Hello,
I know I should be positive but I am pretty desperate right now. But I haven?t given up yet. Since I realized I need some help I decided to share my story to you. Before registration I red alot about it. Where should I beginn?
I was confronted by porn in a very young age. My dad had porn on video tape. Because I wasn?t able to read (I must have been 4 or something) I tried every tape to see what is on it. By playing my first Porn my heart was beating so fast. I turned it off instantly. But after a while I tried it again. Not often. But that was the first time porn gave me the ultimate kick.
With 11-12 years I started masturbating. Not with porn. It were sex movies on television when you were happy to see nipples. There I realized my foot fetish which I guess was always there and not porn induced. I masturbated reguarly. Every day most of the time many times.
It didn?t take long until friends showed my a porn movie on tape. The movie was cheap.... But it was the ultimate kick. They borrowed the tape to me. The first time I had porn and I knew what to do with it. After a while it got boring and I only watched the scenes I liked most even it was harded to get to there.
We got our hands on more tapes and it was always the same. New tape, new excitment and it was boring again.
The next step was the internet. It was so great to look after pictures of things I liked to see. Movies were not possible because of the connection. I was caught many times because I could not hide my traces with 14 y/o. Very embarrassing. Of course it didn?t hold me up doing it again. I could not see that I am doing something wrong. I thought I was practicing. Girls were not into me so much. I was always quite, sleepy and ...... strange. I am not sure if this had something to do with my porn use. But I always had the feeling something is wrong with me. (Even as a little kid I was quite and sleepy).
So I grew up without having a girlfriend. This was pissing my off and I wanted to lose my virginity. Hopefully it is ok to write about this. But with 18 y/o I went to bordell. The woman was very beautiful and mid twenties. Everything should be perfect. My heart was beating and I felt so insecure. I could not get it up. This felt so bad. But I thought it was because I was so nervous or because this is not real love. With a girl that likes me it should be different.
So I met a girl. She was strange and I had the feeling she was playing with me. She made me feel bad for reason and I tried very hard to be there for here. At one point after she made me feel very sad I was ready to give up. This was the time she visited me and she went to bed with me. She was pretty. But again. I could not get an erection strong enough to have sex with her. No need to say that this was the last time she visited me. Again I feld like a loser.
With 24 I met another girl. She was my girlfriend for a long time. We mostly had oral sex which was working out well. She was afraid of having sex. When we had then only with a condom. This didn?t work out so well. I blamed the condoms. Our sexuality decreased alot in the following years. Also my desire for her. I watched even more porn. To that time I was living alone and was able to watch highspeed internet porn all day, which I did most of the time.
It went worse with the sex. About 2 years ago I realized my addiction or at least I realized watching porn is bad for me. So I stopped many times but always relapsed. I talked with my GF about that very open and told her I would stop. To reconnect my senses we should try it more often I thought. 2 weeks without PMO created an urge. But my GF wasn?t in the mood. So I was mad and started watching again.
We are seperated now. And after countless tries to stop porn I have a pretty long streak now. I didn?t count days but it must be 6 weeks no without Porn. The urge came back. And I didn?t had her anymore. So I went to prostitutes websites. This turned me on and I was choosing for a very long time. This wasn?t also a good idea I guess. When I masturbated I tried to think about scenes which I personally experienced. But I also avoided orgasmns about the last 3 weeks.
Which brings me to the final event. Today I went to a bordell again (which is legal here). I was not that afraid anymore like I was with 18 years. I am a 30 y/o man which is self-confident in most situations. But not at sex. Again I had problems getting erected. So I ask her to stop and I tried to get it up by myself. And I ejaculated instantly.
Embarrassed and depressed I went home and I am looking for help. So I created this account.
I think quitting porn was not enough. In the future I don?t want to masturbate anymore. But I know for sure the desire comes back. I hope you can help me to break this cycle. Right now I am afraid that I can?t turn normal anymore. I was a heavy user for all my sexual life.
Thanks for reading all of my story.
