My road to freedom

[Freezingcold]

Hello and welcome to my journal.
My name is Marcus, I'm 23 years old and live in Sweden. I registered yesterday here on reboot nation, but I have already been a member on other recovery-forum sites for about a year. I have Known that I'm addicted to porn for about one and a half years.

In the beginning I didn't try too serious to quit watching porn. I did not really believe that I was that addicted, I guess I was in some sort of denial for a long time. When registered on one forum a year ago I gave nofap some more attention. I looked up all info on yourbrainonporn, and was shocked by all the effects porn had on my brain. I began to understand that me not being able to get an erection when I was with my first girlfriend, and most of the girls that has followed along since then maybe had to do with me watching porn.

I got hooked on porn at 15, so that makes it 8 years now. I have tried quitting for a long time now and am pretty tired at it, but I have never given up, I always stand up and looked forward. Some of the things that I have picked up during my journey so far:

*taking cold showers. Truly loves them and has been taking them for 5 minutes each morning for more then a month now.

*meditation. I have not done this regularly, but done it on and off in the mornings. makes me real calm and clears my mind.

*installed k9 webprotection. This has helped me alot, but started to depend on it too much lately and when a urge comes I'm going around it by downloading porn from tpb.. (actually throwed away my pasword for the program). I also sat a pasword on my webbrowser on the phone.

* I have looked at all videos by Mark on nofapacademy on youtube, it helped me understand my addiction further.

The problems for me comes when I just sit around and don't do something with my time. Bored and with a wondering mind the relapse ain't long away. I am giving up to easily when a urge arrives. And the main problem is that I fix all my problems with porn. When some discomfort appears I solve it by fapping.

My goal is to end my addiction to porn. To first make 90 days of nofap so my brain recovers. I want to find someone to love, but I find it hard to do so when I'm not even noticing girls. After a week in recovery that totally changes and there is girls everywhere. I do not want to feel as insecure around other people, which I do right now. I think this is a problem caused by just watching porn instead of being social. I want to be motivated to do things with my life, but when I watch porn I don't care at all really "if I have my porn I don't care what happens to me". Also I am hoping quitting porn will help me getting an erection when it's time. I also want to face all my problems in life instead of running from them like a little kid.

I have noticed that I'm doing best in my recovery when I am really busy. I usually make it well during the weeks but when Saturday arrives and I don't have as much to do I relapse.

Today I had a real busy day at work and haven't yet thought about porn at all. I know tomorrow and Sunday is the hardest days for me so I really have to give it my best now.

- Freezingcold.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Marcus

I looked up all info on yourbrainonporn, and was shocked by all the effects porn had on my brain. I began to understand that me not being able to get an erection when I was with my first girlfriend, and most of the girls that has followed along since then maybe had to do with me watching porn.

So glad to see you found the information on YBOP helpful. I suggest you continue to read information on there. Something I did during my reboot was print off a few articles and if I ever felt anxious or stressed I would go to a park and read them and take notes.

I see you have been in the reboot community for a year and a half but it never hurts to go over material again as repetition is key for learning.

I have tried quitting for a long time now and am pretty tired at it, but I have never given up, I always stand up and looked forward.

Awesome, keep that attitude up and you will overcome this. Continue to learn from your mistakes and make changes where needed.

*taking cold showers. Truly loves them and has been taking them for 5 minutes each morning for more then a month now.

Cold showers are amazing... temporary painful.. but amazing haha. Really good at relieving any pain you have in your balls during a reboot as well.

The problems for me comes when I just sit around and don't do something with my time

That is the most common trigger. Set a certain time of the day for using the internet and try and keep it productive. Either on Reboot Nation journaling or helping others or educating yourself on YBOP or another site. Fill the void giving up porn leaves with as many things as possible. Learn a new language, an instrument, take classes, pick up a sport or join a gym.. get out and live, laugh, and love.

Hope you stayed bust this weekend. Welcome to the Nation.

Much love

 

[Freezingcold]

To get a response from someone helps a lot. Thanks for all the support Gabe, I really appreciate it.

Today is day 8 in my recovery. I have worked all week and been really busy. I have had some morning wood, but they have all been easily deflected as I jump directly in to a cold shower each morning.

Some nights my mind has been wandering off to fantasies about some girls I find attractive at work. These urges are annoying, it's like I have a huge porn library in my head and the only way to avoid getting to these fantasies is to get out of bed and do something active.

But still, I have managed pretty well. The real challenge starts today with the weekend and all my spare time. I am now planing on how I will use my time.

I am thankful for any comments or questions.
-Freezingcold.

 

[fnatk]

Hey my fellow Swede! I feel you about the fantasies, at night when I'm going to bed that's when my mind wanders off and its something I even used to plan for! I'd think about my ex girlfriends mostly or missed opportunities... not healthy! That feeling that you have a huge porn library in your head is probably true too: the favorite clips, actresses or kinks/fetishes is something I used to replay in my mind when I got bored and then go "Yep, time to fap to porn". I've decided that instead of doing that crap or watching tv series/movies/sport/youtube clips before going to bed I spend a minimum of 15 minutes reading a book instead. I've shut my computer off every night so far this week, something that usually never happened!

And as for spare time, I'm currently unemployed essentially, only working extra at my old job so I have tons of free time... its a big danger but I'm trying to change that by getting back to working out and doing cardio. Are there perhaps any old hobbies you used to do and gave up? Or a sport you used to play? Getting back into the swing of things can be a great way to spend that spare time