Powerless and Surrendered: My Journey to Freedom

[prozilla]

Hi Friends,

I came here from another recovery forum because it's pretty dead. I'm 21 years old, active duty USAF, and from Alaska. I don't really feel the need to go over my entire history here, but I have been addicted to LUST, porn, and masturbation for the past 5 years. I have spent 5 grueling years trying to fight this addiction with no success. I have tried everything this forum has suggested in the past, and it doesn't work for me long term. I'm a very strong Christian, and I don't believe I can let go of my addiction by myself because I have done EVERYTHING. I'm tired of fighting this, so I'm going to focus on letting it go.

Part of my routine includes:
- Talking with my accountability partners over the phone everyday
- Reading the bible and other recovery materials every day
- Meditating most days
- Exercise at least 3 times per week
- Posting on recovery forums every day
- No girlfriend (Too much going on in my life right now)
- No Youtube, Facebook, TV, videogames, movies, bars, nightclubs, alcohol, caffeine, fast food, junk food in general, or going places just to stare at women.
- Community Service once per week
- No sexual contact with myself or anyone else

Some of these restrictions are temporary (sexual contact, girlfriend, technology restrictions), but for right now, I know I absolutely can't handle it because I have already tried so much.

Finally, I'm not here to shit on anyone else's journals or views, so please, if you don't like what I post, just move on to another journal, respect my journal.

Day 3 today

 

[prozilla]

The hurt from rejection, abandonment, and humiliation.
The loneliness from having no friends or family I could talk to for years.
The sadness of everything I have missed ? relationships, friendships, and time with my family.
The anger of wanting to be valued, loved, or have a purpose in life.
The fear of people, life, or more pain.
The shame of my addiction and childhood abuse.
The guilt of the harm I have caused others.
The gladness I have never known.

 

[prozilla]

Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results

I REPEAT.

Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

THE CYCLE OF THE ADDICTION
STEP 1: High motivation after PMO.
STEP 2: Willpower and motivation begins to fade over time. Ego is boosted.
STEP 3: Willpower continues to decrease and addicts Ego continues to inflate creating a "false high"
STEP 4: Addict feels so good that they don't think they are addicted anymore or they run out of willpower from trying to fight the addiction for so long
STEP 5: Addict PMOs, becomes incredibly depressed (perhaps suicidal), loses motivation, loses energy, ect.
STEP 6: Addict continues to relapse and the consequences continue to increase (damaged relationships, physical problems, and emotional turmoil)
STEP 8: Addict gains enough motivation or "willpower" to start over, and they promise themselves it will be the "last time".

*Note: The cycle can be a short as a couple of hours or as long as a year, but the key is that IT IS NEVER THE LAST TIME!!!!

Why am I on this forum? Because I need people to remind me that fighting this addiction DOES NOT WORK. I am not immune to the cycle above. I can easily stop working my program of recovery whenever I feel like it, and then I am very susceptible to go right back into relapse at any moment. I am grateful to God for the chance to live without my addiction today and NOT HAVING TO FIGHT IT. It's simply beautiful.

 

[prozilla]

If people here are wondering why I am on reboot nation, even though I am working a different type of program. It's because I need to remind myself of the constant misery of this addiction. I haven't found anything more sobering than to read people's journals that sound like this "Day 1, Day 0, Day 1, Day 0, Day 0, ... ect." It is a constant reminder for me that anytime I decide to stop working my program is when I am doomed to fail. I am struggling with watching Youtube videos occasionally today, but besides that, I don't have anything significant to report.

Thank everyone here for helping me stay sober today and for reminding me that I will never beat this.

 

[prozilla]

Day 10

"Stop making yourself promises you can't keep."

It's always the last time. This time the glorious knight will rise up and fight his oppressor, the addiction. He will triumph and be the king of all the land. All the women will grant him sexual favors. In reality, the P addict is simply deluding himself until his next relapse. IF WILLPOWER WAS ENOUGH, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS ADDICTION. I tried to fight this addiction for five long years. FIVE YEARS. I am done fighting. Porn, sex, M, O is not the problem. I am the problem, and I can NOT fight myself. There is SO MUCH MORE to this addiction than just PMO. PMO is the external problem, but there are MANY MORE internal problems. Until I acknowledge my internal problems, I will be stuck in this cycle FOREVER. Nothing can save me then - not marriage, not a girlfriend, not friends, not doctors, not psychologists. Life is too short. Lust is a result of internal imbalance. When I am balanced, when I am at peace, I don't feel the need to look at anything. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS IN.

 

[prozilla]

I have had some temptations recently. I have been trying to deal with my insurance company because I hit and killed a moose the other day. My car is probably going to get totaled. Sometimes I struggle because girls lust after me or just stare at me in general, and it's hard not to fantasize them or worse, take advantage of them. Just coming on here gives me relief because I can read other people's journals and know that I'm not the only person struggling right now.

Day 14 today

 

[prozilla]

"Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results."

