My Wife Is about to leave me because of Porn

[Nommiiss]

Hi All, This is not the first time I am writing on here.

I have been addicted to porn for a long time I even was caught once by my wife about 2 years ago and back then she almost left me.

And guess what I was caught again about a month ago... However, I can't seem to stop. I thought that if I can mastrabate it would be a good middle ground, however this keeps me going back to watching porn.. even on the brink of loosing everything I know that is safe I cant seem to get my mind right.

Well, my wife and I are again in a bad patch... The only hope I have is that she still wears her wedding rings, but she has not spoken to me for about 2 weeks and is getting worse. It would not surprise me that she will leave me now as she is taking me looking at pixels very personally and that she blaming what she perceives as her faults on why I wanted to watch porn.

I have decided that the only way for me is to go NOFAP...

Winning back her trust once was hard... If I can do the same the second time it will be a miracle!

 

[motojunky]

SimpleSimon,

Man I feel for you ... I am in the same boat about. So here is my advice ... Stop looking at porn and masturbation. Get educated http://yourbrainonporn.com/. Start to read through journals here of the PA's(Porn Addicts) and the partners of PA's. Look into what you are doing to her, try to understand how she feels(http://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/01/16/know-recovery/). Get outside of yourself. Why do you look at porn? Meet with a councilor.

1. Stop looking at porn and masturbation - this has to be for the right reason
2. Make a plan - share that plan with your wife(include her in your recovery, be mindful that some of this will upset her - she has a right to be upset, take it like a man)
3. Get educated
4. Seek help for yourself
5. Seek out your wife. Let her know how you feel even when she doesn't respond that great. Be honest.

Keeping your marriage in my prayers.

Moto

 

[j0int92]

Like Moto said: INCLUDE HER IN YOUR RECOVERY! How can you not have spoken for 2 weeks!? Did you try and explain to her that this is addiction and how porn affects the brain etc.? You literally have science on your side, not as an excuse, but as a much needed explanation. Moto says she has the right to be mad at you, I kinda disagree. She will have the reaction she'll have, of course, but she should ESPECIALLY be understanding that it is a problem and not something you really can control. Show her the videos, show her other people's tesimonies so she can see for herself that it has NOTHING to do with her.

Why would she even get mad at you watching porn in the first place, almost even dissolving the marriage? What the fuck? Does she never touch herself ever? I don't know you guys' relationship, but honestly, it sounds like there's a lot of communicational problems here... Sounds like you barely talked about you watching porn or even MO'ing considering her reaction the first time, as if it were unthinkable to her that you'd watch porn?

Good luck!! Keep us posted!

 

[roger5863]

I especially agree that you should think about meeting with an individual counselor.

There are strategies to get past this. Don't be ashamed of what is happening. The key is to avoid feeling ashamed to prevent the habit loop from recurring. Find a way to break the cycle and demonstrate to your wife that you're making massive effort to change things.

My wife and I had an extremely rough patch for about 6 months, but after several weeks of demonstrated effort things have started to turn around. Remember, don't feel too ashamed about what has happened as that will just trigger relapse. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

These books have been very helpful for me, in addition to counselling: http://rebootblueprint.com/5-books-that-will-help-your-reboot/

 

[Nommiiss]

Thanks all for the advice.. This is going to be taught... Essentially, I agree with pretty much all you have said.

We have spoken, however, not engaged in any meaningful conversation. I don't think understands or wants to put up with the Porn in anyway. She does not watch it or likes it and for some time I have been using it to release on.

And like every marriage, we have our underlying issues.

I have told her that I could not help it... And that it was something that I was compelled to do that it is and addicting, but I think she very strong minded and does not understand.

I just have to keep on trying...

I do believe that noFap is the way to go... If I don't Fap then I stop the "want" to go to look at the sites to watch.

Thanks for your support guys. I am going to take all advice on-board!

Love you all and thanks for the help

 

[j0int92]

I have told her that I could not help it... And that it was something that I was compelled to do that it is and addicting, but I think she very strong minded and does not understand.

