My life long struggle, time for a new day!

[Newlifeforme]

Hi everyone,

I will be completely honest about my life and how P (porn) addiction has hurt me in different aspects of my life. I am honestly scared to post this since I am putting so much information out there and fear judgement (but I understand constructive feedback is important for all of us and I am open to that) but I will give it a shot. Some things that I mention may seem off topic but I wanted to completely share what I feel my life has been like. I have only just recently found out about this site and I must say that I am glad that I found it! I have known about YBOP since 2011 though and it has helped. Here's my story:

Background:

I am currently 27 years old. A counselor I once spoke with told me, getting over PMO addiction will be a challenge for me since I have been addicted for so long. I was only 5 years old when I started doing M with my neighbor who was a girl next door who was my best friend, she was about 8 or 9 at the time it. I had since been doing M on and off throughout the years and it escalated throughout my teen years. I saw my first  real life porn image when I was about 8. I began watching late night erotic music videos when I was 17 years old. At 18, I started using the computer at my aunt's house who I lived with at the time and thus began my high speed access to P. My addiction has grown and now find myself watching transgender and cross-dresser P, something that I naturally wouldn't have wanted to do. I have honestly even experimented with TS/ feminine CD's (this is the first time I have ever told anyone this except for girlfriends) who I have met from online a few times in the past! I am seriously addicted as you can see, the addiction has continually escalated but it's time to change because I need to live my life fully outside of the addiction.

Relationships:

I regret missing out on the possible awesome relationships I could of had in school and college. I never had a first real girlfriend until I was 22 years old. I did not have real sex with her because she wanted to wait till marriage which I didn't mind (we still did other things but I did everything except truly penetrate). This relationship was toxic, I felt much pain.

My second relationship was also a mistake because I literally moved in this girl in with me the first day I met her. I lost my virginity to her that day I met her at 25 years old, she had major baggage and I liked her but yet I feel that I felt sorry for her because all the baggage she had more than anything. She was nice, treated me kindly, constantly told me how much she loved me, wrote me love letters, and did things for me but she was severely addicted to cough syrup (something I did not know about immediately) so she had her own demons to deal with (I have never tried it and PMO is my only current addiction). 

My 3rd, most recent relationship was a BIG mistake. I have become a loner since my late teens since I have changed a lot so some of my friends from high school I no longer associate with but that's a different story. I feel that my loneliness  made me secretly desperate for any girl who has showed a seemingly genuine "love" interest in me.

I feel that I would of had a clearer mind to take the red flags that I saw and that my friends told me about her more seriously and would of had the courage to break it off like I thought about doing the whole entire time.

I feel that my addiction alters my personality (I used to be more outgoing and more confident before my addiction started spiraling out of control) to the point that I bite my tongue about things instead of saying everything that I feel unless I am really mad or emotional. It's like, the addiction makes me worry about what other people think about me.

I find that when I am not doing P that I am more confident and say what's on my mind more and more as the days without P go by.

Every girlfriend I have ever had has been from online. I plan to make a change and talk to women more in person, not looking to jump into a relationship right away, I had no problem approaching women as a teenager but I think P has made me less confident about my looks since gaining a little weight and not being as fit as I was (just started going back to the gym today).

Sex life:

I have to say that one of the biggest regrets that I have about this addiction is all of the women I missed out on either because of fear (caused from social anxiety) or because I had trouble getting it up (P induced ED has got to be the one of the negative side effects I hate with a passion regarding this addiction!  ) As mentioned earlier, I lost my virginity at the age of 25 while I was in grad school. I have only had real intercourse with 2 women my entire life. I have done four play with others but I don't count those as real sex since I did not have intercourse with them. Also, there were at least 3 other times that I was scared of STD's since didn't have a condom (understandably) but I would have probably thought to get condoms or reschedule it if I wasn't so distracted with PMO. Not to mention all the time that a girl made a pass at me and I blew it due to social anxiety.

Present day:

I am ready for a long-term change. I feel that in the past social anxiety has made me worry about what others think about me; I believe that this has kept me from being strong enough to say what's on my mind to people, I have slowly over the years been better able to say the things on my mind but sometimes I am still passive-aggressive. 

