I Feel Like I Need To Tell People, But Can't...

[DickPalmer]

Hi,

I've struggled with porn addiction for maybe 40 years, I'm 47, and it has cost me my marriage. This is such a complex story, I go over and over the circumstances of my marriage ending in my mind but the one thing I haven't told anyone, barring one wonderfully understanding girl, is that I was addicted to porn.

I displayed quite sexualised behaviour in my early years, and located my Dad's porn stash, which included an audio tape he'd bought by mail order. When my family were out I'd use these to jerk off to, though in the early days it was more common for me to rub against things. I 'graduated' to porn mags, stealing them from a newsagents. Every now & again (by now in my adolescence) I would try to stop, and would take my stash and dump it. Inevitably I'd buy more, or even recover the stash. I'd not long moved in with my girlfriend in 1999 (aged 31) when we got our first internet connection, and from that point on I'd find reason after reason to spend time on the computer. When she was out of sight or asleep I'd jerk off, saving my favourite pics (nothing like kids, no way!) onto discs.

In recent years this developed, and in late 2014 I took membership of a photo-sharing site. I set up a profile but couldn't get anyone to 'friend' me as I had no pics, so I started posting. I would get comments, chat with people, it became a nightly occurrence. This developed further and I started using web cams, jerking off for others to watch, or doing 'tribute' pics where I'd jerk off and post pics that I'd cum on.

I would stay up very late doing so. Around the time this happened I experienced some difficulties with my wife. We'd been married for a while but it wasn't a strong union, I cared for her but when she asked if I loved her I would struggle to answer in the affirmative. Our home was a mess, I didn't spend enough time tidying as I was busy online; my wife is both rather lazy and, likely affected by our lack of intimacy and poor communication, couldn't find the wherewithal to do so either. I still used to cook the meals each evening & do the dishes, I held down a decent job, but we had no intimacy. She is not unattractive, but I guess my perceptions of what a healthy sexual relationship is was defined by the porn. I rarely asked for anything 'weird'; she struggled with intimacy anyway, and wouldn't touch my penis, things like that. To a guy who watches porn that is an absolute killer!

I think I had a midlife crisis moment and started talking to a girl online whom I knew, and I confessed my use of the pic sharing site to her when she similarly confessed to having a sex blog. No pics of her, but things that she liked. We already shared similar interests, this seemed like something incredible! The effects of this were that I eventually had a kind of meltdown and left my wife for her. It was just an "emotional affair" for some while but I did go to bed with her and I found that I couldn't do anything but jerk off for her. I began to realise that what I'd done for so long had been pivotal in my marriage split but was going to continue to be a problem. I've had other issues around the affair, unsure of whether it was the right thing, etc, but I can tell that the porn has played a big part in this. I have told my family things about our marriage but can't tell them about the porn; they have rubbished my wife for her laziness but I was as bad if not worse, so some of it is fair but a lot of it isn't; the house was such a mess because I would rather jerk off than fix a shelf, or paint a wall, or tidy up. I feel like they can't know the truth about my marriage without knowing the context but telling them is risky. They're my family, I think they'll support me, but I can't be sure. The girl I had the affair with knows; she is mad about me, wants to help, I have tried to stop but lapsed and have been able to tell her. She was shocked, she felt that in order to be attractive to me that she'd almost have to post pictures, as that's what turns me on, but I have realised I need to change, need to stop.

Just knowing you guys are here is a help, but I'm not near anywhere there's a support group. I've signed up for a Skype sex addiction group, and I'm living with my parents whilst our divorce goes through. My wife knows I had a problem, but not the posting of my own pics, and I'm sure if she knew that she'd have divorced me anyway. I can't confess the extent of it, has anyone any experience of sharing this with their families and how did it go? I'm a mess over the divorce; we weren't well matched but I cared for her and feel the porn killed any chance of us getting closer through sex because I was so ashamed, embarrassed, guilty.

I've set myself a target of a 'jerk-free June', to try and last a month. Then we'll take it from there. Would welcome any encouragement, advice, support you can give...

 

[DickPalmer]

Back again.

Doing OK, have added blocking software to my laptop and got through my usual 'danger' time of 6-7am.

However, I'm struggling with my need to talk about this, and to tell people, specifically to tell them how this contributed to my marriage collapsing. I think our marriage was something of a lie anyway; I entered into marriage not really fully considering the commitment, I can't say that I loved my wife, but any hope that we might be drawn closer together through marriage were handicapped, if not ruined, by my addiction. My wife knew I watched porn, we had instances where she got angry, others where she offered to watch it with me, but I couldn't bring myself to do so; I think my internal shame wouldn't allow it, I was worried my sexual 'tastes' through watching porn would become apparent and would give me away. It's ridiculous.

We did have a sex life but it waned and in the years in which we were married I think we probably had sex an average of once per year. My wife felt if was because I didn't find her attractive, which had some truth to it, but I think was more because of shame, and then because the effects of using porn so much were that I had difficulties with getting off by any other means that JO, and also delayed ejaculation.

The 'other woman' I had an affair with is a lot more sexually 'in touch' with herself than my wife, or so I felt, and it felt like I'd met someone who 'matched' me in that sense. I told her about the extent of my porn use, the picture sharing, etc, and I think she felt the same way, she'd found a 'match', but over time, when she learnt of the extent, of the physical effects it had on me, she was a little taken aback. She feels this may be less of a problem than I think it is, but she also was upset to think that in order to be attractive to me she would possibly have to look like the women in the porn I'd been using.

