30 Days - Love Heals Program

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Day 20: Understand Her Even Better

To get to know my wife better, I am to answer these questions about her.  Then I am supposed to discuss them with her. 

What is her favorite kind of tree?  A cherry tree

Who was one of her earliest childhood friends? Family

How does she hope to be spending her time on a typical day five years from now? Working with her insurance customers.

What's one of her fondest memories from early in your relationship? Our trip to Boston

What's one of her favorite creative outlets? Painting

She was not in the mood to talk tonight so I may have to do this with her later.

 

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Day 21: Consider What It's like for a Woman

The exercise is to read the story of a 60 year old wife who's husband is always checking out other, younger women.  While reading, with your hand on your heart, you are to empathize with her.

My initial thought was that he could look all he wanted but, at the end of the day he was coming home with me (her).  But, as I thought that, I wondered if having his body without his mind or heart was worth it. 

Then I couldn't help but empathize with my wife.  I tried to see myself as she sees me.  I could feel the hurt and pain and loneliness she has spoken about.  I could feel her anger and her sense of betrayal.

As that wasn't exactly what this exercise was about, I also tried to think about what if she were starting a relationship with me now, would it be different?  The answer is that it would be different and so much better. 

I would live by practicing her presence as I would also practice the presence of God.  Kinda hard to do some of what I did with both of them always with me...

 

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Day 22: Create Safety Through Emotional Foreplay

Text your wife or girlfriend now: "What's making you laugh today?" A bit later text and ask, "What's weighing you down today?"

This is a great idea for developing intimacy and emotional connectedness.  I may be wrong, but I don't think that this is something that my wife would want to engage in right now.  I will have to get back to this later.

 

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Day 23: Be Her Emotional Hero

Put your hand(s) on your heart and imagine how it might go the next time your wife or girlfriend comes to you in distress. If you're single, you might imagine it's a female friend, family member, or someone from work. Notice any impulses you have: to bolt, to stammer, to defend, to minimize, to take on her distress or try to eliminate it by swooping in to fix the situation. Then take a nice full breath, pay attention to what you feel in your heart, press your hand(s) a little firmer against your chest, and simply sit with whatever you feel inside. Then hold your feelings aside and pay attention to what you imagine she might be feeling. Spend a few moments sitting with her emotions. She's coming to you for a reason: she trusts that you can give her the support she needs. Take courage and trust yourself that you can do just that, if you'll just hang in there and not pull away.

Im imagining her coming with her anger and hurt.  I try to imagine what she is feeling.  I want to listen between the lines so I can know her heart.

 

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Day 24: Get Hooked on Generosity

The actionable item for this day is doing acts of kindness towards others.  Funny this should come up.  I've spent the last week or so helping someone out that was trying to get their life back together.  A former drug addict that was even on Intervention.  After a whirlwind of a weekend, I helped him catch a bus on Saturday because things weren't working out for him here.

He was very grateful for my help and claimed that I was the only one he could trust for help.  While I don't believe that to be true, it was good to bee able to help someone out.  My wife knew what I was doing and also met him.

 

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Day 25: It's Your Energy Reclaim It!

Do It: Reclaim Your Energy

Put one or both hands on your heart and think ahead about when you might next be tempted. Commit now to exert yourself at that time in some way that fits for you.

Now imagine that you're in the midst of a potent temptation right now. Take a couple of minutes and go on a brisk walk. If the weather is prohibitive, walk up and down the stairs in your home or workplace a couple of times.

Brian over at Reboot Blueprint adds the following alternatives for when potent cravings hit: Push ups, sit ups, yoga, Pilates, and Tai Chi, and progressive relaxation. Go check out his article for more info on those.

Lately, I've been cleaning in the house and trying to work outside or in the garden to not have time to decide where to direct my energy.  I haven't been bored or lazy, and so far it's working.its been very easy to not fight temptations because I have not been allowing myself to get into situations where the temptations tend to arise.  And, when I am in other emotionally charged situations, I have not been considering porn as a crutch.

I do like the idea of exercise and God knows I need to do some.  My wife and I have talked about cutting the DirectTV and using that for a gym membership.  Think I'll call that in when I'm done with this.

 

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Day 26: Challenge The Brainwashing

Today I am supposed to see through the false ideals I have toward women:

What beliefs does that part of you hold about sex, women, and relationships?
I think THAT part of me believes that sex is something that men and women really enjoy doing with each other as often as possible. A woman should do all she can to sexually please her man and turn her man on sexually.  Men should give their woman as much attention and sexual pleasure as possible so that she feels fulfilled and appreciated.

THAT part believes that women are the junior partner to the man and someone for the man to care for and to be the knight in shining armor.  He supplies for her while she takes care of the home and his needs.

In relationships, THAT part believes that the man is the lead and the woman influences that lead.  He may be the head but she is the neck that turns the head.  THAT part doesn't know much about intimacy.  They both live their lives and intimacy is another word for sex.

What experiences were influential in shaping those views?
My view were shaped by watching the way my parents interacted , early exposure to porn and also by old-fashioned church doctrine.  Somehow, my mind tried to create a synergistic viewpoint with all of those influences that made sense.