I have gained about 45 pounds over the years and I plan to get back to being as fit as I once was. I have always been into exercising and my metabolism is in good condition so I don't think it will be too hard of a goal to accomplish this year. However, I usually would want to get in shape for women but I genuinely want to do it for me this time. I have depression and feel loneliness like many of us on here and even though life will always have it's ups and downs, I look forward to living a better life outside P.

I start working in a job that involves much social interaction in about 2 weeks from now and I want to be prepared to be better than I have ever been by living consistently without P. Last year, I started a new habit of only doing PMO on my off days from work but now I want to make my off days count as well.

I have had days where I would do PMO a few times a day and sometimes 5-6 times a day. However, I have went a few periods such as: 30 days, 15 days, 27 days and other amounts straight without PMO since the addiction escalated. I have read books like the "Habit" and "Detach from Porn". I have used the content blocker k-nine as well. I have used my laptop in public areas and will continue to try to find new ways to do so (can't afford to travel much until my job starts in a couple weeks); in my current living situation I do not trust my roommates with my things, they are good people but I can't trust them with my computer... I believe that due to my past experience, I understand how important it can be to stay away from the laptop when I am triggered and to stay off late at night.

Habits that help me the most:

Write journals

exercise

singing

communicating with others

meditating

Today is day 2 for me again; I am aiming for 2 weeks and then slowly extending my goal this time, I know I can do it. I know it will be a rough road ahead, this is by far the most difficult habits I have ever had to overcome but I just went 27 days of no PMO until the 1st of this month then unfortunately allowed myself to binge for nearly the entire month now (I've been unemployed for the past month and a half and my relapse was right after my last break-up, good news is my new job starts next month) but it's time to get back up, dust myself off, kiss my wounds, and live the life that I was born to LIVE!!! 

P.S. For about 2 weeks now, I have started a new habit of learning Spanish and I believe that it activates my brain in a way that helps.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Newlifeforme

I saw my first  real life porn image when I was about 8. I began watching late night erotic music videos when I was 17 years old. At 18, I started using the computer at my aunt's house who I lived with at the time and thus began my high speed access to P.

I too saw my first porn image when I was 8... but I started on music vids and softcore porn at 10. Just curious what you masturbated to during that 9 year gap up until age 17? It's good news that you did not have high speed porn going through adolescence.

I feel that my addiction alters my personality (I used to be more outgoing and more confident before my addiction started spiraling out of control) to the point that I bite my tongue about things instead of saying everything that I feel unless I am really mad or emotional. It's like, the addiction makes me worry about what other people think about me.

Absolutely it does. I can relate to this perfectly. Consuming porn regularly not only re-wires the brain, can numb the reward circuit, but does who knows what else to guys psychologically. It is a good thing you are aware of this now.

I plan to make a change and talk to women more in person

Very good idea. In fact, hanging out with people in person in general is a good idea. Get away from pixels and get around people.

Habits that help me the most:

Write journals
exercise
singing
communicating with others
meditating...

Today is day 2 for me again; I am aiming for 2 weeks and then slowly extending my goal this time, I know I can do it. I know it will be a rough road ahead,

Sounds like you have a very good attitude and mindset about this process. Great list of habits and a positive attitude will take you a long way. I suggest adding to your list "studying material on YourBrainOnPorn.com" or "reading books" as these helped me tremendously during my reboot.

Welcome to the Nation man. You are not alone. There is hope, and I hope the best for you

 

[Newlifeforme]

Thank you for your reply and encouragement Gabe. In regards to your question, this will sound very strange but I actually was addicted to masturbation with objects such as stuffed animals and etc during that time period. When I was about 17 I began "normal" masturbation and I stopped using objects completely when I was about 20.

Also, I agree, I think that YBOP is an essential tool and in the past when I read the success stories on there everyday it helped me with rebooting but when I relapsed and went on a binge I mistakenly stopped. I haven't been on much lately, only briefly stopping by but now I will re-commit to the habit of reading YBOP and exploring all of the new content on there each day.