I tried everything short of cutting my dick off with a exacto knife to fight this addiction. For 6 grueling years, I took cold showers, listened to music, exercised, got a job, went to school, hung out with people, hit myself in the head with a book, had my balls swell to twice their size, lost my virginity, had more sexual contact, watched only "soft core porn", masturbated only, had sex only, ect the list goes on forever.

I'm exhausted guys. Watching porn and feeling depressed all the time sucks, BUT fighting this addiction SO MUCH that MY NUTS SWELL TO TWICE THEIR SIZE sucks even more. That happened because I was still fantasizing about women so I had a constant boner, and it was so excruciatingly painful!

Then, I thought to myself, "Maybe I should try something different. Maybe I am the problem, not this addiction. Maybe I can't fight myself since I am always going to be stuck with myself. Instead of fighting myself, maybe I should accept that I have this problem and find a constructive way to dealing with it."

Finally, I found that when I completely give up control to God to manage not only this addiction BUT my entire life, wonderful things happened. Now I can breathe because I'm not trying to manage something that is unmanageable. I wouldn't call myself an ADDICT if I didn't believe I was addicted to porn and sex. Being an addict means that I can't control when I have the urge to look at porn, but I can always pray to God to help relieve all of the internal pressure I have inside of me.

Day 15 today, thanks to God

 

[muhammadtaha2016]

On lighter note my friend .
Cutting dick won't solve your problem.
You have to cut your testicles.
Any ways that was a joke.

I am glad God is working for you.
Are you going to SAA meetings?
You will love SAA meetings.

 

[gentleman86]

It's always the last time. This time the glorious knight will rise up and fight his oppressor, the addiction. He will triumph and be the king of all the land. All the women will grant him sexual favors. In reality, the P addict is simply deluding himself until his next relapse.

;D You exactly write down, what many addicts in their first try / first stage of PMO are thinking.
"No porn in life = my life will be incredible and amazing."
Wrong.
Without porn you only have remedied one problem from your life: Porn.

You have to go further and begin to work and improve your life in overall.
You have to identify the reason(s) you choosing porn (or any other drug) to numb yourself and to escape your real life.
Without porn you simply are the same person again before you got addicted.

Extra: In my opinion your metaphor about the knight isn't applicable to porn.
We can't fight against porn (and win in the end), because it would mean that if you win, porn wouldn't be a problem in our life anymore.
The several threads in this forum speaks another language.

IF WILLPOWER WAS ENOUGH, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS ADDICTION.I am the problem, and I can NOT fight myself. There is SO MUCH MORE to this addiction than just PMO. PMO is the external problem, but there are MANY MORE internal problems. Until I acknowledge my internal problems, I will be stuck in this cycle FOREVER. Nothing can save me then - not marriage, not a girlfriend, not friends, not doctors, not psychologists. Life is too short. Lust is a result of internal imbalance. When I am balanced, when I am at peace, I don't feel the need to look at anything. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS IN.

Ohh... forget my criticsm above  You nailed it.
Acknowledge your internal problems, but first walk a few kilometres (means weeks) away from porn. Then your mind is more clear and one is able to look on life in a more "holistic" view.
Work? Love? Family? Friendship? Health?

Prozilla, good thoughts by the way! You get it and I am sure that you will "lift yourself up by your own's bootstraps". 

I wish you all the best!

 

[prozilla]

Thanks for the positive replies guys.

@Muhammad Yes I am part of SAA and go to meetings regularly, but I don't really broadcast it much.

@gentleman Thanks, I believe in "progress not perfection". I am making improvements slowly, and it's more important to me to learn from my mistakes rather than avoiding them.

When I have a slip, I don't really see the point in beating myself up because it honestly doesn't make a difference. I can't shame myself into not looking at porn. Over time I have this internal pressure that builds up and makes me want to look at porn. I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, but I realize that if I keep doing the same thing, I will get the same results. It also didn't help that I had a sexual dream the night before last, which really just had me on the edge all day yesterday. Meditation seems like the only thing that has ever helped me deal with the internal pressures I have, and I haven't done much of that lately. Maybe it's time to start that up again?

 

[prozilla]

We only discover how imperfect we are ,when we try to be perfect.

We only discover how broken we are, when we try to fix everything.

We only discover how isolated we have become, when we try to reconnect.

We only discover how much we have, when we lose everything.

 

[prozilla]

Day 1 today.

Researching meditation and the teaching of the Buddha today, and I find that I can relate to a lot of the things mentioned. One thing that really sticks out to me is how craving is part of human nature. It is our nature to avoid pain and grasp pleasure. It is also one of the ways that we end up with addiction. I can't fight my human nature because the craving will always be there, not just for porn and sex, for food, videogames, TV, movies, music, hot baths, fast cars, accomplishments, chewing gum, hard liquor, money, power, sense of importance, and anything else that makes me feel good. When I am fighting myself, it is like trying to drive a car with the parking brake still on. "fighting" is denial for me. I'm not saying look at porn all you want. There has to be another way to simply change the relationship I have with porn and sex, so it doesn't have to control my life anymore.

