Restart to the fight of my life

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maddscottm

Guest
Yesterday was really a challenging day.  I so wanted to be online on the sites looking for someone to mess with.  I resisted, but ended up looking at pics of hot bodied models for about 5 mins, no MO though.
Tonight I am headed into the city and it's been a habit to visit one of the clubs there.  Very hard to resist this for me.....
 
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BlueSun

Guest
I just read this post right before yours. Seemed to fit. Even a graphic.
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Blue Sun, was there a link you meant to send?  Don't see it, but send again and I will read whatever you recommend.
I did go into the city last night and did NOT hit a club or adult bookstore.  Very tempted to though but what made the difference is my weight training.  I've just started a 5 week workout plan where I lift 4x a week and do cardio 2x.  Yesterday was a lifting day, and the workouts are over an hour and very intensive.  I HATE the idea of missing even once, and in the past have done longer regimens with zero misses.
So I realized I could do either the club scene or come home and get my workout in.  I chose the workout, and finished about midnight.  Was horned for action afterwards (as usual) but my wife was asleep by that point.  :(  A bit of blue balls syndrome today, but even though not exemplary behavior, i did manage not to mess up.
 
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BlueSun

Guest
aah yeah, here's the link:
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=9375.msg97696;topicseen#msg97696
 
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tiredofthe struggle

Active Member
Good luck, your problems sound not unlike mine. Have it all yet this addiction keeps coming back to fuck things up.

I have a wife who i think is really hot, and sex life is great and regular, yet like you stupidly i have these unexplained urges to disrespect her and worse my children. Although i have to say have resisted acting out for their sake, but understand your feelings.

I agree that to view porn in itself is hurtful and disrespectful, however to act out is even worse so keep telling yourself that.

We should win by just reminding ourselves at times of weakness how lucky we are, many of the guys on here sound like they have nobody else to win for.

Be strong, be selfless and see the positives in what we already have, the rest just fucks up our lives and worse those around us.

Good luck and hope to see you hit 90 days
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Thanks, Blue Sun, for the link.  Good read.  Thanks Tired for the post.  Nice to know we're not alone, and you're right to stress how lucky we are to have the women we do.
So good news/bad news.  Bad news first:  Yesterday I watched some sexy GIFS and ended up with MO.  So although it wasn;t the streaming P videos of the past, it was clearly sexual and P under a different guise, so I have reset my counter.
Good news: despite terrible urges (partly released by the above) I did not go online to one of the hook up sites which has been my toughest addiction.  So I'm taking it as a stumble on the upward climb to the P-free life.
Otherwise, all OK here.
 
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BlueSun

Guest
How long did you make it this time?  Are the stretches getting longer?  I bet your No-Saying equipment is getting stronger!!!!!! 
 
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maddscottm

Guest
So my record without P is like 25 days.  Had the fall down the other day where I watched an animated GIF with some action....only 3 seconds long but it repeats forever.  After seeing that and jerking off, I found the image stuck in my head even the next day (yesterday) and still somewhat today--2 days later.  I spent all of 10 mins looking at that one image and now it's been stuck in my mind for 48 hrs.
That tells me that there's no "porn-lite" which is acceptable, or no small quantities of P that my brain can handle.  I need to be P-free in absolute terms, or I am not free at all in any respect.
Soooo tempted to be on the hookup sites looking for some play but have resisted and continue to.
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Yesterday was tough on all fronts but i made it through.  Raised the goal on the "no hookup sites" counter from 25 days to 35 days.  Seriously if I could be free of that addiction, life would be so much better.  In the past, it consumed so much time that it affected my job.
I find there's a weird kind of rush I get from getting online responses.  I am currently selling something on Ebay, and I find I am checking all the time to see how many views, watchers, bidders, etc.  It' similar to getting responses to an online hook up post.  When I see that little flag that says someone wants to chat, i get this rush of dopamine.
Being accountable here, and having the counter, have been hugely helpful.
 
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maddscottm

Guest
weekend was OK, not time online.  Too busy living my life.
Workouts continue to go well though challenging.
All in all, things going fine.
 