"I couldn't help it" and "I felt compelled to do it" is not something anyone is gonna understand. This porn addiction is such a new phenomenon that it's still not well-known or  accepted as such. If you had told her you were addicted to crack or something it would be another talk, but porn? Hell, even most of US didn't realise it was actually an addiction; "everybody does it," right? That's why you really have to study the whole neurological process of porn, educate yourself so you can educate her in hopes she'll come to understand it as a legitimate addiction and not a bad excuse! Do this for yourself and her. Watch all the TED talks about addiction and porn. How will she be able to refute science and the empirical testimonies of THOUSANDS of people?! If she does refute, she will be part of the problem and will just be a hindrance to your recovery. You need the love, support and understanding of your loved one(s) and not be cast away. What does she think would help most: to support the heroin addict who REALLY wants to fuckign quit but has this EXTREME physical addiction that he LITERALLY cannot control which makes him relapse every time? Or alienate/shun/cast him away for relapsing and not being in control of something he can't possibly tame? Especially considering the fact that most addicts end in addiction or drugs BECAUSE they're lonely to begin with or have a void they can't seem to fill. Check the rat park experiment. The more you understand the addiction the easier it is to overcome it (admittedly Idk how much research you've already done about addiction and P addiction, but it sounds like you haven't, so I'm just putting it out there!)

You really do need a deep, meaningful conversation about this. Talk. Tell each other how it makes you both feel. Listen to each other, UDNERSTAND each other. Once you reach mutual comprehension the road to recovery will be a much, much easier one.

Please sort this out, keep your head up we're always here for you! I really do believe the above will solve the most dangerous issue present right now. If you reach mutual understanding she (should) will stop resenting you, paving the way for open, healthy dialogue which will further increase your chances for recovery and essentially rid you of this curse tainting and threatening your marriage.

GOOD LUCK!! Much love!=) <3

 

[workingonit]

Very tough but you must feel good for taking the step to be here to sort it out!

Have you added K9?

Your wife can set the password. 

http://www1.k9webprotection.com

Like the other guys say, get educated and ask her if she will join you in your journey.  There are some amazing women on this site 'Objectified1' being one of them than can help you and her.

Not good luck!  Good strength to you!!!!!!!! You have admitted is publicly which is a release.  A councillor is an amazing idea, it worked for me!

 

[Objectified1]

I totally disagree with joint92. She may understand that you have become addicted to porn in time as I have with my hubby, but do I think that makes it ok? Does that make it ANY better? NO! It makes it understandable that the reason he isn't stopping isn't directly related to me, however, why did he start getting his sexual gratification from other women in the first place?? How did he develope an addiction to porn, while married to me?? That hurts. In my husbands case, it developed 10 years after we were married. He had a life long MO Habit, weekly, but not an addiction to Porn. Me and hubby are about a year into recovery. It has been a year since he has viewed porn or MO, or so he tells me. I believe him. It is hard for your wife to go through. You can try watching and listening to Jason Martinkus kitchen convos on you tube. There is the covenant eyes blog which also has some real good resources. My husband stopped once it was in the open and I knew about it. You probably think , yea right, but it's obvious (in our case). He does things to earn my trust such as, he never has his phone in private. He deleted Facebook. He doesn't spend half an hour in the bathroom. He never locks the door after the kids are in bed. He has covenant eyes software on his phone and any electronics he uses. His PIED is gone.... That's a huge sign. He is different now that porn is gone. Thank God. It's hard for men to understand, I'm not sure why. I still can't figure out why men don't see it the same as us. I think personally, that it's society's conditioning. When your SO is looking at other naked women and getting off to them how can't we take that as "your not enough"? Was there some reason you were not using your wife for your sexual gratification? For every guy this answer is different, I know. Some started and became addicted before marriage. In my husbands case, that's not how it went. If you feel up to it you can read my story in my journal in the women's section and in the spouses section you can read my posts as well. There are many women on here who can tell you what she's going through and it may be helpful. if you are determined and if you love your wife I am sure you can keep her. She needs to see that you are committed to her and that she's worth it to you. Good luck. Hope things go well for you.

 

[j0int92]

Objectified1,

but do I think that makes it ok? Does that make it ANY better? NO!

If you had cared to read a little more cautiously you might have found that I, in fact, never said it was an excuse, but an explanation.

why did he start getting his sexual gratification from other women in the first place?? How did he develope (sic!) an addiction to porn, while married to me?? That hurts.