 

[prozilla]

Another day 1 today, just picking myself back up and moving forward. I'm still a slave to cravings and my thoughts. I have been focusing lately on meditating and removing or limiting all distractions from my life including TV, Facebook, youtube, movies, and radio. My mind is like a wild mustang, running wherever it feels like. I don't like to suffer. I would rather just be free. I met with some Buddhist monks yesterday, and it was quite interesting to observer their different lifestyles. I don't think I'm ready to give everything up right now, but if I can get a 10% stress reduction, I would feel much better.

It seems just about everyone is addicted to something. It is human nature to try to avoid pain and grasp at pleasure. Addiction is an extreme form of craving that has taken over our lives. It's sad because I'd like to think there's more to life than this addiction.

God bless all

 

[gentleman86]

You aren't a slave. A slave want to be free, but haven't the possibility to do so.
You have the option to be free, but have to work on it every f***ing day.
That doesn't mean that guys / girls who are relapsing aren't work hard for freedom.
It only means that they aren't make enough mistakes yet, to improve their workout.

I read an amazin quote yesterday which perfectly relates to your thoughts about "human nature":

Addiction is born, when a person can't - or is afraid - to be fully present in their own life.

Furthermore we have to go through the phase of suffering and withdrawls to finally get free.
I accept that fact and therefore, I live without the feeling of uncertainty, and therefore a little bit more free than before. 

I wish you all the best!

Step by step, day by day.

 

[prozilla]

Thank you Gentleman, every day I am working towards freedom through mindfulness and meditation.

Last night was rough to say the least. I stopped taking my sleeping medication a couple of days ago because I believe it is addictive, and I can generally sleep without it IF I meditate before I sleep. Last night was long because I have withdrawals from my addiction and the medication, including sweating heavily, tightness in my stomach, and insomnia.

Today is a new day for me to find peace within myself. I remembered my favorite quote from Rocky that reminds me never to give up:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

I desire so much to be free today from all forms of addiction and suffering.

I don't want to stop looking at porn and masturbating just to start... having compulsive sex with random women, drinking alcohol, playing videogames, eating a ton of junk food, watching movies/TV, exercising to the point of injuring myself, reckless activities, gambling, over working, relationships, ect.

All this time I have been looking for something outside of me to fulfill me, but the solution was always inside of me.

Peace and love to all.

 

[prozilla]

Thank God for giving me another chance today. We never really know how much time we have left. We'd like to think that because we're young we have a lot of time left, but we could die at any moment. Every second/minute/hour/day is another opportunity for me to use the little time I have left towards something meaningful.

If I am physically sober for 1 week/1 month/1 year/10 years, but I am still mentally suffering, then what have I gained really? This addiction lives in our heads. Our bodies are just reacting to the addiction, but our minds are the root of the problem. My problem is that I can't just let a thought go, especially not a sexual one. It's automatic. From the moment I think it, I'm grabbing onto it without even questioning it. Then, I begin to suffer until I act out. It is a miserable cycle to be stuck in. Meditation is slowly chipping away at that, but it will take some time to get to a point where I can just let those thoughts go.

Peace and love to all

 

[prozilla]

I'm grateful today that last night I had temptation thoughts, but by bringing my awareness to them, they did not overcome me, thank God. It has been hard to accept some areas of my life like the Air Force, but when I meditate on it, the problems seem a lot smaller. I have been disconnected for so long. I'm grateful that today I can work towards peace within myself and my life.

Peace and love to all

 

[prozilla]

Still struggling today. Had a girl text me last night who I haven't talked to in months. It really set my lust off because I was fantasizing about her for the rest of the day. It just shows how sick I actually am. I just want to surrender this addiction, so I don't have to suffer from it anymore. Surrender is the hardest thing for me.

 

[prozilla]

Thankful for another fresh start today. Right now I have a chance to reflect on the things that continue to hinder me.
-My reluctance to pray to God EVERY time I struggle with lust
- How attached I have become to my mind, where every time a lust thought enters my head, I simply hold onto it
- The realization that I am not my mind and do not have to be controlled by my mind

Here's to a new day and another chance to attain my freedom in the present moment.

 

[s007fish]

hey man, I read some of your journey. Im also 21. and Im addicted for the past 5 years. but i reached great successes int the past 3 months.
In my idea the point is u should find the reason why u watched porn and have pmo. the idea is beyond your needs in your age. let me talk about myself:
I found that porn was the most interesting thing for me for the past couple of years. nothing was more interesting than porn(not even sports, movie, friends, games, trips, and ...) so I started to search about something more interesting than porn. because porn leads you to masterbation and masterbation leads you to orgasm  which is the highest level of pleasure. watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njU4pROL9rM
you should replace pmo with something that you love, something that can leads you to high level of pleasure. having a girl friend is one option. but I myself couldnt have because of situation of my life. so i started to search and I am almost successful.
so, on conclusion :
go and search for something that you love and do that thing full time in your life.
remember that if you wanna get out of pmo, you shouldn't do the things that you are doing now. you should make some changes to see different result.


Good Luck