34 going on 40 - its time to save my life!!

[midlife-survivor]

Hi,

Im new here and I'm starting my reboot today.

Why am I here?
I am nearly 34 years old, married and currently no kids but trying. I need to save my life and live it how it was supposed to be lived!!
Too long have I rotted my time with a PVO fuelled life, minutes, hours, days, years - it all adds up and what I accomplished? Not a lot, I blame my addiction for many reasons and problems I have gone through in recent years, some of which being unhappiness, depression, acting out and causing others hurt, problems at work, lack of sleep and so on..

How did I get here?
I first discovered PVO in a tree I was climbing when I was 14. I was rather intrigued to find a stash of mags of naked women - this was my secret and told no one about what I had found. My brothers used to read mens magazine such as FHM which had semi-naked pictures of women in and at the age of 15 I liked what I saw, I dug deeper into bags of thrown out newspapers in the garage that were waiting to be recycled - I found a copy of the 'Daily Sport' - full blown nakedness - I remember cutting out the pictures and keeping them for experimenting with (FAP).
In 1998 we got the internet which was AWESOME, this was 56k dial up! Again I read my brothers FHM magazine and saw a picture in the back of a Softcore American model who will remain nameless. Needless to say I found her pictures very hot and moved onto looking at similar Softcore PVO.
Following this, I found my way into Lesbian PVO which really got me off and I was like "What could be better than this?", I didn't realise what could top that!!
Upon browsing various thumbnail galleries I stumbled upon a hardcore photo and I was taken back, nothing I had previously barely touched the emotion I felt after seeing this. I was hooked!!

Jumping ahead after several expensive dialup phone bills and annoyed parents broadband entered the arena and the world would never be the same again! 14 years later (yes you heard me) I am still struggling with this painful addiction that has caused some very hard times for me that I do not wish to talk about as its very painful and now in the past.

I have tried on countless occasions to quit and have previously gone 18 days without PVO before falling off the wagon again.

I find the trouble with PVO is that there is always a prettier woman, they seem to know what fuels men's desires and they get it right every time!

My addiction process

    Addiction to porn and masturbation - those two go hand in hand *no pun intended*.
    Wearing high heels and lingerie and fantasising about being the pornstar in the videos - this is twisted I know and I just dont know how I got here!
    Addiction to caffeine - I nailed this one!! - nearly 2 sears sober from fizzy drinks and the dentist is happy (so am I).
    Addiction to eating - I think this is depression / stress related which in turn I think is caused by the porn and anxiety.


Why have I failed before?
I work in IT and know how to get around pretty much anything, so if I have previously installed a filter or accountability application, I've found a way to counteract that undetected. Secondly I think I am weak and this has always been my downfall whilst dealing with this addiction.

Whats next?
I plan to use this forum as a resource and hope for your support and encouragement whilst I attempt to win his never-ending battle of lust. I am a Christian regardless of your views and opinions I truly believe that there is some demonic power that fuels PVO and each time you contribute to your addiction that darkness takes more control of you. In my opinion when I have attempted to reboot in the past I have found that life becomes real tough - I truly believe this darkness contributes to making your life hell whilst detoxing and as you stop watching PVO the demon of lust "Asmodeus" is gathering its friends and takes control of you - this is the point where you give in and get back into that PVO process again.

Every time that you are tempted with an impure thought or desire, look past the allurement and see the evil.

I've also started using BrainBuddy on the iPhone and whilst its a premium subsciprtion it pays if its going to save my life.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading

 

[offaxis]

Hello,

You are doing a really good thing wanting to turn your life around and get off the porn.

Understanding how you got here and why you want porn, and what triggers you wanting it is a good place to start so you can fight this. For me, I had years trying to fight it alone and I didn't understand it. Both of these are recipies for failure. I'd really like to encourage you to reach out in the real world to find local groups or people you can talk to. You are not alone and there are lots of us who've had to face it but everyone has their own path.

Personally, I am not a religious person. I don't think porn is a devil or even the problem itself. But if it helps you to think of it in that way and it is positive for you, then great. I am responsible for myself and my own actions. For me, I was using porn partly to avoid and control my own negative emotions. Much like you write yourself - unhappiness, depression and so on. They were not consequences of my porn usage but consequences of my life and poor life choices. I was not taking good care of myself. Porn was making that feel better in the short term but just masking the real problems. So, I connect strongly what you wrote there - the frustration too at yourself for the wasted time, the shame and guilty feelings. These are unpleasant but normal feelings for a lot of us having gone through that. That doesn't make it any easier though but I want you to know you're not alone.

I am also highly skilled with computers and found a lot of ways to circumvent most countermeasures and software. I would encourage you to use multi-layered defences:

1) Blocking software; more advanced stuff will hack routing tables to make blocks persistent across reboots and also log if it is force shutdown or killed.

2) Use OpenDNS family safe DNS servers. Reconfigure your router. Give your router password to your girlfriend so you can't easily change it back

3) Disable access to adult services from your ISP.

OK there are other ways to get around these but it becomes more involved and the more involved it is, the more likely you are to twig you are acting out or about to - which you don't want to do, right? So STOP and turn off your PC and LEAVE NOW. Get out of the house for at least 20 mins - by FAR the best way. These are just some suggestions. But personally, I cannot fight this without using all the tools available and that means switching on all the safeties and developing good self-awareness about how and when you might act out and then be able to avoid it if you feel triggered. Or even avoid using a computer or phone 100% for several hours if you need to.

I could break all around these if I really wanted too as well. But who am I fooling if I did? Only myself. They prevent impulses and short lapses of self control but for the truly technically determined and skillful, these are not enough to prevent access. So, if you want to stop, then things have to come from other angles. Which is really what this is all about.

Please keep sharing with us here - I really feel your pain and determination. You are still young with much life ahead. I hope you can find it. I wish I'd have had the courage like you to stop at your age. Please persevere and I wish you great strength and success.

Peace,

R

 

[ATWANTtoStop]

Thanks for sharing Surfnode.  I appreciate your honest with here this addiction has taken you.  It has brought me to place I did think I would go either.  I remember the first time I went to certain websites...I would share so bad I thought I was convulsing...just the flood of chemicals to my brain was causing my whole body to react.  That eventually went away and I became used to what I was doing.  Always looking for the next hit.

Having a forum like this with as many people sharing as we have is very helpful.  There is enough material here to keep me any my websurfing mind busy for a long time!!

Keep posting,
Adam