Hi All
This isn't the first time i've posted on a site like this, many years ago I used to post on feedtherightwolf.org but stopped after I relapsed. Gosh that must be over four years ago now! Under advice from my current therapist i'm gonna start documenting my journal for myself more than anyone, and it's good to share
I'll try and be as concise as possible.
I'm a 34 year old man and I live in a rural area of north-west England with my parents. I grew up here and moved out to go to Uni when I was 24 or 25, was in a long term relationship for over six years and broke up due to my porn addiction and moved back home when I was 32.
I studied a creative subject at uni at Masters level, I recently changed career as I lost interest in that subject as I got older and am now a little bit lost in life.
At school I was bullied excessively. I thought I was completely worthless, ugly, and not good enough - too strange to get a girlfriend. I was bullied a lot by girls, boys and even some teachers at school and called ugly and retarded a lot, this made me angry as when I look at pictures of myself before high school I was a handsome lad, by the time I finished school I was overweight and didn't care about my appearence anymore.
After I finished college, I spent my early 20s on my own playing video games, watching movies and copious amounts of porn. I would go out with mates occasionally but most of the time I was at home desperately bored. At this point I didn't consider my porn use to be an issue, and still had a very low opinion of myself. I only really had one friend and my older brother as company.
I moved out of my parents home and went to uni when I was 24 where I quickly made a close circle of friends - most of them foreign, and a lot of them girls. In my final year of uni I was living with three beautiful girls in the same house 8)
I had a huge crush on one of them, and was close friends with the other two. I remember getting extremely jealous when my crush would go out and hook up with other guys, when we lived under the same roof, which compounded my belief of not being good enough. I had never felt this feeling of anger and emptiness before and I think this was a turning point for me to actually really 'wanting' a girlfriend.
Towards the end of my final year I got together with my ex girlfriend - a boisterous, eccentric and very attractive spanish woman who was 8 years older than me. We were close friends before and lived together, we had a genuine connection and used to stay up late into the night talking about everything. I felt very comfortable with her, she was the first woman to tell me she liked me - this felt fantastic!
...However the sex was terrible! My first time was not good I couldn't maintain an erection, in the six years we went out I climaxed during penetrative sex a total of about five times, this made her feel horrible and added to my already massive amount of guilt and shame. I used porn throughout the relationship in secret.
So to fast-track this a bit as its a bit of a long boring story. Porn killed that relationship. When I look back at it now there were other factors affecting it - my complete lack of experience in sex, my misunderstanding of what sex was supposed to be, incompatibilities in our characters, anxiety, depression etc. etc. During the relationship was the first time I felt truly suicidal - how could I continue watching porn when it was breaking my girlfriend's heart? what was wrong with me?
It was on and off between us for years, but due to our financial circumstances and us both studying masters degrees we continued living together which made a very unhealthy environment to live in.
Anyhoo...
After the breakup I dove head first into internet porn, I sought help through a psycho sexual therapist who specialized in addictions, it helped my self confidence a bit but I continued using porn anyway as I had no reason to stop now I was single.
I found my professional career falling apart - I wasn't enthusiastic about it anymore, my social circle became much smaller, and I had recurring bouts of suicidal tendencies - sleeping with a knife under my pillow, going for long drives late at night, lots and lots of sleepless nights fantasizing about killing myself and all sorts. Its scary to look back at it now.
After a while I've wound up back at my parents in the north of England which is where I still am now, working outside of the industry I trained so hard to be in, I earn peanuts and have little career prospects, but I have a full time job which i'm grateful for and is something my previous profession never offered me as well as some decent friends here.
My low point mentioned in the title of this post was going to a mate's stag do in Amsterdam in late March this year. I'd already decided I wanted to visit the red light district, and talked my brother into flying there a day earlier than my mates so I could 'do the deed'. I went there, ditched my brother in a bar and got it over and done with.
I felt confused and embarrassed but not too bad the day after, then after admitting it to my mates I felt overwhelming guilt, one of my mates - a long term friend of mine who has had a lot of girlfriends in the past, said he would never pay for sex as he couldn't live with the guilt... great..
Cue the return of the suicidal thoughts and the overwhelming feeling of numbness which continued until I got back to the UK. I still continued using porn though. And to top it off i'd decided I really liked Cannabis!