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tiredofthe struggle

Active Member
well done avoiding the hook ups, that is the more risky of the habits, hurting those around you, even STI's etc. It was those two risks that stopped me!

Weekends always easy for me as away from the computer, actually considered changing my job to one that involves me being around people and away from the computer all day, that would go a long way towards providing a cure.

Keep going
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Hi Tired, thanks for the encouragement.  Yeah, if everyday was a weekend, I'd be golden!  It;s when i am in the office and no one else is around, it's after hours and i;ve been tempted all day, that's when I get into trouble.
Yesterday for example, i started experimenting with a cock ring to see what that did to my hard ons.  Well of course I "needed" something to make me hard in the first place, and ended up online.
So that's a reset, but still holding off on the hookup sites.  One victory, one day, at a time.
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Yesterday was a bust.  So horned i MO'd twice.  Have not done that in a long while.  Still off the hookup sites though.
Workouts going great (but they plus the hot weather are making super horned).
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Yesterday was a good day.  No issues falling down.  I find it helps to be busy, also to have to check in here helps a lot.
 
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maddscottm

Guest
So I ended up streaming something yesterday.  Then I found myself revisiting the scene while I was getting busy with my wife last night.  Specifically I noticed I didn't need anything to arouse me other than her, but after her climax I was still going with no O in sight, so I rummaged around my porn-addled brain for something I could unload to.  Twisted I know.  It showed me the hold P has on my brain.  It was kind of related to PIED but specifically only around the big finish.

Still keeping off the hook up sites for over a month now.  Huge improvement in my life as a result.

Will be hitting the mountains tomorrow for 9 days, so no more wifi.  I actually love being off the grid.  It's relaxing, esp. if out in nature.  Plus I can automatically add 9 days to my counter.  ;D
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Just back from my trip in the woods.  No ability to be online looking at all the wrong stuff.
Absolutely no P and M-O during that time other than sex with my wife.  Really great to be off the hook up sites.
Feel good about things now!
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Thanks, Blue.  The fact that I am not on the Nation much is a good sign anyway.  I think i've progressed to the point of not needing the daily check in.  At the beginning of my restart, I really benefitted from the accountability the daily updates required.  Now I feel the training wheels are off, I am free to be more independent.  I've not done any backsliding, not feeling like there's an active addiction right now.  Honestly feel pretty good.  And in a way the Nation reminds me of a darker time, of no self-control, of lots of self-hatred.  So I'll be coming here less, maybe lurking more, posting to support others when I can.

Workouts have been going great:  very challenging, but I am super disciplined and a bit proud of myself.  ;D  I don't mention my workout regimen to anyone i work with, but here I have mentioned it, so thought I repeat how helpful it is to commit yrself to something hard which requires a lot of discipline.  In the middle of an intense 6 week regimen, then 1 week off, then up a notch further in intensity.

Work is also good.  No longer distracted by sites that make it near impossible to get anything done.  Have a second chance at a job promotion, where the first chance was sabotaged by P.  I resolved with my restart that I would not let that happen again.  So I am working on that proposal, though I often have doubts that they would never pick ME of all people....It's due in 8 weeks.  I hope to finish it early.

Hope y'all are hanging in there.  There is healing, you know....

Pax
Scott
 
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maddscottm

Guest
Just an update y'all.  Haven't been on the Nation much, except to read other posts.  Took a break from posting.
As for me, good and bad:  Good:  i have finished the proposal for a better job.  It is still a long shot, but I feel that I did my best.  As mentioned, I previously had a chance to do this, but the proposal was sucky, due to my P-addiction, and was rejected.  This one is much better, so if it does not happen, it won't be due to Porn.
workouts are going great. Very very focused.  Just finished a 7 week cycle where i had to workout 42 times, 28 of which were heavy and 14 light.  Was 100% compliant.  Took a light week, had some wine and dessert one night out with my wife, now back at it hard core.  Week 1 of a 6 week cycle.
not using P every day like i used to but not yet at zero use either.  Have a steady FWB on the side now, but still check the hook up sites way more than I want.
two steps forward, one step back i guess.  At least i am no longer despondent like i used to be where i didn't see a way out or any path forward.
 
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