I think reading books definitely helps, I am currently reading an e-book about learning Spanish each day when I wake up in the morning but I also want to add an inspirational book or career book to read also.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Newlifeforme

In regards to your question, this will sound very strange but I actually was addicted to masturbation with objects such as stuffed animals and etc during that time period.

Dude.. not strange at all haha... I humped my fair share of.. well.. just about anything I could. when I was like 10 I put shampoo in a puppet and would bounce it on me and pretend a girl was riding me lol. Then, I got my first set of "socker boppers" and pretty much humped that everyday for 2 years straight.

I'm pretty sure when little kids are exposed to porn... nothing is weird and nothing with a hole around the house is safe haha. This is a safe place to share my man.

I am currently reading an e-book about learning Spanish each day when I wake up in the morning but I also want to add an inspirational book or career book to read also.

Sounds awesome, keep at it. If you want to read a really good and inspirational/insightful book I suggest reading The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. It came out in 2007 and actually describes porn-induced ED. - http://yourbrainonporn.com/doidge-on-pornography-and-neuroplasticity

Wish you all the best man

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today is day 6 and I'm glad to have made it this far and still have far to go. Having an accountability partner on here has helped tremendously over the past week. Yesterday was kind of tough because I had insomnia and experienced moodiness but today was much better. I worked out very hard at the gym and it felt awesome. I look forward to getting back into shape, being obsessed with working out really seems to help with the triggers. I have been writing my own journals on my Word doc along with communicating with my accountability partner but I will also keep updating this post, (I just wasn't sure how to update it but now I see I can just reply to update my journal).

I see positive changes such as being able to look people in the eye better and my voice sounds louder and stronger when I speak to people. I also feel that I am less scared to communicate with people so I believe my social anxiety is slowing fading each day of my reboot. I still find it hard to maintain solid eye contact with women who I find very attractive, I would still feel like sneakily looking at them from a distance but I am a breaking out of that habit because I don't want to constantly lust for women and then not saying a word to them. I am also stopping the fantasizing like YBOP said to do, I want to have real-life memories and not artificial. I feel that women are more open to communicating with me now. I now walk around the gym calmer and not anxiously walking around with my head down like in the past. I like these changes and I can't wait till I can look back and be amazed at all of the changes and all of the 100's of days that will have gone by without this addiction affecting my life. I know that my dreams will come true and that I will have a beautiful girlfriend who really matches me and have a meaningful long term relationship in which I am truly happy with.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today, I had to pull myself away from the computer after visiting dating sites after completing some research. I only visited these dating sites but I will continue to stay away because those pictures they post might as well be considered soft-core porn. I don't consider it a relapse because I did not go searching on official porn sites or MO. I want to just pick my head up and keep moving with this journey because in the past I would have considered this a relapse and beat myself up about it and then binge for weeks on end but not this time. This time I will continue since I still did not masturbate, orgasm, or seek out porn sites. I have been experiencing great changes today. I saw myself stand up for myself life I haven't in a while.

I was talking to some girl on an app and was insulted by her and I let her know that I will not be disrespected and told her good-bye because I wasn't standing for that crap. Usually I may have just let some insanely beautiful girl say something I don't like just to try and stay open to the possibility for sex but no, I would rather have respect for myself  than just let some girl who thinks she's God's gift to men disrespect me in any kind of way. Afterwards she still tried to talk to me but I have ignored her. Wow, it's usually the other way around but not this time. I must say that this reboot is truly showing me what it means to be a man.

I will continue to stay away from my electronics as much as I can for this reboot. I know that I can do this.

 

[fnatk]

Hey Newlifeforme! Glad to hear that you managed to control yourself when you realized that the dating site was a bad idea (I used to be registered on one and click on perhaps 25-50 girls profiles each day). To me online dating was almost a part of my PMO habits, I'd look at beautiful girls and then think "I have no chance" or "What's the point I can't get it up anyway" and turn straight to P afterwards to comfort myself, but actually only making things worse.

I also escalated to tgirl/crossdressing p, even gay p too and had real encounters with both Ladyboys and men, yet I'm still 99% sure I'm straight (I never thought about kissing or cuddling a guy). So you're really not alone on that front and its good that you're able to be honest with yourself and share something that can feel very shameful (I almost lied about it in my own first journal entry).