"why did he start getting his sexual gratification from other women in the first place?" so, would you be mad if he fantasised about someone else? ANY sexologist or couple counsellor is gonna tell you that it's COMPLETELY natural to fantasise about other people, however much it hurts, and it shouldn't be taboo or forbidden. It's only natural to have fantasies, don't you? And if you don't, can you honestly tell me you're not repressing them? I personally think you should explore them to better understand yourself and your tastes. It's kinda the same principle with porn; my gf sometimes used to watch porn (until she realised through me how fucked it is) and I have nothing to say to that whatsoever! She should be sexually free and open about it, just like with her fantasies. Even though it hurts, she's allowed to, just as I am. But of course, if you can't take it simply don't talk about it. Anything else is only unhealthy for the relationship, it gets this jealous distrust. If you're open about it and can take itit's only gonna pave the way for dialogue and better sex essentially. Of course, porn IS bad, especially for a porn addict, that is a reason to not accept it, I suppose.
As for why men watch porn and WANT to - like you said, it depends on who you ask. I feel like OFTEN it's because of a sex-starved marriage, bad sex OR really just a misfortune as the rest of us, who thought porn to be innocuous and unaddictive etc. Another reason that would compel a man to do it more than a woman is DEFINITELY our sexualising bullshit society. Naked, photoshopped women everywhere, objectification everywhere; it's practically conditioning men for porn as soon as they step out their door...

think personally, that it's society's conditioning. When your SO is looking at other naked women and getting off to them how can't we take that as "your (sic!) not enough"?

Again, do you really never fantasise about someone else? You just have to remember that in the case of fantasies and porn - it's just fantasies/porn. (IN MOST CASES) Fantasies are not real and not a reflection of someone's true desires at ALL. It's a thought and nothing else. As for porn, it definitely depends on what he watches. Either it's extreme due to prolonged porn use because of him needing novelty that will get his dopamine started, in which case is definitely not real or a true reflection of taste nor desire. OR it is something he finds hot, which AGAIN, is normal, just as it is with fantasies!!! Might hurt somewhat, sure, but doesn't mean he loves you less, or finds you not enough (unless he feels like you're not having enough sex or something alike, I guess). It's not weird to get turned on by the shit you see on porn, you're even evolutionarily supposed to as a human being, which is exactly the reason people do abuse and watch it. 

Also, not just men watch porn which I find an underlying implication of in the way and what you write. In fact, it's far from just men that watch porn.

 

[Objectified1]

Do I fantasize about other people? Not at all. Do I suppress them? Uhm, no. Believe it or not, I enjoyed my sex life and didn't have any desires for anything else. Did I sometimes run past episodes of mine and my husbands love making through my mind? Of course! I guess you could call that fantasizing. As far as fantasizing about other people. I never had the desire to while married. Why would I? What would cause me to want to have sex with someone else? Physical attraction? I can't say it does. I can see an attractive man and think, he's attractive. And that's it. My mind doesn't go to anything sexual. Emotional attachment? Yes, that could do it I suppose but I haven't gotten emotionally attached to anyone other then my husband since being married 12 years ago. Strange these days, I know, but true. I fully realize men and women watch porn, however, this discussion is about a man addicted to porn, so my comment is about men mainly yes. Me and you obviously have different beliefs.
I believe in a living God and I also believe in what the bible says. I don't believe in evolution and I don't believe sex is meant to be shared outside of a marriage, mental or otherwise. Porn and fantasizing about others creates a seperation between you and your spouse even though it's suttle at first. There are lots of articles/statistics to back it up & I could Go on but I won't . It's way to much to write and way to Complicated.

 

[Nommiiss]

Thanks all so much for the advice... I know it's strange, however my approach is to start watching the ted talks while she is in the room. She is really not engaging with me at all... Her girlfriend came over today and I didn't know if she saw her yesterday and didn't know how to make conversation.

I have said I am sorry so many times, but need to show her!

I have started to leave my phone in plain view when I go to the loo... I leave my computer unlocked infant of her (so if she wants to check she can check my history )

I have also been very open about it to her... And trying to work out a way that I can gain her confidence... It just seems to be getting worse and worse everyday.

For example, two days ago, she let me hug her when in bed. Last night she asked me to stop.

 

[Nommiiss]

I am so sad!

 

[jjhan12]

Just my thoughts
Is the issue really that you caught on watching porn? Or is that just an excuse to your wife to ged mad on you?
Don't worry about your wife.
Start to improve yourself in other areas as well, not just in not fapping anymore.
And if not already
- Hit the gym, build muscle (gives you confidence)
- eat well
- sleep well
- connect with your friends
- keep away from computers, video games and netflix

Those things worked on me and my marriage also.

