Unablity to love your GF

[GoodMood]

Hi guys.

I'm wondering if my unability to love my GFs is related to my porn addiction.

This is the second time this year that I get into a relationship, and 2 months in, I still can't feel "in love".
When we're walking in the streets I can't help but desire other women. Or if one day she doesn't look as sexy, I feel like i'm losing attraction. I know how fucked up this sounds, and I know relationships are much more than just physical appearance and sex.

Even though I really appreciate this girl, I just don't feel like i'm able to really connect with her and to love her the way she deserves to be loved.

When we are away for a few days, and I start missing her, I can't really tell if I'm missing all the affection, the cuddling, the touching  or if i'm really missing "her".

I'm gonna have to do the mature thing this week and end the relationship. I think dealing with my reboot while having to take care of my girlfriend is just too hard and complicated.


Has anyone here felt the same thing? Even though you really like a girl and love spending time with her, you can't feel in Love?

I'm guessing this is one of the symptoms of porn addiction. Numbed emotions, numbed feelings and pleasure response...

It's a sad thing having a girl love you and not being able to appreciate or feel that love,  and especially not being able to love her back. I hope this will change with time...

 

[stangles]

Maybe you just don't love her. People don't love someone just because that someone loves you.

 

[Alanator]

Do you have OCD? Does the thought of not loving her scare you?

 

[fugu]

There's definitely a chance that maybe you guys aren't a "right" fit...but I also think you should bear in mind that many people report complete and total emotional numbness with pornography addiction. It's definitely a tough situation to be in, but I think even the numbed emotions due to porn you can find your true feelings about her with some introspection and reflection. Good luck friend!

 

[Bibbity]

There are studies out there that say all of these things can happen to people who watch porn.  They tend to be more focused on physical appearance and lose love for their partners as they become more critical of how they look.  Porn is pure evil.

Did you watch Gabes video on the home page?  I believe I remember him saying he felt an inability to feel love...only lust.  This went away after his reboot.

 

[Mart71]

I'm gonna have to do the mature thing this week and end the relationship. I think dealing with my reboot while having to take care of my girlfriend is just too hard and complicated.

Imo the mature thing is trying to work out issues, before you end things onesided. Just saying.

Is it hard? Yes. I got a girlfriend the same time I stopped porn and it wasn't smooth sailing. But I was blessed that even though my emotions were massively numbed, my love for her was still stronger. It gave me the power to keep going.

I'd give a proper reboot a chance first. Your emotions probably won't change overnight, but it will start a few months in. I remember I started to be able to cry again after about two or three months into my reboot. I almost never cried for decades before that.

Stop porn for good, probably stop masturbation for a while as well if you are having sex, and just focus on your girl. If you still feel no emotional connection after a few months of rebooting, then you can still end it and be sure you gave it your best shot.

 

[Un1111]

I think you should take one step at a time and think things through before you start questioning your relationship. It would be best that you start with rebooting, then maybe think about how you feel when your at the right state of mind. That's how I feel, but then it's only you who can decide where to go from here.

 

[GoodMood]

I broke up with her.

I gotta sort my life out before I can get in a serious relationship.
I decided to go hardmode to speed things up.
The porn definitely numbed my emotions but I'm already starting to see some progress.

Walked down the street today feeling relaxed and clear headed for the first time in a long long time. I usually feel self conscious and like all eyes are on me.

I'm just gonna keep going, beat this thing, crush my fears and reach my goals.

Peace!

 

[jkkk]

GoodMood,

in my view, in these few posts you described a few typical PMO addiction symptoms:

1. "eyes on you" - an absolutely awful anxiety-driven symptom; I had this for years (especially during adolescence) when I was really using a lot. A lot; this problem subsided after a reboot

2. inability to love - inability to feel higher emotions towards opposite sex; "only lust, no love" - check how do you feel as regards your friendships with males/females and not if they are any differences there

3. desire towards other women - look at the sequences of your sentences

This is the second time this year that I get into a relationship, and 2 months in, I still can't feel "in love".
When we're walking in the streets I can't help but desire other women.

It's not really that you do not feel love. You probably "feel" love deep inside (ie. it's there, it's in you!), but desire towards other woman overrides it.

I can only refer you to the thread on "Objectifying Women" (same section as this thread) - go read it all, from beginning to the end!

I may sound like some bighead, but the truth is I just have (or had as with no. 1) all these problems and I'm pretty sure they come from this addiction.

 

[Viper]

Lets examine your inability to love your GF and how it relates to your porn problem;
Why do we even turn to porn at all when we are in a serious relationship?
It's because the females we're browsing for online are the ones we would rather be fucking!
That's the fantasy-
Doesn't mean we don't care for our SO (significant other).
What's going through your mind is that you wish your girl had an ass like hers or you wish
your girl sucked you off the way this other one does in the video. You're not satisfied so
you're seeking something that you believe isn't harmful to the relationship by indulging in
porn and beating your meat.
So how is that any different when you're out in public and you see a gal with awesome tits
or another with a nice pair of full lips?
You're gonna feel that same desire that you have when you're browsing porn. And that's not
being satisfied with your current SO.
Then what happens as you delve deeper into PIED, nothing she does will turn you on.
And you begin to question why you started dating her to begin with.
That's the vicious cycle and what I'm writing here is the certified truth  8)

 

[Taka]

There are studies out there that say all of these things can happen to people who watch porn.  They tend to be more focused on physical appearance and lose love for their partners as they become more critical of how they look.