How has your involvement in porn helped shape those views?
My involvement with porn included literature of the Penthouse variety that had women as sexually active as men.  The women were all teasing and pleasing the men in very forward and flirty ways. I always thought the women were really enjoying what the men were doing when it came to sex.  I also always thought that if a man could bring maximum pleasure to the woman, he would receive back maximum pleasure.  As it looks, maybe I should have read some of the Harlequin variety of erotic novels too...(jk) Unfortunately, although more of a woman's point of view, it still fantasy and not reality.

If it were another person who had these beliefs--someone you love who's younger and misinformed--how would you treat them? How might you mentor and enlighten them?
I would start them on the correct path of true intimacy.  Teach them about really getting to know their wife.  That they should teach each other about love and making love and not using porn.  Use all of their senses to get to know everything about all of each other.  Treat each other as partners and learn from each other.

 

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Day 27: Forgive the younger You Who Got Hooked

Do It: Forgive the Younger You Who Got Hooked

Now take a couple of minutes and imagine saying to your younger self, if you can do so sincerely, any of the following that fit:

"I completely get why you got caught up in this stuff. It was so exciting to you and you didn't see all the risks, even though you felt guilty and knew there was a downside."

"You are a good kid! (Or young man, or middle-aged man.) You're a wonderful person. This doesn't change any of that."

"You're not alone. Lots of guys find pornography very compelling and get caught up in it."

"The sexual side of you is beautiful and wonderful, don't you ever think otherwise just because porn can be a dark influence."

"I've learned since that first hook experience that this material is more sticky and difficult to deal with than it seems at first. It's downright addictive. I know now that it needs to be handled differently than it seemed I could get away handling it back then."

"I've also learned that the best way to get through struggles of all kinds is not by hating myself, but by loving myself. From now on I will be working differently with you."
"And I want to start by forgiving you. I'm not going to hold this against you anymore or hate you for it. I want to love you and help you love and accept yourself, even though you got caught up in porn.

"I'm involved in a program to help me learn to have more self-compassion. It will take some time, but I commit to you that I will follow through until I'm better at it and I can consistently enjoy more inner peace."

I highlighted the one that meant the most to me.  It's too easy to be categorized as my mistakes only and throw out the good in me.  I believe I am a good person at heart that does evil things.  The converse (evil person that does good) is not and cannot be true.  Otherwise, there is no hope for change.

 

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Day 28: Walk to Heal

Do It: Take a Healing Walk
Attune: Put your hand(s) on your heart as you start walking and now and then throughout your walk to help settle your mind and connect inwardly.
Shift: Let the rhythm of your body movements slow you from a thought-oriented mode of perceiving to a more heart-oriented mode.
Sense: Notice sights, sounds, and smells. Tune in to the feel of your limbs moving, the ground under your feet, and the movement of the air against your skin (which you'll notice even when it's not windy).
Feel: Check in with what you're feeling emotionally. Perhaps there are events or interactions from the day that have you a bit stirred up. If so, commiserate a bit with yourself about your feelings.
You might turn your walk into one or more of these:

A listening walk. Notice what, specifically, you hear. After noticing one sound, set that one aside and listen for another. Keep this going for a minute or so.

An appreciation walk. Take in the beauty and relish the scenery. Even in an urban area there is a lot to enjoy. After you savor the singing of the birds for a minute, be on the lookout for the next thing to appreciate--like that reflection of the clouds and gray sky in that standing water in that gutter.

A gratitude walk. Consider the various people and experiences in you're life for which you are thankful, and why. As you think about each, put your hand(s) on your heart and look heavenward as a reflection of your appreciation.

Ok.  I don't walk any more than I have to.  I have broken my neck in three places, , messed up my knee in the same motorcycle accident and am about 80 pounds overweight.  I also have flat feet.  I don't walk and definitely do not run unless I have to.

With that in consideration, I walked down the hall at work and thought about this activity.  I was excited during the walk because my wife and I have been communicating more as of late.  I am listening better to not just hear her words but to sense what she is feeling.  I find that I am appreciating her more than ever.

 

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Day 29: Notice What's Different

Do It: Consider the Impact

You've put in some valuable time and energy over the last month. It's time to evaluate the return you've received for your investment.

So, the idea is to consider the last 30 days and note the impact of the Love Heals Porn program.

I would have to say that I have learned about myself and about what love should look like through this program.  I have also shifted my focus away from NOT doing porn but to LOVING God, my wife and others.

It has been noted that there were days that I did not put as much effort into the activities as others and that is true.  However, my intention is to commit to accomplishing this program again at a later date.

I will add that I have realized that in retrospect, this program has benefited me by giving me something positive to do on nearly a daily basis.  I am glad it was brought to my attention.  I recommend it for everyone that is truly recovering from sex/porn addiction.

 

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Day 30: Unsubscribe or else

Not what I expected, but Mark offers continued email if you do not unsubscribe. I look forward to seeing what else he has to offer.