 

[davenl]

I feel for you man. At least, you don't have to take the step to involve her in this. She already is involved and it seems like you don't really have any other options than beat the addiction.

If porn is really the only/most important issue in your marriage you should take advantage of the situation. If the porn is what is in your way to be able to communicate about anything, well.. than communicate about the porn. It might feel humiliating, but if you involve her in your problem you have a good starting point to get the conversation going. She's probably just as worried about it as you are, so make sure you give her the tools to get educated. Why not give her the chance to read yourbrainonporn. She will notice that she is not the only one and that you will need her to beat the addiction.

Just a thought. Take care mate!

 

[Introspect]

SimpleSimon,

It's sad to hear about your situation, and I hope your wife decides to stay and open up to you after a while. I think you need your wife on your side to be able to stop watching porn. Trying to do so alone and in secret will not work in the long run.

From reading your journal it seems like she feels betrayed that you kept this a secret from her for so long. She seems very angry about it, which I think is easy to understand. I went through a similar thing with my partner. Eventually she wanted to know everything, and this openness has really benefited our relationship. It is important that you continue to gently reach out to her.

It seems that you have gotten off to a good start. Please continue to educate yourself about porn addiction, and work on finding ways to change your own behavior. I wish you the very best in your recovery efforts.

 

[Objectified1]

My hubby and I went through times when I wanted him to not touch me or cuddle or etc. Don't worry, healing Isn't linear. It will seem to get worse, then a little better, then worse then a bit better etc till the good times are once again better then the bad times. I agree to keep gently reaching out to her. She is really hurting right now more then you can understand. Finding out my husband was addicted to porn had been the most hurtful thing I have gone through. As a spouse you feel so devalued, worthless, ugly, unattractive. Th list goes on. Logically we realize that our spouse can't change our appearance or value by how they treat us.... But it's a process to even realize what she's feeling and for her to realize she is allowing you to set her value by your actions. At first as a spouse of a PA, I just hurt incredibly. I wanted him to hold me and hug me and love me, but I felt
It was all fake. I felt like he didn't love me at all and he was just a good pretender all these years. I still hurt now, a year later, but it's getting better. We can talk Through it when I'm hurting now and I let him hold me. I don't feel hateful Towards him very often like I used to. With that being said, he has done a lot to repair the damage. It can never fully be repaired but your relationship can be better then it ever was. Ours truly is. You should get Jason Martinkus book worthy of her trust. It's really good. It's about how to gain her trust back. Him and his wife are 12 years into recovery after 18 Affairs and a sex addiction he had. I would dare say he knows what he's taking about.
Chin up. One day at a time things will get better, provided you stay away from the porn.

 

[Gracie]

SimpleSimon,
You have gotten a lot of advice here.  If you want your wife, you have to consider her feelings.  You can try to rationalize your use and what you have done in the past to try to protect yourself, but please do not do that.  My husband once told me he could not get hard while watching anymore.  To show me it wasn't me causing ED.  Whoa, like I give a shit that porn did not make him hard. Nor did I feel bad that the women in what ever he was watching failed at their job.  We are different when it comes to husbands and porn.

For a lot of us it is infidelity.  The addict has reduced our sex life greatly if not all the way.  So we are not physically or mentally touching him, nor him us.  He is interacting sexually with many women using his brain.  He is thinking about how they look, how they would feel, how they would touch him and how he would touch them.  Some of the men think we should not feel betrayed.  Yet, many complain their wives don't have sex.  Well maybe it is because the men are "having sex" with many others and not paying attention to their wives.

It is important to remember, You have changed your marriage's sex life without talking to your wife.  You have changed the intimacy.  This is why we are hurt.  We are not so much angry as we are hurt.  We want you to hear our feelings.  Talk to her!  Not talking to her is what allowed this addiction to grow.  It is a cycle.  You start watching.  You can't talk to her about it.  You keep watching.  You start thinking of her differently.  You keep watching.  You start viewing life differently.  People then treat you differently.  And all the while you have this secret thing that must be kept secret no matter what.  How exhausting.  Unload the weight off your back. 

You can beat this!  My husband is now 5 years clean.  But the first year was the worst.  Hang in there.  I have posted other places the routine that saved us.  And the blog  markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com  literally was a life saver!