I decided to seek help a month ago, contacted a local psycho-sexual therapist and see him once a week. He's a top guy and I actually look forward to our meetings. I also watch Johnny Berba's videos on Youtube as I can relate to a lot of the things he's been through, he in particular has shown me that I have worth, am a damn decent friendly guy and deserve love.
Something changed inside of myself and I feel stronger and have more resolve than I ever did before. I can not watch porn daily. Recently though my cannabis use has been high, and I drink more than I did before. So i'm worried i've cut out one addiction and replaced it with another. I used to exercise a bit, I love walking in the lakes, and go Thai boxing twice a week but haven't done any of that recently.
I haven't watched porn since early April, its been the longest i've gone without porn in years, and although the temptation is there I understand the consequences and what its done to me and others around me better than before, so I can usually back my mind out of the trigger moments for now.
I have also been on an online dating site and messaging girls - my intention was just to practice talking with women and getting over my shyness and practicing congruency, however I ended up meeting a girl in person through the site!
Through her i've learnt I love affection, both giving and receiving, hugs, kisses caressing, being touched etc. The advice I learnt in the past about dealing with ED and off this site was this is all very good, it turned sexual a couple of times and I couldn't climax, but I've learnt to laugh it off if I can't 'make it' and just enjoy her company, and amazingly she's been fine with it too so far.
My issue now is I've replaced porn addiction with drinking, smoking cigarettes and cannabis, as well as meeting up with this girl and receiving affection.
In my opinion the cannabis use on its own has helped me to look at my life introspectively, as for me personally when I get high it allows me to see myself for who I really am. I do however appreciate it is another addiction and has destructive qualities as well.
I've not drunk alcohol or smoked the past three days and to be honest its bloody tough! my online cuddle-girl hasn't been around either as she's a bit of a drive away and has kids, so i've felt quite down again, but the desire to watch porn isn't there much at all thankfully.
Well done to anyone for making it through that pile of rubbish! it's been a while since i've sat at a computer and typed anything in length like this and its hard to make it concise and my grammar is awful, sorry!
I'll try and keep this journal going.
This isn't the first time i've posted on a site like this, many years ago I used to post on feedtherightwolf.org but stopped after I relapsed. Gosh that must be over four years ago now! Under advice from my current therapist i'm gonna start documenting my journal for myself more than anyone, and it's good to share
I'll try and be as concise as possible.
I'm a 34 year old man and I live in a rural area of north-west England with my parents. I grew up here and moved out to go to Uni when I was 24 or 25, was in a long term relationship for over six years and broke up due to my porn addiction and moved back home when I was 32.
I studied a creative subject at uni at Masters level, I recently changed career as I lost interest in that subject as I got older and am now a little bit lost in life.
At school I was bullied excessively. I thought I was completely worthless, ugly, and not good enough - too strange to get a girlfriend. I was bullied a lot by girls, boys and even some teachers at school and called ugly and retarded a lot, this made me angry as when I look at pictures of myself before high school I was a handsome lad, by the time I finished school I was overweight and didn't care about my appearence anymore.
After I finished college, I spent my early 20s on my own playing video games, watching movies and copious amounts of porn. I would go out with mates occasionally but most of the time I was at home desperately bored. At this point I didn't consider my porn use to be an issue, and still had a very low opinion of myself. I only really had one friend and my older brother as company.
I moved out of my parents home and went to uni when I was 24 where I quickly made a close circle of friends - most of them foreign, and a lot of them girls. In my final year of uni I was living with three beautiful girls in the same house 8)
I had a huge crush on one of them, and was close friends with the other two. I remember getting extremely jealous when my crush would go out and hook up with other guys, when we lived under the same roof, which compounded my belief of not being good enough. I had never felt this feeling of anger and emptiness before and I think this was a turning point for me to actually really 'wanting' a girlfriend.
Towards the end of my final year I got together with my ex girlfriend - a boisterous, eccentric and very attractive spanish woman who was 8 years older than me. We were close friends before and lived together, we had a genuine connection and used to stay up late into the night talking about everything. I felt very comfortable with her, she was the first woman to tell me she liked me - this felt fantastic!