But you seem to have the right tools to succeed in beating this addiction, certainly you have the right attitude and that's awesome! If you ever feel like you need to talk, just PM me, I've been where you've been

 

[Newlifeforme]

Thanks fnatk! Today I MO'd and ended up doing PMO. I am using the excel spreadsheet that an administrator recommended, I truly think it's helping me reduce the chaser effect. I want to keep moving forward. I feel guilt but I do not want to wallow in shame for the next few weeks and end up with a major binge. Yesterday my car broke down and I was very stressed from having to push it home but I am grateful for the help that people gave me and grateful that I was less than a mile from home. Also, I am thankful for the auto warranty that will help me pay for the repairs that I need to make. Yesterday I felt the major urge to PMO but I resisted. I'm glad I did but today when I looked in my computer's recycle bin I saw some old downloads and there it started, I forgot all about my recycle bin but it's a lesson learned. I still have the chaser effect but I think admitting that I had a setback on this forum helps a lot. It feels bad knowing that I was only 2 days from my initial goal but that's ok, I know that if I made it this far recently then I can pick up and do better. It's difficult since I  am home most of the day and could not go to the gym as usual but I should have worked out at home. I will get back on track and keep doing what I'm doing. It's only 3 more days until my job starts and then at least I will have another opportunity to stay on track and enjoy life outside of my house. I have noticed how women have been looking and treating me differently and I think that's another positive sign of how great life is without PMO. As I write this I feel the chaser effect but yet I know by writing this I am better able to manage and get back on track. I WILL  life my life to the fullest and be a man about my problems and not run to PMO for a cheap high.There is more to life and I know it. I am resetting my counter and have already updated my spreadsheet.

 

[Newlifeforme]

I am excited to start living my life the way it is truly meant to be lived. I noticed that by overcoming triggers I became stronger. I truly feel that the mind becomes so much stronger in other areas of life in this fashion.

Today I got my car back and luckily my warranty covered a majority of the costs. The chaser effect is still there but I will keep going to the gym and doing activities like meditating and singing to changing the stressful feelings that are a part of life. I am excited about finally getting back to work and getting out of the house more and getting to know women while working and being out in the world. This is a tough journey but I am very encouraged seeing how far people make it with their reboot. I know that I can do it too! I am excited about continually growing as a person and living my life.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Had a good first orientation day at work. I was a group with 2 girls and it felt good getting back to socializing and talking to women in person again. I definitely look forward to working hard for a promotion. I feel my confidence coming back and I must say that it always feels good being impressed by how you act when you do things the right way. I still am recovering from the social anxiety since resetting my counter but it's slowly getting easier as I allow myself to talk more openly in groups through participation and not being so quiet all the time. I can't wait for the days without PMO to breeze by and continually see a change in my life while building relationships along the way.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today at work went well, made good eye contact with women on more than one occasion. My employer doesn't mind us employees dating but with such a big employer I can't wait to continue getting to know more girls. I want to keep talking to real life women and not fantasize and instead us the energy from wanting to fantisize for socializing. I haven't had much time to go to the gym since I had insomnia I had to just to come and go to sleep after work. I look forward to seeing day 100 and beyond. I want to go all the way.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Day 6 is here, looking forward to day 500 someday! Lol, I really want to keep going throughout all of the hard times. I want to come out of my shell completely like I once was, I notice that I am experiencing better communication with women. They communicate with me more non-verbally and verbally with how I am outside of PMO. My life is changing for the best! I know I can do this! I was thinking about dating sites (I'm addicted to those too) again but they will only hold me back from truly reaching my destiny. There is no way I will let some dating site that is a waste of time to rob me of the energy that I can use to actually have real life communication with beautiful (on the inside and out) women in person. I'm so sick of it, this is the time, the time is now to break through barriers! I'm going full speed ahead and will become a strongest version of myself that I have never seen before! We can all do this together! 