I know I should be positive but I am pretty desperate right now. But I haven?t given up yet. Since I realized I need some help I decided to share my story to you. Before registration I red alot about it. Where should I beginn?
I was confronted by porn in a very young age. My dad had porn on video tape. Because I wasn?t able to read (I must have been 4 or something) I tried every tape to see what is on it. By playing my first Porn my heart was beating so fast. I turned it off instantly. But after a while I tried it again. Not often. But that was the first time porn gave me the ultimate kick.
With 11-12 years I started masturbating. Not with porn. It were sex movies on television when you were happy to see nipples. There I realized my foot fetish which I guess was always there and not porn induced. I masturbated reguarly. Every day most of the time many times.
It didn?t take long until friends showed my a porn movie on tape. The movie was cheap.... But it was the ultimate kick. They borrowed the tape to me. The first time I had porn and I knew what to do with it. After a while it got boring and I only watched the scenes I liked most even it was harded to get to there.
We got our hands on more tapes and it was always the same. New tape, new excitment and it was boring again.
The next step was the internet. It was so great to look after pictures of things I liked to see. Movies were not possible because of the connection. I was caught many times because I could not hide my traces with 14 y/o. Very embarrassing. Of course it didn?t hold me up doing it again. I could not see that I am doing something wrong. I thought I was practicing. Girls were not into me so much. I was always quite, sleepy and ...... strange. I am not sure if this had something to do with my porn use. But I always had the feeling something is wrong with me. (Even as a little kid I was quite and sleepy).
So I grew up without having a girlfriend. This was pissing my off and I wanted to lose my virginity. Hopefully it is ok to write about this. But with 18 y/o I went to bordell. The woman was very beautiful and mid twenties. Everything should be perfect. My heart was beating and I felt so insecure. I could not get it up. This felt so bad. But I thought it was because I was so nervous or because this is not real love. With a girl that likes me it should be different.
So I met a girl. She was strange and I had the feeling she was playing with me. She made me feel bad for reason and I tried very hard to be there for here. At one point after she made me feel very sad I was ready to give up. This was the time she visited me and she went to bed with me. She was pretty. But again. I could not get an erection strong enough to have sex with her. No need to say that this was the last time she visited me. Again I feld like a loser.
With 24 I met another girl. She was my girlfriend for a long time. We mostly had oral sex which was working out well. She was afraid of having sex. When we had then only with a condom. This didn?t work out so well. I blamed the condoms. Our sexuality decreased alot in the following years. Also my desire for her. I watched even more porn. To that time I was living alone and was able to watch highspeed internet porn all day, which I did most of the time.
It went worse with the sex. About 2 years ago I realized my addiction or at least I realized watching porn is bad for me. So I stopped many times but always relapsed. I talked with my GF about that very open and told her I would stop. To reconnect my senses we should try it more often I thought. 2 weeks without PMO created an urge. But my GF wasn?t in the mood. So I was mad and started watching again.
We are seperated now. And after countless tries to stop porn I have a pretty long streak now. I didn?t count days but it must be 6 weeks no without Porn. The urge came back. And I didn?t had her anymore. So I went to prostitutes websites. This turned me on and I was choosing for a very long time. This wasn?t also a good idea I guess. When I masturbated I tried to think about scenes which I personally experienced. But I also avoided orgasmns about the last 3 weeks.
Which brings me to the final event. Today I went to a bordell again (which is legal here). I was not that afraid anymore like I was with 18 years. I am a 30 y/o man which is self-confident in most situations. But not at sex. Again I had problems getting erected. So I ask her to stop and I tried to get it up by myself. And I ejaculated instantly.
Embarrassed and depressed I went home and I am looking for help. So I created this account.
I think quitting porn was not enough. In the future I don?t want to masturbate anymore. But I know for sure the desire comes back. I hope you can help me to break this cycle. Right now I am afraid that I can?t turn normal anymore. I was a heavy user for all my sexual life.
Thanks for reading all of my story.