I am seeing a psychotherapist soon, hoping I can get to the root of this issue. I think I was somewhat self-medicating as things around me fell apart, I just didn't get a hold of dealing with things in normal life that everyone just deals with, and I neglected my wife. I know trying to deal with this alongside a divorce is going to be extra-tough; some of the issue was just availability, I was in our home alone and each time I was I'd JO, but if I added up all the years of my life I've wasted in this way it would be quite a number, and it has arguably stopped me fulfilling my potential in terms of relationships, work, etc.

 

[Gracie]

Do you have a close friend you can confide in?  If not, are you wanting to talk specifically about what you did and what she did in your marriage?  You could talk about it through, "Have you seen this video that was on Chelsea on Netflix?"  what do you think about that.  Sometimes that opens a door for you.  The other thing would be to have a notebook and write in a journal.  Not on the computer.  One where it is your handwriting that you can read and go back over as you need or want to.  It is a great way to work things through in your head.  Your therapist may be able to give you some insight into why you need to tell.  Is it to unload?  Is it to help others not fall in the same trap?  Is it to work through what has happened by talking it out? 

Telling for either person in this, whether the PA or the SO is difficult. 

 

[E45]

I am seeing a psychotherapist soon, hoping I can get to the root of this issue.

Err....I hope I don't sound flippant when I say YOU WERE HUMAN! The root of the issue is that the male human brain operates in such a way that makes falling into a porn addiction easier than falling into alcoholism or illegal drug abuse. The symptoms of a porn addiction are broadly the same as alcoholism: the person feels like shit, the family breaks up.

As with all addictions, talking to someone will help. You have to truly admit to yourself that you have a problem and that the only option is to stop. The other person can offer moral support, and a psychotherapist may be able to offer knowledge about how to manage the process of breaking the habits that maintain your addiction.

As a human, you are totally powerful enough to break the addiction. Is it difficult, horrible even, but absolutely possible.

You talk a lot about your laziness too. I struggle in a similar way. Some of the problem may be that you are a naturally lazy person (because of genes, or upbringing, or experiences in your life), but the porn addiction would have amplified that laziness a thousand times. I think you should quit the porn first, work through that process until you are healthy, and then re-asses your feelings about laziness. You may find you have more motivation to be clean and tidy, and to get stuff done, once porn is gone.

You can't quit both things at once. Get rid of the porn, and when your brain is operating normally again, then work on the laziness.

 

[DickPalmer]

Thanks, and no, I didn't interpret that as flippancy.

I'm close to a week fap-free after relapsing having gotten to around 2 weeks on a previous attempt. I do have some lazy tendencies, although strangely my wife was both somewhat lazy and had a habit of buying things to make herself feel better, two tendencies which I think I kind of took on or which were amplified, as I was less like that before we met. It was internet access that was behind it for me, particularly when I found sites that offered more interaction. I had found discussing intimacy with my wife difficult; she I think found it difficult anyway, being quite insecure, so it all added up to a situation where I found myself using it more and more, which denied her the affection she was looking for. It also didn't help that we kind of married more because we'd been together for a long while but I had some misgivings, and she also had a temper which didn't help and I think affected my ability to talk to her about uncomfortable things.

Living with my folks is helping, denying me the opportunities, and having blocked the sites I feel that finding ways to counter the urges is the next step. Hopefully they should happen naturally and without any visual stimulus!

Thanks for the support, if I can start to get on top of the addiction then addressing the laziness can be part of fighting the urges, doing things like washing my car, cycling, anything away from the laptop!

I have tried to tell my wife that I'm working on countering this but she didn't react positively. The 'other woman', on the other hand, has been very supportive.

 

[malando]

I have tried to tell my wife that I'm working on countering this but she didn't react positively. The 'other woman', on the other hand, has been very supportive.

This is a woman you had an affair with - are you sure it's wise to still be associating with her? I mean, if your goal is to sort things out with your wife, how would she feel about this if she knew? Even if you stopped sleeping with her, it's an emotional affair if you are still discussing your life and getting support from her. I think you need to ask yourself honestly, are you really wanting or trying to save your marriage?

By the way, comparing your wife to this woman is not a fair comparison. It's very easy for a mistress to offer sympathy, understanding, support - they have no real investment in the relationship. Contrast that to your wife who might be going through hell because of your P addiction. I just don't think it's fair to make comparisons and always conclude that the mistress is better for you because she does all this stuff for you. P makes us selfish, have a think about what you have done to her too. We all must confront this as P-addicts. We have all not been the best we can be.

Best wishes with the therapy and working some of these issues out.
M.

 

[DickPalmer]

My wife knows, she has initiated divorce proceedings anyway as I had a midlife crisis meltdown and left her, the realisation of how this contributed to the failure of my marriage is what made me realise action was needed. Not sleeping with the other woman, currently on a friendship basis. Wife says she wasn't happy in our marriage regardless, she wasn't aware of the extent of my issues.

 

[CrowMagnum]

You're taking some firm steps in the right direction here.  Blocking websites makes it more difficult to make an impulsive decision you would certainly regret after the fact.  Getting out of the house gets your mind on other things and puts you out there in the real world, interacting with people in person.  Exercise, like cycling, helps your overall well being.  Seeing a therapist can certainly help sift through the baggage involved in everything that is going on for you.  I'm glad you're here and making a difference in your life.  Keep fighting, and keep your head up, mate!