I think it's time I come clean

[Einzbern]

I know its very hard to open up things like this, but screw it here goes:

As far as memories go, I think I started at age 12, watching Hentai. But because my brain wanted more, it started looking for more intense like porn. I was 13 or 14 when I started and at first, I never really considered what it was doing to me. I was either shocked on what I saw or maybe because I liked the feeling of O after M. But then I realized my habit was spiraling out of control and while I started with straight porn, next thing I know I was watching gay porn probably at age 19. I am now 23 and that's where I decided I needed to stop and change things.

Because I watched gay porn, it made me really confused as to who I like. Initially, I liked girls and yeah I had fantasies of being married to a wife and have kids with her but things got really screwed when gay porn entered my life. I don't know if I'm just objectifying men because my brain wants to watch gay porn or if I really like boys? Argh! This is so frustrating! I've never dated anyone before due to many reasons: I'm fat, shy, and had been a victim of bullying. So imagine the dislike I have for talking to people - let alone trust them because of my bullied past.

I wish porn never entered my life at all so there won't be any confusions about this! I still feel strongly the want to have a wife and kids but how do I know if that's what I really want when gay porn is messing with my head?

Things might have been easy if I was asexual since birth till the day I die...  :'(

 

[Introspect]

Hi there Einzbern,

It is alright. I'm struggling with a porn watching habit myself. Please read and watch the videos on Gary Wilson's site Your brain on porn. It is a gold mine of good information.

With regards to your morphing tastes in porn, have you read up on HOCD?. If not you should. Lots of people have experienced this, and gotten back to their natural sexual preferences. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but from what you write it seems that gay is not your natural sexuality. Anyhow, please be good to yourself and get educated on the matter.

 

[Einzbern]

Hey, thanks for the reply. Actually, Your Brain On Porn is what brought me here in Reboot Nation. I've been watching Gabe Deem's videos and it's very helpful. When you gave me the link to HOCD, wow, I never thought HOCD even exist. I mean, I know OCD does but not the former. Thanks for that! When I read the article about OCD Takes Many Forms, I started to feel hopeful.

Oh, and I didn't mean to make a misunderstanding. I have nothing against LGBT (despite living in a country where they're tolerated but not accepted). It's just that porn - straight or gay - is really messing up my mind life. Now, I'm off to read more articles! 

 

[Introspect]

Hi, no misunderstanding here. I just did not want you to think I was making false assumptions, or that I was being biased in some way. Just being careful.

Porn has messed us all up in some way or another and we are all struggling to overcome this thing. I wish you the best for your recovery

 

[E45]

I have said this before in other threads:

1) Don't panic about what messed-up shit you watched. That is not important at present.

2) First you must stop all porn. Think of no other goal. The genres you liked are irrelevant.

3) When you have managed to get at least 90 days, porn free, you will feel differently. It may be suddenly obvious to you, inside your mind, that you didn't truly LIKE any of that weird shit.

4) Only at this point will your brain be functioning properly - normally - and you can calmly think about your past problems. Hopefully you wont be quite so worried.

Seriously, you have to heal yourself first, before you can begin to think rationally about it.

 

[Coastly]

I can relate. When my addiction was totally out of hand, my tastes became increasingly extreme until I found myself drawn to gay porn as well. Now that I've been staying away from porn, I can feel my tastes morph back to what they should be and I no longer have any desire to look at gay porn. As others have said, you won't know where your brain naturally wants to be until you cut out porn entirely. I also agree that you shouldn't stress about what your sexual orientation is. You are what you are, but you won't know until you experience a period of time that is totally porn free.