Effects of use on wives

[Gracie]

I found this article while browsing the web.  It is a research study.  It really describes well the effects on the marriage and the wives.  It is a little long, but well worth the read.  I hope it helps the husbands here to talk to their wives.

http://www.patrickprag.com/patrick_prag_counseling/Resources_files/Attachment%20threat%20and%20pair-bond%20relationship_1.pdf

I wish I had access to this article when I told my husband how I felt.  It explains it so well.

 

[Gracie]

I hope that those that have read this realize how important this study was.  Just as there is just now research into the brain's reaction to porn.  There is not a lot of information for wives that show how this affects the realtionship.  And believe it or not, we have a limited amount of people that we can talk about how we feel.  I really had no one.  To read this and find that there are people looking at  the effect and trying to help the SO understand what has happened to their brain is like gold.  Knowing that we are not going crazy is the most important thing because it feels that way.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Gracie
Thank you for sharing this valuable study with the Reboot Nation. I really hope everyone will read and understand this, and the importance of it.
I'm guilty of being addicted to PMO and struggled with MO for the past 40 years. I don't want to make excuses for myself or any addict. Most of the time we realise how wrong that what we are doing is. It is just so damn difficult to break free from it.
I think part of it is that it is very hard to identify a PMO addict. Unlike most other addictions e.g. Alcoholism, Hard drugs, and even Smoking, is that there are no physical signs to identify the PMO addict. Apart from those with ED, and even then it is no real evidence that it is PMO related unless the addict realises it and admit to it he can have a lot of "Valid" reasons for having ED.
So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, unless the addicts gets caught, and it gets out in the open there are no stigma to it. So it is easy for him to hide it and still save face. But still back at the ranch the addict have a real struggle and wish to break free from the bond his addiction has over him.
I still need to post my story, and are working on it. All I can say at this stage is that there were more than one incident, and through the culmination of all of them together I could break free! I've been free now for over 60 days. Not that it is easy! However I've come to the realisation that if I could make it this far, why should I waste this great opportunity.
Thankfully my wife, we are married for 9 years, are very supportive. Though she does not understand what it is that are so difficult about it. We now have a wonder full open relationship and with it all exposed and open we can talk about the PMO addiction. Just today she shared with me most of what I've just read in this study. So I can vouch that what the study says are real.
Together we have also decided to go through the reboot and not even having sex during the 90 day reboot. We now focus our time and energy on rebuilding the trust relationship between us and will be rebuilding our physical relationship.
Once again, thank you for sharing this link with us. I hope that all men will read this and get to realise it.

 

[Gracie]

Thank you PMOVictory I am glad that it helped.  If your wife doesn't come to this site, you might print it off for her to read.  As I said it is wonderful to read and know you are not going crazy.  And that there are wives helping their husbands.  A good book that helped my husband and I through my discovery of him using is "Love You, Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain. It explained a lot that my husband and I did not understand and it is written for couples.  He also has a blog by the same name that has tabs across the top which are very helpful and then he has a full archive of past blogs.  Very helpful reading.

The reason these articles and books help women is that we process things differently from men.  And having these things is so helpful.  We often talk to others to get our brain wrapped around something.  And with this, as I said not a lot of people to talk to.  I had one friend that I knew I could absolutely trust, and even then I could not tell her all of it.  Mostly because we are taught that if we can't keep our man happy in bed we are failures.  And this feels like the biggest failure of all to some of us.  Even now, after two years and there have been no slip ups by him, I am ever vigilant for signs.  Not because I don't trust him, but because this big ugly thing crept up on me and I didn't even know. 

I think you are lucky that your wife discovered you.  That makes it out front.  More traumatic that having your husband tell you.  But then you know there is no secret.  It enables you to be more honest.  So good for you walking this path.  Just so you know, it does get better.  In fact it gets best!  Still a moment once in a while.  But we are closer and know we can share anything!