jstratham84's Journal: 68 day hard mode over... I MOd, no P. It was a good run.

J

jstratham84

Member
Hi all,

I am glad to have found this website and forum. I actually found out about reboot and nofap groups on various sites by accident. I am 32 years old and have been addicted to porn since I was 17. On my first day in college, I waited until my roommate left our dorm room so I can turn on the brand new computer I had just bought and went online to search for porn for the first time. I have been hooked since then.

Today is Monday, April 25th, 2016 and the last time I looked up P or masturbated was on Thursday, April 21st, 2016. So I am already on my 5th day and I get some urges to relapse but I am trying to be strong.

Yesterday I was out with some friends, a group of 11 people, of which 7 were ladies and I already was getting sexually attracted to most of them and kinda thought about sex, masturbation, porn, etc. while we sat and had a picnic outdoors. I got up, left the picnic table, walked around the park for 10 minutes to clear my mind and thankfully did not relapse when I got home. I had a similar moment of almost relapsing today while I watched a movie with my sister and her friend, so I told them that I didn't like the movie and went out to ride my bike for an hour.

My reason for quitting porn and masturbation is PIED. I had 5 serious relationships since I was 17 and after a while all of them got sexually awkward as even as a very young guy, I was having trouble with keeping my boy up. I actually would have a 90% solid erection during foreplay, giving or receiving oral sex but when it was time for intercourse, I would quickly go flaccid. I was in my apartment and watching a TV show when I decided to stop P and M because I got turned on by one of the actresses and immediately got up to go to my bedroom so I can turn on my laptop and watch some porn with fetishes to masturbate. I got disgusted thinking "you had 5 girlfriends and many one night stands who were disappointed in you because you couldn't do it like a normal person and had to fantasize about your partners in some pornographic ritual..."

I just want to enjoy regular sex again.

Anyways, not sure if I will succeed but I will try to keep this updated... Wish me luck.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Oh by the way, tomorrow when I get back home from work, I'll delete every single piece of pornography on my computer... I rarely watched them anyways, I was just watching porn online but I will delete them anyway. After reading some of the journal entries of others, I now understand this is a very common problem for men of my age. Wow. Need to get this under control.

I don't want my next girlfriend to be disappointed in me.... what hurts most is when they ask "don't you find me beautiful?" or "am i doing something wrong?"... when all the fault lies with me.

I apologize for being such a loser my dear D, A, S, A and J  :-[
 
A

ATWANTtoStop

Member
Thanks for posting and welcome to the forum!  Having a place to go to put some space between me and porn has really helped lately.  Reading other peoples stories and posting replies seems to have re-wired my brain because my urges to go online have been dramatically reduce in the last few days.

Hope to see more posts.

Take care,
Adam
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Hi Adam,

Thank you for the welcome. I am happy to hear that you are doing better without porn. I totally agree that reading other people's stories helps with our own challenges because knowing that we are not alone and there are others who are facing similar challenges and even better yet, there are those who have succeeded.

Good luck!
 
J

jstratham84

Member
This morning I woke up and immediately turned on my computer to delete all the porn on my computer, deleted my porn bookmarks, etc... Right now the hard drive is formatting :) That's another step taken... I feel so relaxed.
 
T

TheNewMe

Guest
Great first steps to get this under control! The ability to recognize triggers (the picnic and the movie you left) and deal with them right away by going for a walk or bike ride is very important during recovery so it's awesome to hear that you've already found ways to deal with that! Feel free to read other journals or ask questions. I generally recommend learning about the addiction and ways to recover as much as you can in the beginning. Know thy enemy and all :)

Stay strong, brother and welcome!
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Hi TheNewMe,
Yeah, I watched the videos on YBOP and the science behind our addiction is amazing... I am on my 6th day today, feeling some awkwardness at times but I am doing well. Today I was watching a basketball highlights clip on my phone when the fricking cameraman decided to shoot the cheerleaders and oh my... I stared at the screen for like 20 seconds and got back to reality when I realized I was getting a boner so I immediately closed the clip. lol.

 
J

jstratham84

Member
Today was a tough day. I rode my bike at the beach for an hour or so (I train 3-4 times a week) and seeing all the beautiful women with bikinis was a nightmare. I had to look down on the road the whole time hoping I won't get into an accident  :p

I am also having huge morning woods... Not sure if this is a good sign or not? I got them occasionally before I began rebooting but it seems that I wake up to one every morning now.

The weekend is coming, which means lots of social interaction with friends, some of them female friends who I found attractive in the past... let's see how it's going to work out.

I also watched a couple of Gabe's videos today, a true inspiration that guy is.
 
