that are on the fence about abstaining to do so. 

So, feel free to be long or short winded and know that I am very appreciative of any response!

Regards,
Crow

 

[llcc1103]

For me..  when I got into a relationship, I subconsciously got SO scared that this relationship would be lost.  My last one was an immature relationship but it was also the first time i was exposed for my fetish porn addiction.  But the latest relationship, I see a family, I see a futre, children.  This was when porn/lusting becamea mortal enemy..

 

[screwedup40]

I was initially motivated to abstain because of PIED.  However, I've realized just how much PMO was affecting other areas of my life since I started rebooting.  I'm a better husband, dad, and overall man than I was a year ago.  That's why I will continue on the path I've been travelling.  So, yeah, that'd be my motivation.  Good idea for a thread by the way. 

 

[npod33]

The short-term motivation was the dreaded porn induced erectile dysfunction.  Now that I am 38 days into my recovery  I see that I am more disciplined and more focused on things and the primary motivation for me right now is my quest to become the man that I want to become and never to go back to the dark side of porn ever!

 

[rebootrapp]

For me it started out as my wife and child, I knew I would lose them both if I kept going. Now it's morphed into a desire to be a moral man. I figure if I can become a moral man, I'll not only keep my family here with me, I'll finally be the man they deserve, I'll save my soul, and feel good about myself for the first time in a very loooong time.

 

[llcc1103]

Remember...  Through this hell we call PMO addiction, we know what we saw, what we felt, we experienced the darkness..  and by doing that grew the desire to move towards the light. Its making us stronger than ever before.  Think about how many people are stuck in this and dont even know it. 

 

[Marco]

I was an depressive, anxious, worthless man with low self esteem, low motivation and overall angry and sad. I have DE and lost some good relationships in the past. As soon as I found out porn is the cause, my mission was clear! I wan't to be a better man for everyone.

 

[Hablablos]

For me it is not the number of days what I am after, I am trying to become a better person in general. When I think about it, there are three factors, which motivates me:

1. I never want to be the person I once was. I was in constant depresion for years, had suicidal thoughts, always have way too many excuses instead to finally start doing anything. I hated myself so much that I rather let myself live to suffer more, than kill myself and be "free".  But there is a particular memory, which will probably haunt me all my life.

I was at university and I already knew I will be kicked out. I thought I am fine with that, but I wasn't. A professor informed me, that project I gave him isn't working. And if I don't give him a working one, he won't classify me. My first reaction to this information was, that I PMO'd twice in order to calm myself down. I took a dose in order to be functional. I never want this experience repeat again.

2. I wrote down a list of things and goals I want to learn and experience. I also wrote down who I would like to be as a person and I intent to become one. With this one in mind I have a direction. And I promised myself to never give up.

3. I fear of wasted life. I know I am here for a limited time, so I intent to use this time as best as I can. I don't want spent last days of my life regreting things I didn't do. This is also connected with point no. 2. If I achieve things I want, or at least I will do something for that, I will die as a happy man.

 

[Greyfox88]

Several reasons.
- PIED
- life just sucked, the emptiness inside, the feeling of being unable to experience pleasure without porn. Of course i am laughing all the time life is funny, but it does not feel joyfull to me with porn in it.
- i felt like i was fallen/lost. I drifted into low level criminal activities/alcohol/drugs because of the numbness to everything.
- i had a big conflict in myself i either found women to be sluts or to be holy persons who are the only ones who can save me from my darkness.

Now there is one more BIG reason that keeps me going! The progress, the more i make the better i get. Some days i feel like shit with all my cravings and depressions. But other days there is a beam of sunlight shining only for me. Also the first time in my life i can judge what is good for me and what is bad because i have a contrast to the usual grey.  I do not want to lose this ability ever again.

Greetings my brothers.

 

[Tomte]

Same like Greyfox, mostly. The motivation started with noticing my PIED and with wanting to improve (or at least start to have) sex with my girlfriend.
But now, what keeps me going and positive is the progress. My whole perception of life, my attitude towards people has improved. I feel more confident and open. My ED might not yet be gone, but I have not felt guilty or like a failure in almost five months and I never want to lose that feeling again.

 

[JKLIVIN]

There are many motivating factors in my recovery. First and foremost was my relationship with my fianc? at the time and happy to say now, my wife. For a lot of people they have to hit rock bottom before they realize the consequences of their actions. The thought of losing her was a major wake up call. She has stood by my side, and being the best man I can be for myself and her is what motivates me everyday. The thoughts and dream of a family with her drive me everyday.

Second, I am motivated by what I can accomplish with all the time I have where I could be using porn. I have honed my skills in the kitchen, I have gained a green thumb in the garden ( which leads to fresh veggies and herbs for the kitchen). I have seen vast improvement in my work performance, which has led to promotions and just an overall better experience with the people I work with.

All these changes create a snowball effect where you just become happier about yourself as a person. My life has completely changed. I am more mindful of the situations I am in. I am living in the present moment. Not in the past, or future, or in some fantasy. The fear of relapse still exists. Once an addict, always an addict, but with these new tools I've created for myself, I am far more confident in actions everyday.