...However the sex was terrible! My first time was not good I couldn't maintain an erection, in the six years we went out I climaxed during penetrative sex a total of about five times, this made her feel horrible and added to my already massive amount of guilt and shame. I used porn throughout the relationship in secret.
So to fast-track this a bit as its a bit of a long boring story. Porn killed that relationship. When I look back at it now there were other factors affecting it - my complete lack of experience in sex, my misunderstanding of what sex was supposed to be, incompatibilities in our characters, anxiety, depression etc. etc. During the relationship was the first time I felt truly suicidal - how could I continue watching porn when it was breaking my girlfriend's heart? what was wrong with me?
It was on and off between us for years, but due to our financial circumstances and us both studying masters degrees we continued living together which made a very unhealthy environment to live in.
Anyhoo...
After the breakup I dove head first into internet porn, I sought help through a psycho sexual therapist who specialized in addictions, it helped my self confidence a bit but I continued using porn anyway as I had no reason to stop now I was single.
I found my professional career falling apart - I wasn't enthusiastic about it anymore, my social circle became much smaller, and I had recurring bouts of suicidal tendencies - sleeping with a knife under my pillow, going for long drives late at night, lots and lots of sleepless nights fantasizing about killing myself and all sorts. Its scary to look back at it now.
After a while I've wound up back at my parents in the north of England which is where I still am now, working outside of the industry I trained so hard to be in, I earn peanuts and have little career prospects, but I have a full time job which i'm grateful for and is something my previous profession never offered me as well as some decent friends here.
My low point mentioned in the title of this post was going to a mate's stag do in Amsterdam in late March this year. I'd already decided I wanted to visit the red light district, and talked my brother into flying there a day earlier than my mates so I could 'do the deed'. I went there, ditched my brother in a bar and got it over and done with.
I felt confused and embarrassed but not too bad the day after, then after admitting it to my mates I felt overwhelming guilt, one of my mates - a long term friend of mine who has had a lot of girlfriends in the past, said he would never pay for sex as he couldn't live with the guilt... great..
Cue the return of the suicidal thoughts and the overwhelming feeling of numbness which continued until I got back to the UK. I still continued using porn though. And to top it off i'd decided I really liked Cannabis!
I decided to seek help a month ago, contacted a local psycho-sexual therapist and see him once a week. He's a top guy and I actually look forward to our meetings. I also watch Johnny Berba's videos on Youtube as I can relate to a lot of the things he's been through, he in particular has shown me that I have worth, am a damn decent friendly guy and deserve love.
Something changed inside of myself and I feel stronger and have more resolve than I ever did before. I can not watch porn daily. Recently though my cannabis use has been high, and I drink more than I did before. So i'm worried i've cut out one addiction and replaced it with another. I used to exercise a bit, I love walking in the lakes, and go Thai boxing twice a week but haven't done any of that recently.
I haven't watched porn since early April, its been the longest i've gone without porn in years, and although the temptation is there I understand the consequences and what its done to me and others around me better than before, so I can usually back my mind out of the trigger moments for now.
I have also been on an online dating site and messaging girls - my intention was just to practice talking with women and getting over my shyness and practicing congruency, however I ended up meeting a girl in person through the site!
Through her i've learnt I love affection, both giving and receiving, hugs, kisses caressing, being touched etc. The advice I learnt in the past about dealing with ED and off this site was this is all very good, it turned sexual a couple of times and I couldn't climax, but I've learnt to laugh it off if I can't 'make it' and just enjoy her company, and amazingly she's been fine with it too so far.
My issue now is I've replaced porn addiction with drinking, smoking cigarettes and cannabis, as well as meeting up with this girl and receiving affection.
In my opinion the cannabis use on its own has helped me to look at my life introspectively, as for me personally when I get high it allows me to see myself for who I really am. I do however appreciate it is another addiction and has destructive qualities as well.
I've not drunk alcohol or smoked the past three days and to be honest its bloody tough! my online cuddle-girl hasn't been around either as she's a bit of a drive away and has kids, so i've felt quite down again, but the desire to watch porn isn't there much at all thankfully.
Well done to anyone for making it through that pile of rubbish! it's been a while since i've sat at a computer and typed anything in length like this and its hard to make it concise and my grammar is awful, sorry!
I'll try and keep this journal going.