 

[Nommiiss]

Just my thoughts
Is the issue really that you caught on watching porn? Or is that just an excuse to your wife to ged mad on you?
Don't worry about your wife.
Start to improve yourself in other areas as well, not just in not fapping anymore.
And if not already
- Hit the gym, build muscle (gives you confidence)
- eat well
- sleep well
- connect with your friends
- keep away from computers, video games and netflix

Those things worked on me and my marriage also.

Thanks for this advice... It is something that I am starting to do and it's funny you mentioned Video games as she does not understand me playing...

But yes I have planned a work out plan to start tomorrow at my Gym so I think I am thinking on the right lines.

 

[Viffer]

Hi SimpleSimon

Sorry to hear your story, thought i'd chime in with my two cents.

I'm a recovering porn addict, was in a relationship with an amazing woman for six years but I sabotaged it and ran away due to my porn addiction - this was two years ago. I've no excuses, I was lonely and depressed, thought having a girlfriend would fix me, but it didn't.

Honesty is key, once this problem is out in the open it loses strength, it's a good step you've shared your problem with your wife, if she's willing, get her on board with your recovery, and get more supportive people on board as well, be it therapists or close understanding friends. I've opened up to a few mates and it definitely helps. If she's the right one for you she will accept you, warts and all and help you with your recovery.

I've been through this before so I understand the feeling of guilt you must be having.

Understand it is your problem and you are responsible for your actions, but you are not alone, and understand that everyone is addicted to something, be it sex drugs, rock n roll or origami, some addictions can be productive some really aren't.

I found out my porn addiction was masking massive insecurities and anxiety, since quitting for eight days i've become very emotional! If you cry a lot its good right now but you'll hopefully stabilize after a while. A certain song would come on the radio and i'd be a blubbering mess! the slightest thing can trigger it.

Are you using porn to escape reality? are you really happy in the relationship? sex with my ex was rubbish to non-existant, we chatted and got along, but the sex was the elephant in the room, a big horrible sexy elephant... 

As the previous guy mentioned, exercise is a great way to release dopamine and make you feel good, so crack on!

I believe the key is to be honest, if you slip up you NEED to tell her, if you feel like slipping up ring her straight away, or a friend, or get in touch, or go for a damn walk, do something to derail the thought pattern you get into. Maybe get an accountability partner, join a support group - this is something i'm thinking of doing, you can find strength through others.

Keeping busy helps, i'm watching a lot of self help vids on Youtube.

Keeping a journal helps a lot, record your thoughts daily, i've got a cool app on my phone for doing so.

Enjoy each day of sobriety, pat yourself on the back each morning. You'll find yourself feeling horny, enjoy that too, means you're a red-blooded alpha male and want to procreate with your lovely wife, but learn when to distract yourself from this feeling before it gets out of hand.

Avoid being lonely, tired, and lacking sleep, being hungover at home alone is VERY dangerous for slipping up, i'm always horny when i'm hungover?  so maybe cut down or stop drinking altogether. A good night's sleep can cure 90% of your problems.

Try to practice mindfulness, become more conscious of yourself and others, if you feel a negative thought, don't try to stop it, but observe it, acknowledge it and try to understand why you thought of it in the first place, this helps for identifying triggering thoughts, and you can maybe find out what triggers to avoid in the future (certain facebook posts and certain youtube vids etc.)

If you absolutely must act out and watch porn, make a point of looking at yourself in the mirror during or after, see yourself for what you are - not pretty is it? it doesn't sound nice but it helped me - I didn't stop immediately, but I found the more I observed myself and practiced mindfulness, the more I recognized PMO as a futile exercise - The last time I PMO'd it was such a rubbish orgasm and I felt so dirty its helped me stay away and stay strong.

Couple therapy, and counselling may help? I don't know where in the world you are, but in the UK there's an organization called Relate which provide counselling and therapy, and also sex therapy for couples. It's not free but apparently very good.

Learn to forgive and love yourself.

Umm what else...

Love many, trust few but always paddle your own canoe 

Hope I helped. Good luck brother!

 

[TiramiSu]

Hi there,

I dont know you but why dont you look at things from a different point of view: For instance, why dont you start volunteeering work? That is what I started now. I will volunteer once per month and just help other people. That helps to get the focus shifted. because due to porn we act like victims and pussies. We need to be men and do something active in life!