 

[Cathedron]

It severely constricts the project of becoming a better human. Tbh sex is at the bottom of the list, even though I'm 20.

It affects far too much:

- Cognitive abilities
- Physical performance
- Mental health
- Sex / Relationships

 

[ProtoMan]

Depression, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety, these kinds of things. It's been about three months now since I started my reboot. I'm seeing improvements such as motivations. Things took a great shift few days from now when i read that abstaining is not recovering. Instead of abstaining from porn, instead focus all your energy on improving every part of your life. This is recovering.

Been doing exercise, studying since then and I can say that I'm happy to where this is going

 

[CrowMagnum]

I found each response illuminating and motivational in their own right.  Some reminded me that my initial reason for starting this process was reversing PIED.  Funny how the other benefits (sense of personhood, motivation, mental health, greater cognition capabilities, etc.) tend to become the primary motivator once we get a taste of who we could be, how we could experience life.  Of course, reversing PIED is still a motivator, it just tends to take a backseat with regards to importance.

ProtoMan, I'm glad you brought up the idea that abstaining is not recovery.  I have been acknowledging this in a sense but hadn't put words to it.  This shift in mindset has already made me feel better about my day to day life.  Instead of waiting for the next day to feel better, I am taking the day as an opportunity to actively improve.  It makes me excited and hopeful. 

Thanks everyone for responding! I'm looking forward to any other responses. 

Stay strong, keep progressing!

 

[jkkk]

I think I lost a big big part of my life to the dopamine addiction. I think, in actual numbers, 10 years. Since being 12 to 22.

In it, I lost many chances to be in relationships, to be better in sports, to be a good son, to be a good brother. All of it, I lost. I lost jobs, too. Years of darkness. I get scared by even reminding myself of that time.

Being out of the dopamine addiction is being back to life - though in my case I feel as if it more about learning to have one. I cannot recall any kind of life I could even get "back" to. Many of us here, I gather, just need to build from scratch.

And in this building from scratch - I can smile while seeing the sun coming out through the clouds. What a view that is!

 

[CrowMagnum]

jkkk,

Potential squandered is a strong motivator.  I am in a similar situation with feeling I am learning what life is and how to have one, in building from scratch.  The veils are slowly being pulled away a thread at a time.  It seems a lot of us that had started early on (before puberty or other sexual experiences) must learn about life as we recover, as you said.  It is refreshing to enjoy the warm sun on my face, even just a little. 

 

[E45]

I always knew porn was bad, immoral, and demeaning to women....but I thought it didn't actually matter if I consumed a little bit every week. I gave it up a few times out of guilt, and then went back. I started edging before I even knew what edging was.

It was when I realised I had got erectile dysfunction that I had the real kick-in-the-head needed to stop porn forever.

After 3 months of 'reboot' I've learned so much more about why this new lifestyle will be better for me and my family too. I'm hoping I discover how to become as productive as a normal average person (I was so useless in the past). All this provides additional motivation.....but I think the main motivator is always going to be the fear that my dick won't work!

 

[Adicktive_Mentality]

I am doing this mainly to reverse PIED. But the more I read about this, the more disillusioned to what I called "normal" I become. Watching other people have sex? That's wierd in and of itself. That right there to me is a fetish all by itself. The fact that it's artificialay satisfying one of my most primal motivators and stripping me of what drives many men to go out and do something with their lives. There are also moral reasons. I want to be able to have a wife and a healthy marriage some day. My parents almost split up because of my dad's porn usage and I do not want that vice carrying into my relationship. I already found someone that I loved and was planning to marry, and porn was a huge reason that it ended. That's not going to happen to me again.

 

[TK-421]

Porn use doesn't fit with my vision of the person I want to be. I can't  be open and honest in the relationships that mean the most to me, if I have porn in my life. By its very nature, excessive porn use requires secrecy and dishonesty. When I was in the depths of using, it caused me to do things that lacked integrity. It is a time waster. It steals time from my family, my career and from me. It causes anxiety and depression. Long term use caused memory issues for me. The list goes on and on.

On any objective standard it does not make any sense to be using porn as most of us did. Yet many of us remained trapped in the cycle for years. Why? Because it feels great in the moment. That is the nature of any addiction. Our brains so crave that shot of dopamine that we are not able to see things as they really are. We can't trust what are brains are telling us. Our brains will rationalize and justify.  They will tell us that we actual like porn. That we are free thinkers.  That one quick jerk off won't hurt anyone, and that there is no reason not to indulge. This is the basis of addiction and why we need to consistently remind each other, when suffering from withdrawal, things are not as they seem.

 

[malando]

Porn use doesn't fit with my vision of the person I want to be. I can't  be open and honest in the relationships that mean the most to me, if I have porn in my life. By its very nature, excessive porn use requires secrecy and dishonesty. When I was in the depths of using, it caused me to do things that lacked integrity. It is a time waster. It steals time from my family, my career and from me. It causes anxiety and depression. Long term use caused memory issues for me. The list goes on and on.

This paragraph is the most perfect expression of why I need to quit porn. Could not be more accurate.