 

[Newlifeforme]

Damn it these urges are hard but I think it's just withdrawal. I almost gave in last night but thank goodness I gave my body what it needed which was sleep. I understand that restlessness was the trigger and thankfully got a lot of sleep yesterday after working a whole day without sleep from the night before. I was so triggered driving home that I started lusting for women I saw walking in the street again and started fantasizing but up until that point I have done well in regards to refraining from fantasizing so much, I will keep moving forward. It's so tempting to want to go online and look at craigslist ads or something but I know that will only cause me to want to do pmo. I have to re-write my vision and keep planning my days ahead to keep me on track. I'm going to take the first step and plan tomorrow, I'm going to plan at least 4 days out of the week with my app even though my mind doesn't like planning so repetitively.

 

[Newlifeforme]

I learned a few things since my last relapse. I definitely have to plan each day that goes by for at least the first month to get my mind on track and not just talk about doing it, which is why I already planned tomorrow before this post. Also, I need to stay off of craigslist, that's what made me slip last time. I posted an ad for a "nsa" encounter, my mind was telling me that I wouldn't relapse because I would just be having regular sex but that part of craigslist is garbage and I only ended up texting some girl who was a waste of my time anyway. Somehow, I must keep my mind focused on real women and only look at them if I plan to speak to them so that I do not lust. There are so many pretty girls at the gym and at work that it's hard not to lust but if I want to reboot I have to stop thinking so lustfully.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today was a long day at work. I have honestly felt like I have been learning slower since relapsing and it has really made me angry throughout the day. I feel like I am just generally more distracted and less focused while doing PMO. I have had just random thoughts about moving to a new city and starting a new life because I've been so stressed about everything. It's because I hate my new job but  I just realized how I can transfer into a department that I would like to work in so I'm excited about working that. I've been applying to out of state or out of city jobs on my alma mater's website but I know that can be a long process. I've done it before and it worked but I know it can take a while sometimes.

Got to make it through the rain...

 

[Berens]

You are doing very well my friend. Stay focused on your goals and on working out at the gym and you will not ever remember that there was some addiction in your life. Withdrawal? Of course but it is temporal, think about it like its just a rain and a good weather will come soon. Good luck

 

[Newlifeforme]

Thanks Berens, you are right. I feel that this social anxiety is letting up but I think I really need to start coming back on here and replying to posts more. I haven't been doing that lately and I think that's effected my social anxiety recovery. I am opening up more though by greeting people when I was at my job running errands today.

I still have negative thoughts about how I think people are looking at me and it makes me want to not be in a cheery mood as much but I don't want to let that affect me because I know that I can't read people's minds to know exactly what they're thinking about me. I really need to focus on my priorities then everything should fall into place. I also sometimes have paranoia about talking to women at work because I feel that they look at me strange but I know that's not true because there have been women at work who are quite friendly towards me so I just never know what type of people they are. I just want to feel free to talk to anyone male or female and not live in worry or fear regarding socializing.

I find myself feeling more aggressive for the past 3 days, I feel myself sometimes very angry about things or sometimes sad. I don't act out in negative ways towards anyone so that's good. I just think it may be some withdrawal along with depression.  I should get over it soon enough though.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Man, it's been a tough week but I need to continue to grow by dealing with life's challenges as a man. Until recently I have been working weekends but this week I didn't. I went other weekends without relapsing lately but I think it's because I've been dwelling too much on fantasies and artificial attraction without even realizing it. This is my fault, I willingly went on dating websites but I will continue to want real life interactions and stimulation and not this fake stuff. I want to find a local sex addiction group as well, I think it will be a big step speaking publicly about it like we do on this forum. Every time I come back here, I feel a conviction to change. I usually write my journal on my own app but I start using this as my only journal for now.

 

[noises1990]

Hey man! Yeah, a sex addiction group can do wonders... Be careful who you share this personal information with though... I've encountered a series of friends that usually made fun of me when trying to open up about this issue..

Stay strong, confident and focused!

 

[Newlifeforme]

Thanks Noises1990! You're doing a great job! You're right, I do want to be careful who I tell sometimes because so many people have a misunderstanding when it comes to these addictions. They don't understand that it can be a number of reasons why someone can be addicted. I feel that I can always see how my social interactions are so much different after a relapse. Today  I feel that I could have had a totally different day had it not been for relapsing but I understand that even as I type this, days are going by and the more days that are going by, the farther I will get in rebooting.