A

ATWANTtoStop

Member
Thanks for sharing about the beach!!  Summer is finally coming up here and the temptation to run the beach areas vs. a nice single track trail will be there for sure! 

I can't always control what I see out there in the world but I can sometime mitigate my exposure to challenging situations.  Especially in the early days.  Thanks for the reminder!

-Adam
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Hi ATWANTtoStop,

When I look at women I am trying to think how they are just human beings like myself and I look for things to respect. It's difficult but we have to succeed.

Last night I had lots of erotic dreams. Especially with one girlfriend of 2 years ago with whom I had severe ED. I guess the rebooting is really deep in my mind now because even in my dream I was trying to abstain from having anything sexual so I was freaking out that we were going to sleep together and I was worried I might not be able to get it up. Then I woke up with a huge boner.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Day 12... still going strong. More and more women are wearing less and less clothing as summer approaches so will it get easier or tougher ... questions.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
In about 12 hours, it will be 2 weeks since I started my reboot process. I have no desire to look at porn at all. I actually despise all the time I had spent searching for it. I am having difficulty about edging and thinking about sex though. I specifically have one girl in mind who I have liked for such a long time and I have been seeing her in my dreams in the last couple of nights. I almost broke down and masturbated to having sex with her but I came to my senses and stopped just as I was about to start. Damn this is getting difficult all of a sudden. I hope I can make it through until I get into a flatline. Wish me luck all.
 
V

virtueorvice

Guest
yeah man! those thoughts about a girl you like or know and the erections you get, although a good sign, aren't funny at all.

Please, I learned something very important: avoid negativity, especially in your journal.

Now, I'm sure and confident I'm on the right path, no matter what happens. I know if i stay committed I'll have a better future and more control in and over my life.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Still no relapse to porn but I tried to see if I can get an erection by touching in the shower. No show. I wonder if I am still desensitized or if I am going into flatline... I almost want to try to M without Porn to see. Tough days :(
 
offaxis

offaxis

Active Member
Be patient and kind to yourself, man. This is not race to the finish or competition. Give it another few days at least and try your best to fill those days with other positive activities you enjoy or can distract you.

You won't die without sex. You only really need sex if you want a child with your partner. The rest is all just purely pleasure really. Your brain wanting a hit. There's much more to life than that, but it definitely never feels like when you're in the middle of it. It's a tough road you're going down but you're making a better you through that struggle.

Often in life when you focus really hard on pushing for something, it can feel like huge effort with little or no reward. Yet when you turn your attention away for a while and focus elsewhere, the things you wanted before just come to you and seem to fall in your lap.

Keep up progress with life. The rest will follow. You're doing so great already coming this far and there's so much still ahead.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
offaxis said:
Be patient and kind to yourself, man. This is not race to the finish or competition. Give it another few days at least and try your best to fill those days with other positive activities you enjoy or can distract you.

You won't die without sex. You only really need sex if you want a child with your partner. The rest is all just purely pleasure really. Your brain wanting a hit. There's much more to life than that, but it definitely never feels like when you're in the middle of it. It's a tough road you're going down but you're making a better you through that struggle.

Often in life when you focus really hard on pushing for something, it can feel like huge effort with little or no reward. Yet when you turn your attention away for a while and focus elsewhere, the things you wanted before just come to you and seem to fall in your lap.

Keep up progress with life. The rest will follow. You're doing so great already coming this far and there's so much still ahead.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind words and support offaxis. Today is day 20 and I get the urge to edge myself quite often. I think I am not in flatline yet. I am in the pre-flatline, hypersensitive period when anything and everything arouses me. The best thing to help these days is to get on my bike and ride 30-40 miles really fast without rest because that gets me really tired and I have no energy to think about P, M or O at the end :)
 
J

jstratham84

Member
Day 21... feeling good. I cannot wait I get done with work (home office) so I can ride my bike for an hour or two. I also ordered some new bike pedals which I am eager to test out. I think I will be able to push my daily biking towards 70 kms with the new pedals (cleats, had regular ones before). Cheers to all.
 
J

jstratham84

Member
I haven't watched porn or masturbated for 25 days now. I almost masturbated today when I got back from my morning run as I met this super cute girl at Starbucks but thankfully I realized what was happening before it was too late and stopped. I really should never edge myself again though because it gave me blue balls even with at most 10 strokes and it really isn't enjoyable  :-[ I think I may have O'ed if I had kept going for another few strokes... Incredible how sensitive my man gear has become. I will not count this as a relapse... didn't go all the way, no P, nothing... I hope  :-\
 
V

virtueorvice

Guest
dude, next time you see a hot girl approach her and after a little chat, ask her number. Then, wait a few days and call her to set a date.
 
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