Damn, that is exactly what I have been doing with my girlfriends past few years. I like them at first, getting rush and thrill just from seeing them, kissing them, holding their hand. There is a big BUT- almost from the first moment I find something about their appearance and it is creeping into my head more and more, even though they are good looking girls. Even though I like them, this flaw starts to unconciously alter my behaviour towards them (kind of hostile or passive agressive) and it goes to shit. So there might be some truth to it.

 

[Bibbity]

Lets examine your inability to love your GF and how it relates to your porn problem;
Why do we even turn to porn at all when we are in a serious relationship?
It's because the females we're browsing for online are the ones we would rather be fucking!
That's the fantasy-
Doesn't mean we don't care for our SO (significant other).
What's going through your mind is that you wish your girl had an ass like hers or you wish
your girl sucked you off the way this other one does in the video. You're not satisfied so
you're seeking something that you believe isn't harmful to the relationship by indulging in
porn and beating your meat.
So how is that any different when you're out in public and you see a gal with awesome tits
or another with a nice pair of full lips?
You're gonna feel that same desire that you have when you're browsing porn. And that's not
being satisfied with your current SO.
Then what happens as you delve deeper into PIED, nothing she does will turn you on.
And you begin to question why you started dating her to begin with.
That's the vicious cycle and what I'm writing here is the certified truth  8)

I wouldn't say this is true for everyone.  Most people turn to porn because it's easier than sexual relations with a real woman.  You don't need to turn her on, she's always horny for whatever you want to do to her, she doesn't speak or have any needs whatsoever.  You control the pace, the time etc.  sooooo much easier than in a real relationship with a woman who is a human being.  What's missing is intimacy and love.  You are operating in your reptilian brain and it takes practice to operate in a higher thinking brain.  There is nothing wrong with your partner, it's your brain and it will try to rationalize your porn addiction by saying something is "off" with your partner.  Then when PIED hits the shame of it will turn completely into blaming your partner.  My husband rationalized so much in our relationship and made up stories in his head that weren't true!  This addiction really is the same as any other.

 

[Viper]

I wouldn't say this is true for everyone.  Most people turn to porn because it's easier than sexual relations with a real woman.  You don't need to turn her on, she's always horny for whatever you want to do to her, she doesn't speak or have any needs whatsoever.  You control the pace, the time etc.  sooooo much easier than in a real relationship with a woman who is a human being.  What's missing is intimacy and love.  You are operating in your reptilian brain and it takes practice to operate in a higher thinking brain.  There is nothing wrong with your partner, it's your brain and it will try to rationalize your porn addiction by saying something is "off" with your partner.  Then when PIED hits the shame of it will turn completely into blaming your partner.  My husband rationalized so much in our relationship and made up stories in his head that weren't true!  This addiction really is the same as any other.

I agree that those are also part of the reasons why guys turn to porn. But you have to understand that if a man has an ounce of dignity/class, they will not tell their SO that one of the reasons why they do porn is because of fantasizing having sex with women who are more attractive.
Just like a woman with any dignity or morals at all will never tell her husband that she's had better lovers or handled bigger cocks than his.  8)
And for any guys reading this, it's probably best that you don't know....so don't ask her  8)

 

[Bibbity]

I wouldn't say this is true for everyone.  Most people turn to porn because it's easier than sexual relations with a real woman.  You don't need to turn her on, she's always horny for whatever you want to do to her, she doesn't speak or have any needs whatsoever.  You control the pace, the time etc.  sooooo much easier than in a real relationship with a woman who is a human being.  What's missing is intimacy and love.  You are operating in your reptilian brain and it takes practice to operate in a higher thinking brain.  There is nothing wrong with your partner, it's your brain and it will try to rationalize your porn addiction by saying something is "off" with your partner.  Then when PIED hits the shame of it will turn completely into blaming your partner.  My husband rationalized so much in our relationship and made up stories in his head that weren't true!  This addiction really is the same as any other.

I agree that those are also part of the reasons why guys turn to porn. But you have to understand that if a man has an ounce of dignity/class, they will not tell their SO that one of the reasons why they do porn is because of fantasizing having sex with women who are more attractive.
Just like a woman with any dignity or morals at all will never tell her husband that she's had better lovers or handled bigger cocks than his.  8)
And for any guys reading this, it's probably best that you don't know....so don't ask her  8)

Then I would say that those "relationships" are shallow and based on a persons looks or cock size rather than real love.  I would say that a person who fantasizes about others while in a relationship is objectifying their partner and has a warped sense of what sex and relationships are all about.

 

[iamsecond]

Guys, this is my first post on to this forum. I registered to ask the same question about relationship between porn and ability to love.I have absolutely fabulous GF and ... I keep watching porn and keep seeking flaws in her.It all comes together with objectifying womed.I look, I gaze at butts, breast, legs of EVERY women I met in order to assure that I have the best looking GF considering all aspects (physical).It gets me frustrated and makes my watch porn.I hate myself for porn addiction (?) and inability to love a womam with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.Is this flaws seeking porn-related?

 

[Viper]

Guys, this is my first post on to this forum. I registered to ask the same question about relationship between porn and ability to love.I have absolutely fabulous GF and ... I keep watching porn and keep seeking flaws in her.It all comes together with objectifying womed.I look, I gaze at butts, breast, legs of EVERY women I met in order to assure that I have the best looking GF considering all aspects (physical).It gets me frustrated and makes my watch porn.I hate myself for porn addiction (?) and inability to love a womam with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.Is this flaws seeking porn-related?

You're looking at women as objects and porn definitely intensifies that.
You not only need to reboot from PMO but also from ass gazing, gawking, etc.
I had to go through the same thing.